was a sham existence anyway, a constant pretense that a history like that could just be folded away like a board game and forgotten about.
He smiled again, dismissively, and said, “You’ve caught me at a low point, Jools, that’s all. I just need to find some balance, you know, to find some way of living a full life as well as doing this.”
She smiled too and added, “Isn’t that what we’re all doing?” She patted her stomach to drive the point home.
He nodded agreement but thinking of her, of where her life was heading, lost in a future that seemed unavailable to him, he said, “That’s a good point though, kids, stuff like that. Falling in love.” He laughed, almost defensively, in response to the idea. “I really don’t know if I could cope with falling in love.”
“You haven’t been in love since ...” She didn’t say the name, knowing that JJ didn’t need her to, a sensitivity on her part even to the distant past.
“No, I don’t think I have, which means I haven’t I suppose. I’ve had relationships, happy ones too, but the thought of being in love with someone, being that close ... It’s scary, especially now.” He felt like he was rambling, incoherent, his thoughts tumbling over the last day and a half, but it was obviously making some sense.
Jools suddenly looked concerned and said, “Are you in some kind of trouble? I mean, are you in danger?”
“No,” he said quickly, making it implicit in his tone that the question was preposterous. “No, Jools, seriously. I don’t have many chances to talk about these things, that’s all it is, like I shouldn’t really be talking to you, so it’s just spilling out and not making sense. Really, I’m embarrassed to be going on about it, especially when there are so many other things we could be talking about.” He did feel bad for burdening her, yet at the same time he’d wanted to tell her much more: that he was lonely, that he felt like indistinct bits of him were dying, that nothing was clear anymore. It was enough though, what he’d told her was enough, like a gasp of pure oxygen, burning the tissue of his lungs.
“I don’t mind,” she said, apparently reassured, taking it in her stride. “I’m glad you told me.” And as an afterthought, “I suppose I have to keep it all very hush-hush?”
“I’d prefer it if you did. Tell them about my venture capital company.”
She stared down into her mug, both hands wrapped around it as if for the warmth, and when she looked up again, she said, “So that’s the real reason you’ve never been in touch.”
It was as though the two things had only just found their way together in her head, and now, making that connection, she seemed happy that there had been a reason, that it hadn’t been simply a case of him losing interest. Yet perhaps in truth, for a while at least, he had lost interest, the closeness he’d had with her and others seeming irrelevant.
“Maybe that’s what I was trying to say before,” he said, answering her. “It’s difficult to balance things like regular friends, relationships, people who aren’t in the know.” Aurianne crashed suddenly through his vision, like a moth spinning recklessly into a lit room, hitting things at random, her smile, the way she undressed when she was tired, the scent of the shampoo she used. “It isn’t fair on people,” he said, shutting the memory off. “Even you, now; I’d never call you from my own apartment, never give you my number or address. I wouldn’t want anyone to know that you know me. It wouldn’t ... it wouldn’t be wise.”
“That’s scary,” she said, shuddering slightly.
JJ jumped back in, quickly taking the edge off it. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a question of danger. It’s ... well, it’s complicated. And, Jools, I can assure you, I haven’t compromised you in any way by coming here. I’m very discreet, very careful, and I think too much of you, even if it has been eight
He smiled again, dismissively, and said, “You’ve caught me at a low point, Jools, that’s all. I just need to find some balance, you know, to find some way of living a full life as well as doing this.”
She smiled too and added, “Isn’t that what we’re all doing?” She patted her stomach to drive the point home.
He nodded agreement but thinking of her, of where her life was heading, lost in a future that seemed unavailable to him, he said, “That’s a good point though, kids, stuff like that. Falling in love.” He laughed, almost defensively, in response to the idea. “I really don’t know if I could cope with falling in love.”
“You haven’t been in love since ...” She didn’t say the name, knowing that JJ didn’t need her to, a sensitivity on her part even to the distant past.
“No, I don’t think I have, which means I haven’t I suppose. I’ve had relationships, happy ones too, but the thought of being in love with someone, being that close ... It’s scary, especially now.” He felt like he was rambling, incoherent, his thoughts tumbling over the last day and a half, but it was obviously making some sense.
Jools suddenly looked concerned and said, “Are you in some kind of trouble? I mean, are you in danger?”
“No,” he said quickly, making it implicit in his tone that the question was preposterous. “No, Jools, seriously. I don’t have many chances to talk about these things, that’s all it is, like I shouldn’t really be talking to you, so it’s just spilling out and not making sense. Really, I’m embarrassed to be going on about it, especially when there are so many other things we could be talking about.” He did feel bad for burdening her, yet at the same time he’d wanted to tell her much more: that he was lonely, that he felt like indistinct bits of him were dying, that nothing was clear anymore. It was enough though, what he’d told her was enough, like a gasp of pure oxygen, burning the tissue of his lungs.
“I don’t mind,” she said, apparently reassured, taking it in her stride. “I’m glad you told me.” And as an afterthought, “I suppose I have to keep it all very hush-hush?”
“I’d prefer it if you did. Tell them about my venture capital company.”
She stared down into her mug, both hands wrapped around it as if for the warmth, and when she looked up again, she said, “So that’s the real reason you’ve never been in touch.”
It was as though the two things had only just found their way together in her head, and now, making that connection, she seemed happy that there had been a reason, that it hadn’t been simply a case of him losing interest. Yet perhaps in truth, for a while at least, he had lost interest, the closeness he’d had with her and others seeming irrelevant.
“Maybe that’s what I was trying to say before,” he said, answering her. “It’s difficult to balance things like regular friends, relationships, people who aren’t in the know.” Aurianne crashed suddenly through his vision, like a moth spinning recklessly into a lit room, hitting things at random, her smile, the way she undressed when she was tired, the scent of the shampoo she used. “It isn’t fair on people,” he said, shutting the memory off. “Even you, now; I’d never call you from my own apartment, never give you my number or address. I wouldn’t want anyone to know that you know me. It wouldn’t ... it wouldn’t be wise.”
“That’s scary,” she said, shuddering slightly.
JJ jumped back in, quickly taking the edge off it. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a question of danger. It’s ... well, it’s complicated. And, Jools, I can assure you, I haven’t compromised you in any way by coming here. I’m very discreet, very careful, and I think too much of you, even if it has been eight
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