burst through the doors at Bugler headquarters.
“Everybody stand up! Now!”
Chairs slid back. Staff glanced at each other.
“Thirty points behind! Have you all been circle-jerking in here? Where are we weakest?” He stretched out an arm. “You!”
“Me?” peeped a shaken staffer.
“You’re fired!” yelled Malcolm. “Get out of my sight!” A finger aimed at the next person. “You! And you better not say, ‘Me?’ ”
“War record?”
“Bingo! And don’t say it like a question!” Malcolm clasped hands behind his back. “Continue.”
“Well, our opponent, Hank Freeman, is a highly decorated Vietnam veteran. And our candidate’s dad used his influence to help him, uh . . . not go to the war.”
“Say it!” yelled Malcolm.
“Say what?” asked the shrinking staffer.
“We shoot straight in here!” shouted Malcolm. “Don’t give some euphemistic ‘not go to the war.’ Say what everyone out on the street is saying!”
“He’s a draft dodger?”
“I never want to hear that slanderous shit again! Get the fuck out!”
Running feet. A door slammed.
Glide plopped down in the chair at the head of a conference table. Other chairs began to fill.
“Did I say you could sit?”
They popped back up.
“Sit down!” Malcolm rubbed his cheeks hard with his palms. “So Freeman’s a hero and our guy’s a faggot. We got ’em now!”
Expressions around the table said they didn’t understand.
“Who doesn’t understand?” said Malcolm.
Nobody made a sound.
“Good. Because we don’t need any amateurs who’ve never read Orwell.” Malcolm pointed again. “You’re fired!”
“What did I do?”
“You look weird to me. Out!”
The door slammed.
“We’re going to flip this thing,” said Malcolm. “Patriot is wimp. Wimp is patriot. Ideas?”
Silence around the table.
“Do I have to teach you everything?” He pointed again. “What’s Freeman most known for?”
“Single-handedly stormed a machine-gun nest.”
“He lied to get his medals,” said Glide. “The nest was empty.”
“But he won the Purple Heart.”
“He shot himself in a cowardly attempt to be sent home.”
“Both his legs were amputated.”
“That means he was a really big coward,” said Glide. “Made sure he’d go home. I want this viral on the Internet by Friday!”
A hand timidly rose. “How does that make our guy a patriot?”
“How’d he dodge the draft?” asked Malcolm.
“His dad got him in the National Guard.”
“The same Guard that’s now pulling five tours in Afghanistan?” said Glide. “Press release: Our candidate is proud of his war record performing highly dangerous service, and is deeply offended by anti-Americans who call our brave members of the Guard draft dodgers. If elected he’ll courageously introduce legislation to extend their tours.”
“But he served in Memphis.”
“Memphis scares the shit out of me . . . Get to work!”
And now, two years later, the victory was political legend, forever cementing Glide’s reputation. He dialed the phone.
“Rip? Malcolm here . . . Yeah, the thermometer looked great on TV . . . Listen, I need another favor . . .”
Somewhere in Cyberspace
Dear Serge,
Most thanks again for your assistance. I just sent the banking account information. Did you receive? Please advise immediately when you have secured funds and make deposit.
God’s blessings upon you
Bobonofassi Gabonilar
Dear Bobo,
Great news, pen pal! I almost have the money. Even better: I’ve been in touch with Sarah Palin, and I think she can help us with the transfers and the rest of your problems. If you’re watching TV and see her kick someone in the crotch, that’s the signal she’s on board . . . More good news! I didn’t mention this before because of the stress you were under: I’m actually a spy! I’ve only been at it a couple days, but my first mission was a complete success except the hostages did some damage in my trunk. And Miami
“Everybody stand up! Now!”
Chairs slid back. Staff glanced at each other.
“Thirty points behind! Have you all been circle-jerking in here? Where are we weakest?” He stretched out an arm. “You!”
“Me?” peeped a shaken staffer.
“You’re fired!” yelled Malcolm. “Get out of my sight!” A finger aimed at the next person. “You! And you better not say, ‘Me?’ ”
“War record?”
“Bingo! And don’t say it like a question!” Malcolm clasped hands behind his back. “Continue.”
“Well, our opponent, Hank Freeman, is a highly decorated Vietnam veteran. And our candidate’s dad used his influence to help him, uh . . . not go to the war.”
“Say it!” yelled Malcolm.
“Say what?” asked the shrinking staffer.
“We shoot straight in here!” shouted Malcolm. “Don’t give some euphemistic ‘not go to the war.’ Say what everyone out on the street is saying!”
“He’s a draft dodger?”
“I never want to hear that slanderous shit again! Get the fuck out!”
Running feet. A door slammed.
Glide plopped down in the chair at the head of a conference table. Other chairs began to fill.
“Did I say you could sit?”
They popped back up.
“Sit down!” Malcolm rubbed his cheeks hard with his palms. “So Freeman’s a hero and our guy’s a faggot. We got ’em now!”
Expressions around the table said they didn’t understand.
“Who doesn’t understand?” said Malcolm.
Nobody made a sound.
“Good. Because we don’t need any amateurs who’ve never read Orwell.” Malcolm pointed again. “You’re fired!”
“What did I do?”
“You look weird to me. Out!”
The door slammed.
“We’re going to flip this thing,” said Malcolm. “Patriot is wimp. Wimp is patriot. Ideas?”
Silence around the table.
“Do I have to teach you everything?” He pointed again. “What’s Freeman most known for?”
“Single-handedly stormed a machine-gun nest.”
“He lied to get his medals,” said Glide. “The nest was empty.”
“But he won the Purple Heart.”
“He shot himself in a cowardly attempt to be sent home.”
“Both his legs were amputated.”
“That means he was a really big coward,” said Glide. “Made sure he’d go home. I want this viral on the Internet by Friday!”
A hand timidly rose. “How does that make our guy a patriot?”
“How’d he dodge the draft?” asked Malcolm.
“His dad got him in the National Guard.”
“The same Guard that’s now pulling five tours in Afghanistan?” said Glide. “Press release: Our candidate is proud of his war record performing highly dangerous service, and is deeply offended by anti-Americans who call our brave members of the Guard draft dodgers. If elected he’ll courageously introduce legislation to extend their tours.”
“But he served in Memphis.”
“Memphis scares the shit out of me . . . Get to work!”
And now, two years later, the victory was political legend, forever cementing Glide’s reputation. He dialed the phone.
“Rip? Malcolm here . . . Yeah, the thermometer looked great on TV . . . Listen, I need another favor . . .”
Somewhere in Cyberspace
Dear Serge,
Most thanks again for your assistance. I just sent the banking account information. Did you receive? Please advise immediately when you have secured funds and make deposit.
God’s blessings upon you
Bobonofassi Gabonilar
Dear Bobo,
Great news, pen pal! I almost have the money. Even better: I’ve been in touch with Sarah Palin, and I think she can help us with the transfers and the rest of your problems. If you’re watching TV and see her kick someone in the crotch, that’s the signal she’s on board . . . More good news! I didn’t mention this before because of the stress you were under: I’m actually a spy! I’ve only been at it a couple days, but my first mission was a complete success except the hostages did some damage in my trunk. And Miami
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