Billie. If you hadn’t been there.” I didn’t want to imagine, but my thoughts drifted to that outcome anyway.
“I don’t think you would have been out walking in a deserted stretch by yourself at night. I’m so sorry, love. I swear I wouldn’t have taken you there if I thought this would happen. I promise I will always protect you.”
My immediate fear drifted to general paranoia about such a situation. “You can’t always be there.”
“No. But our minds are linked, and if you call me I will come.” My sobs slowed as that realization sunk in.
“I hate being helpless.” I hated more that she saw that part of me.
“You’re not helpless. Gods, you are stronger than you think. You just panicked, and with good reason. That can change, Sadie, if you want it to.” She understood my emotional state, and she wanted to free me of it.
I didn’t think I could be freed. “Can it? I feel broken. I didn’t used to freeze up like that when I was scared.”
“You’re not broken, you just haven’t healed. You can feel powerful again.”
“I don’t know how.” I’d tried counseling, but it hadn’t been enough.
“Tonight let’s just get you home where you feel safe.” Releasing me enough to walk home, she still held me the whole way. My tears still streamed down my face, but the worst of the fear had washed away. Mostly I felt tired and emotionally spent.
After a few moments of silence, she spoke. “Sadie, thank you.”
Floored, I looked at her in amazement. “For what? You saved me.”
“For doing what I asked. I don’t want obedience from you; I don’t want this to come out that way. But in a situation like that it’s important to let me call the shots.”
“I know. I felt that. Why couldn’t we run?”
“Fights aren’t just about fists, there’s psychology in them, too.”
Following her train of thought, I instantly understood. “And running would have showed fear. Since you could handle the situation, you wanted to show them they weren’t as tough as they thought.”
“Yes. If in doubt, run. But when you’ve got things under control maintain the upper hand. When you run you’re more likely to be chased.”
“Things like this happen to you a lot?” I asked wryly.
Her seriousness sobered me even more. “More often than they should. I don’t invite it, but it’s part of my life and so I deal with it.” She wanted to say more, but something held her back. Her promise. Her need to keep that part of her life private was beginning to become comfortable between us. I wanted to know everything, but I understood privacy.
“Does it bother you?” She wanted to know, understanding that she didn’t need to explain further what she meant.
“That you can drop two men in under a minute? No. I don’t sense violence in you.” Her thoughts resisted, and if she’d had less control over her body she’d have tensed. Her disbelief brought my wits back. “No, it’s true. You may see it in yourself, but I don’t.” I could still feel her resistance, so I stopped her, looking directly into her green eyes. “Look. What you did back there was violent, yes. But it didn’t come from within you, it came from the situation. They attacked, you protected us. You protected me.”
“Semantics.” God, she was stubborn.
I sighed, and my voice grew harsh. “No, it’s not. I know people and how they think. I could read people before I could read my first children’s book. Consider me an expert on human behavior. How you respond to a situation is different from creating a situation. You wouldn’t have attacked someone helpless for the fun of it. That’s violent. You didn’t pick a fight just to fight – you tried to avoid the fight even after they threatened us. They threatened me and you still gave them a chance to walk away. Responding to violence with force doesn’t mean you are violent.” I let her work that over in her mind as we continued down the road in silence.
By the time
“I don’t think you would have been out walking in a deserted stretch by yourself at night. I’m so sorry, love. I swear I wouldn’t have taken you there if I thought this would happen. I promise I will always protect you.”
My immediate fear drifted to general paranoia about such a situation. “You can’t always be there.”
“No. But our minds are linked, and if you call me I will come.” My sobs slowed as that realization sunk in.
“I hate being helpless.” I hated more that she saw that part of me.
“You’re not helpless. Gods, you are stronger than you think. You just panicked, and with good reason. That can change, Sadie, if you want it to.” She understood my emotional state, and she wanted to free me of it.
I didn’t think I could be freed. “Can it? I feel broken. I didn’t used to freeze up like that when I was scared.”
“You’re not broken, you just haven’t healed. You can feel powerful again.”
“I don’t know how.” I’d tried counseling, but it hadn’t been enough.
“Tonight let’s just get you home where you feel safe.” Releasing me enough to walk home, she still held me the whole way. My tears still streamed down my face, but the worst of the fear had washed away. Mostly I felt tired and emotionally spent.
After a few moments of silence, she spoke. “Sadie, thank you.”
Floored, I looked at her in amazement. “For what? You saved me.”
“For doing what I asked. I don’t want obedience from you; I don’t want this to come out that way. But in a situation like that it’s important to let me call the shots.”
“I know. I felt that. Why couldn’t we run?”
“Fights aren’t just about fists, there’s psychology in them, too.”
Following her train of thought, I instantly understood. “And running would have showed fear. Since you could handle the situation, you wanted to show them they weren’t as tough as they thought.”
“Yes. If in doubt, run. But when you’ve got things under control maintain the upper hand. When you run you’re more likely to be chased.”
“Things like this happen to you a lot?” I asked wryly.
Her seriousness sobered me even more. “More often than they should. I don’t invite it, but it’s part of my life and so I deal with it.” She wanted to say more, but something held her back. Her promise. Her need to keep that part of her life private was beginning to become comfortable between us. I wanted to know everything, but I understood privacy.
“Does it bother you?” She wanted to know, understanding that she didn’t need to explain further what she meant.
“That you can drop two men in under a minute? No. I don’t sense violence in you.” Her thoughts resisted, and if she’d had less control over her body she’d have tensed. Her disbelief brought my wits back. “No, it’s true. You may see it in yourself, but I don’t.” I could still feel her resistance, so I stopped her, looking directly into her green eyes. “Look. What you did back there was violent, yes. But it didn’t come from within you, it came from the situation. They attacked, you protected us. You protected me.”
“Semantics.” God, she was stubborn.
I sighed, and my voice grew harsh. “No, it’s not. I know people and how they think. I could read people before I could read my first children’s book. Consider me an expert on human behavior. How you respond to a situation is different from creating a situation. You wouldn’t have attacked someone helpless for the fun of it. That’s violent. You didn’t pick a fight just to fight – you tried to avoid the fight even after they threatened us. They threatened me and you still gave them a chance to walk away. Responding to violence with force doesn’t mean you are violent.” I let her work that over in her mind as we continued down the road in silence.
By the time
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