caving in on him and he
couldn’t breathe, the pressure against his chest completely
dizzying. He wrapped his arms around his chest, hating the
softness that hit his forearms. He shuddered in disgust and
groaned, burying his face into his pillow.
“I don’t wanna be awake,” he mumbled into the pillow.
He hated the idea that Devon could be on the other side of
the room, witnessing his dysphoric freak-out, but at the
same time it was hard to lock that shit away when he first
woke up and his mind hadn’t caught up with his body yet.
After a moment, he lifted his head and looked around,
brows furrowing. He let out a sigh of relief when he found
the room empty. He sat up and wrapped his arm around his
chest even as he stripped his shirt off as quickly as he
possibly could and vigorously pulled on his binder.
After pulling one, two, three shirts on, Blake pulled on
one of his hoodies and left the room with one of his many
books tucked into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. He
wandered down to the cafe and got a bagel, settling down
on the couch in the corner of the cafe and pulling out his
book.
His head lowered as he began to read and nibble on his
bagel, and it didn’t lift for what felt like hours. He was just
83
Joey James Hook
fading into the background, not wanting to garner too much
attention to himself. His nerves were raw and every
movement felt like it was being watched.
It was so obviously going to be a bad day.
As he read, his mind wandered to Ethan and the
conversation he’d had with his mother the night before.
Could Ethan really be in love with him? It could be possible,
especially if his mother was the one pointing it out. They
had spent so much time together recently and Ethan was his
biggest supporter and his best friend in the entire world.
Honestly, he’d thought about dating him before, but he felt
like he wasn’t worthy of that kind of attention so he hadn’t
even bothered with the idea.
The moments he’d spent alone with Ethan were some of
the best. The way they could spend hours around each other
and he could feel completely comfortable in his skin around
him was a miracle in and of itself. Blake had to wonder if
that was indicative of something. He always got a flicker of
excitement in his stomach whenever he heard Ethan’s voice
or saw his face. Maybe it was more than that, those
proverbial butterflies he’d heard about when people talked
about being in love.
Maybe he was in love with his best friend. It’d be better
than chasing after a frat boy like Riley, no matter how nice
and laid-back he was. Besides, he and Devon had much
better chemistry. Riley didn’t know about him. Ethan did.
Sometimes that made him just want to crawl out of his skin,
but other times—most of the time, really—it was nice to
know that someone accepted him for just who he was and
maybe wanted to be with him despite the fact that he wasn’t
transitioned yet. Yet being the operative term because God
knew he wasn’t going to be staying this way for much
longer.
About half an hour into it, Blake pulled his knees up to
84
Phoenix
his chest to try and compress what he was trying to hide. He
gripped his shins gently and sighed, taking his eyes off the
book and letting his head meet his knee.
“Whatcha doin’, girly?” came a goading voice that put
Blake’s teeth on edge. He ignored the words, focusing on his
book and licking over his lips in complete annoyance. “Hey,
girly boy, I’m talking to you.”
He gave Dominic half a glance, then looked back down
without acknowledging him. He felt like he was going to be
sick any second, the anxiety trying to turn his stomach inside
out.
“Jillian,” came the drawn-out mocking tone that followed,
and Blake gritted his teeth, forcing himself not to look up at
the bully. He could hear his sneaker tapping against the
linoleum in front of him and it was really starting to get on
his
couldn’t breathe, the pressure against his chest completely
dizzying. He wrapped his arms around his chest, hating the
softness that hit his forearms. He shuddered in disgust and
groaned, burying his face into his pillow.
“I don’t wanna be awake,” he mumbled into the pillow.
He hated the idea that Devon could be on the other side of
the room, witnessing his dysphoric freak-out, but at the
same time it was hard to lock that shit away when he first
woke up and his mind hadn’t caught up with his body yet.
After a moment, he lifted his head and looked around,
brows furrowing. He let out a sigh of relief when he found
the room empty. He sat up and wrapped his arm around his
chest even as he stripped his shirt off as quickly as he
possibly could and vigorously pulled on his binder.
After pulling one, two, three shirts on, Blake pulled on
one of his hoodies and left the room with one of his many
books tucked into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. He
wandered down to the cafe and got a bagel, settling down
on the couch in the corner of the cafe and pulling out his
book.
His head lowered as he began to read and nibble on his
bagel, and it didn’t lift for what felt like hours. He was just
83
Joey James Hook
fading into the background, not wanting to garner too much
attention to himself. His nerves were raw and every
movement felt like it was being watched.
It was so obviously going to be a bad day.
As he read, his mind wandered to Ethan and the
conversation he’d had with his mother the night before.
Could Ethan really be in love with him? It could be possible,
especially if his mother was the one pointing it out. They
had spent so much time together recently and Ethan was his
biggest supporter and his best friend in the entire world.
Honestly, he’d thought about dating him before, but he felt
like he wasn’t worthy of that kind of attention so he hadn’t
even bothered with the idea.
The moments he’d spent alone with Ethan were some of
the best. The way they could spend hours around each other
and he could feel completely comfortable in his skin around
him was a miracle in and of itself. Blake had to wonder if
that was indicative of something. He always got a flicker of
excitement in his stomach whenever he heard Ethan’s voice
or saw his face. Maybe it was more than that, those
proverbial butterflies he’d heard about when people talked
about being in love.
Maybe he was in love with his best friend. It’d be better
than chasing after a frat boy like Riley, no matter how nice
and laid-back he was. Besides, he and Devon had much
better chemistry. Riley didn’t know about him. Ethan did.
Sometimes that made him just want to crawl out of his skin,
but other times—most of the time, really—it was nice to
know that someone accepted him for just who he was and
maybe wanted to be with him despite the fact that he wasn’t
transitioned yet. Yet being the operative term because God
knew he wasn’t going to be staying this way for much
longer.
About half an hour into it, Blake pulled his knees up to
84
Phoenix
his chest to try and compress what he was trying to hide. He
gripped his shins gently and sighed, taking his eyes off the
book and letting his head meet his knee.
“Whatcha doin’, girly?” came a goading voice that put
Blake’s teeth on edge. He ignored the words, focusing on his
book and licking over his lips in complete annoyance. “Hey,
girly boy, I’m talking to you.”
He gave Dominic half a glance, then looked back down
without acknowledging him. He felt like he was going to be
sick any second, the anxiety trying to turn his stomach inside
out.
“Jillian,” came the drawn-out mocking tone that followed,
and Blake gritted his teeth, forcing himself not to look up at
the bully. He could hear his sneaker tapping against the
linoleum in front of him and it was really starting to get on
his
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