never imagining that the boy would be taken from me and that I would have to grieve for eternity.
Then rage surged up in me. Rage at any god that would take my brother from me. Rage at the devil for using my grief as a trap to make me his. Rage at time, at history, at memory, at all humanity with its cruelty in the face of endless loss. And rage at this happy mortal boy and girl playing in the water, in my pool, with no fear, no loss, no sense that someday they would be without their beloved and that the someday would last for an eternity.
I don’t remember what happened next, but I know that William Eliot was telling the truth when he revealed the terrible thing that I had done.
Suddenly, like a nightmare remembered hours later, one so brutal as to be only worse in the bright of day, it all came back to me.
i follow you home and wait outside your window.
i watch, seething and bucking with my rage while you and jared make love on your little-girl bed.
i wait until he leaves, and then i go inside and bend over your small, beckoning body.
“Charlotte,” you say. Your voice is thick with alcohol and dreaming. “What are you doing here?”
I am so ashamed of what I am, in contrast to your innocence.
“I know what you are,” you say.
I feel as if I’ve been struck in the chest with something sharp. Suddenly I wonder why I came here. What led me to your door as if under some spell. I pull away, full of remorse.
You go on. “I want to be what you are.”
I have never made a human into what I am. I have never felt the desire, nor did I believe I would have the restraint not to go all the way and take a life in the process.
i am choked with a thirst i have never felt.
i lose all restraint, all sense of humanity.
i beome the beast, and i pierce the beauty, pierce your shallow wrists with your own pocket knife, and then i feed until you are dry.
or almost dry.
because that is when william, who has been watching me for days, who has followed me through the night, who has masterminded it all, swoops in and changes you while i stagger home alone and without a memory of what i have done.
you will be buried so no one will suspect, and then you will rise out of the crypt and walk with him.
and in those moments when william bargained for your soul, i had no idea that both our greatest wishes were being fulfilled, or at what great cost.
Meet the Monster
“I s it true, Char?” Jared was staring at Emily. “Tell me! Is it true? You did this?”
At first I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t look at him. I turned to William.
“Why did you come back again?” I asked. “You said you wanted to release me. Why did you come to my house the other night?”
“I came to see if the bargain really worked.”
“Emily!” Jared rushed at her and tried to grab her dress, but she moved back imperceptibly, and he fell to his knees on the carpet like the man inRodin’s sculpture Eternal Idol .
“Who did this to you? Tell me! Is it true?”
I had to answer him. I had to look at him. My face was burning. “Yes, Jared. It was me. I am a monster. That is what monsters do,” I said. There were so many tears pouring from my eyes that I couldn’t see him. I tried to touch him, but he pushed my hand away.
“You never said that. You never said you killed anyone.”
“I didn’t remember until now.” Now it was I who wanted to fall to my knees.
“You lied to me.”
“No. Everything I said was the truth. Except one thing. I said I couldn’t feel love, only desire. That was true with William and with Emily. But not with you. Something has changed.”
“Yes, it has.” William smiled. “She’s changed, Jared. I exchanged her for Emily. She is a mortal just like you now. Do you want to stay like that, growing old and wrinkled and diseased, riddled with tumors,then rotting in your grave? Or do you want to come with me and your true love, Emily? I never minded male companionship. We’d have quite a time, the three
Then rage surged up in me. Rage at any god that would take my brother from me. Rage at the devil for using my grief as a trap to make me his. Rage at time, at history, at memory, at all humanity with its cruelty in the face of endless loss. And rage at this happy mortal boy and girl playing in the water, in my pool, with no fear, no loss, no sense that someday they would be without their beloved and that the someday would last for an eternity.
I don’t remember what happened next, but I know that William Eliot was telling the truth when he revealed the terrible thing that I had done.
Suddenly, like a nightmare remembered hours later, one so brutal as to be only worse in the bright of day, it all came back to me.
i follow you home and wait outside your window.
i watch, seething and bucking with my rage while you and jared make love on your little-girl bed.
i wait until he leaves, and then i go inside and bend over your small, beckoning body.
“Charlotte,” you say. Your voice is thick with alcohol and dreaming. “What are you doing here?”
I am so ashamed of what I am, in contrast to your innocence.
“I know what you are,” you say.
I feel as if I’ve been struck in the chest with something sharp. Suddenly I wonder why I came here. What led me to your door as if under some spell. I pull away, full of remorse.
You go on. “I want to be what you are.”
I have never made a human into what I am. I have never felt the desire, nor did I believe I would have the restraint not to go all the way and take a life in the process.
i am choked with a thirst i have never felt.
i lose all restraint, all sense of humanity.
i beome the beast, and i pierce the beauty, pierce your shallow wrists with your own pocket knife, and then i feed until you are dry.
or almost dry.
because that is when william, who has been watching me for days, who has followed me through the night, who has masterminded it all, swoops in and changes you while i stagger home alone and without a memory of what i have done.
you will be buried so no one will suspect, and then you will rise out of the crypt and walk with him.
and in those moments when william bargained for your soul, i had no idea that both our greatest wishes were being fulfilled, or at what great cost.
Meet the Monster
“I s it true, Char?” Jared was staring at Emily. “Tell me! Is it true? You did this?”
At first I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t look at him. I turned to William.
“Why did you come back again?” I asked. “You said you wanted to release me. Why did you come to my house the other night?”
“I came to see if the bargain really worked.”
“Emily!” Jared rushed at her and tried to grab her dress, but she moved back imperceptibly, and he fell to his knees on the carpet like the man inRodin’s sculpture Eternal Idol .
“Who did this to you? Tell me! Is it true?”
I had to answer him. I had to look at him. My face was burning. “Yes, Jared. It was me. I am a monster. That is what monsters do,” I said. There were so many tears pouring from my eyes that I couldn’t see him. I tried to touch him, but he pushed my hand away.
“You never said that. You never said you killed anyone.”
“I didn’t remember until now.” Now it was I who wanted to fall to my knees.
“You lied to me.”
“No. Everything I said was the truth. Except one thing. I said I couldn’t feel love, only desire. That was true with William and with Emily. But not with you. Something has changed.”
“Yes, it has.” William smiled. “She’s changed, Jared. I exchanged her for Emily. She is a mortal just like you now. Do you want to stay like that, growing old and wrinkled and diseased, riddled with tumors,then rotting in your grave? Or do you want to come with me and your true love, Emily? I never minded male companionship. We’d have quite a time, the three
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