fought back his own surprise and grief to reach out a hand to try to help his classmate up from the ground, all past arguments forgotten in the light of apparent tragedy, but Bryan wouldn’t be consoled. With a snarl of rage, he opened his eyes and flung himself at Josh with pure animal fury. Even though the attack had taken him by surprise, Josh easily stepped aside. Being overcome with grief and drunkenness, Bryan flew past Josh and landed face first on the cold cement parking lot.
“It’s your fault,” Bryan accused. “She killed herself! She killed herself because of you!”
He tried to tackle Josh again, but he was so off balance, he didn’t even make it to where Josh stood before he simply fell to the ground with an audible thump. That small effort seemed to be all Bryan was able to muster. He rolled himself into a ball, rocked back and forth, and seemed to forget that Josh was even there at all as he lost himself in his grief.
“Lily. Oh, Lily,” Bryan chanted in an eerie monotone.
Josh didn’t want to leave Bryan alone in the condition he was in. Not that he was truly alone. Dozens of students had gathered around them. Each one heard every word Bryan had said, but none of them seemed very concerned with helping him. They were too busy gawking and whispering back and forth. Only when the school principal appeared and helped Bryan to his feet, did Josh finally feel comfortable leaving him. He moved through the entranceway with Rosa beside him, and realized that now he had no choice but to deal with his own feelings.
At first, when Bryan had started screaming at him, Josh only felt numb. Now that the truth was starting to sink in, he had to come to terms with his own grief and guilt. He had heard Lily crying when he broke up with her. He knew she was upset. But he never dreamed that she was this upset. He never thought she would take her own life. It didn’t seem possible that she could really be dead. He could picture her sweet heart-shaped face so vividly. He could visualize her skipping down her driveway in her plaid skirt, filled with never-ending optimism. How could she be gone?
“Josh, are you all right?”
Rosa placed a timid hand on his shoulder, and Josh was brought back to awareness. He found that he was trying in vain to work the combination on his locker. He couldn’t even remember how he had gotten there.
“Not really,” Josh told her honestly.
“Can I do anything?”
Josh shook his head. No amount of soft touches or sweet words would fix this. He didn’t deserve to have her comfort. When the warning bell rang signaling they only had five minutes to get to their homerooms, Josh brushed her check absently, and went to his classroom in silence. He went through his courses in a daze. Somehow, it didn’t seem right for everything to go on as usual when Lily was dead.
At lunch, Josh sat quietly, only picking at his food. His friends didn’t ask any questions. News of his ex-girlfriend’s suicide had spread quickly by those who had witnessed the scene in the parking lot. Josh didn’t pay attention to the stares of his fellow classmates, whether they were sympathetic or condemning. Later that afternoon, Josh went to wrestling practice, but he got thrown for the first time in two years. Coach Kubiak assumed it was because of his illness, but he was just distracted. Josh was too busy thinking about his missing teammate, wondering where Bryan was and how he was doing.
Josh skipped the showers and avoided Kevin and Jim when practice was over. When he got home, he was relieved to find that his father wasn’t around. He noticed the local newspaper was sitting on the kitchen counter. On a whim, he flipped it open to the obituaries. He had to skim through the names of several senior citizens before he found the small blurb about Lily. It was brief and to the point. It had her name, age, and stated that she had passed suddenly on Friday afternoon. Josh felt his heart drop. He had harbored
“It’s your fault,” Bryan accused. “She killed herself! She killed herself because of you!”
He tried to tackle Josh again, but he was so off balance, he didn’t even make it to where Josh stood before he simply fell to the ground with an audible thump. That small effort seemed to be all Bryan was able to muster. He rolled himself into a ball, rocked back and forth, and seemed to forget that Josh was even there at all as he lost himself in his grief.
“Lily. Oh, Lily,” Bryan chanted in an eerie monotone.
Josh didn’t want to leave Bryan alone in the condition he was in. Not that he was truly alone. Dozens of students had gathered around them. Each one heard every word Bryan had said, but none of them seemed very concerned with helping him. They were too busy gawking and whispering back and forth. Only when the school principal appeared and helped Bryan to his feet, did Josh finally feel comfortable leaving him. He moved through the entranceway with Rosa beside him, and realized that now he had no choice but to deal with his own feelings.
At first, when Bryan had started screaming at him, Josh only felt numb. Now that the truth was starting to sink in, he had to come to terms with his own grief and guilt. He had heard Lily crying when he broke up with her. He knew she was upset. But he never dreamed that she was this upset. He never thought she would take her own life. It didn’t seem possible that she could really be dead. He could picture her sweet heart-shaped face so vividly. He could visualize her skipping down her driveway in her plaid skirt, filled with never-ending optimism. How could she be gone?
“Josh, are you all right?”
Rosa placed a timid hand on his shoulder, and Josh was brought back to awareness. He found that he was trying in vain to work the combination on his locker. He couldn’t even remember how he had gotten there.
“Not really,” Josh told her honestly.
“Can I do anything?”
Josh shook his head. No amount of soft touches or sweet words would fix this. He didn’t deserve to have her comfort. When the warning bell rang signaling they only had five minutes to get to their homerooms, Josh brushed her check absently, and went to his classroom in silence. He went through his courses in a daze. Somehow, it didn’t seem right for everything to go on as usual when Lily was dead.
At lunch, Josh sat quietly, only picking at his food. His friends didn’t ask any questions. News of his ex-girlfriend’s suicide had spread quickly by those who had witnessed the scene in the parking lot. Josh didn’t pay attention to the stares of his fellow classmates, whether they were sympathetic or condemning. Later that afternoon, Josh went to wrestling practice, but he got thrown for the first time in two years. Coach Kubiak assumed it was because of his illness, but he was just distracted. Josh was too busy thinking about his missing teammate, wondering where Bryan was and how he was doing.
Josh skipped the showers and avoided Kevin and Jim when practice was over. When he got home, he was relieved to find that his father wasn’t around. He noticed the local newspaper was sitting on the kitchen counter. On a whim, he flipped it open to the obituaries. He had to skim through the names of several senior citizens before he found the small blurb about Lily. It was brief and to the point. It had her name, age, and stated that she had passed suddenly on Friday afternoon. Josh felt his heart drop. He had harbored
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