Paul Is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion by Alan Goldsher Page B
Authors: Alan Goldsher
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unceremoniously dropped Rowe on the floor, ran to the other side of the office, and opened the window. Before Rowe even knew he was a zombie, John grabbed him by the waist, wound up like a cricket player, and underhanded him out the window onto the sidewalk thirty meters below.
JOHN LENNON: In my defense, I took the time to look down at the street and make sure I wasn’t throwing Dickie onto any pedestrians, because I knew I was gonna throw him so hard that if he’d have landed on somebody, they would’ve been dead instantly. Killing somebody without eating them was pointless. At least I thought so then.
I’d never purposely Midpointed anybody, and I wasn’t sure if it would work. But this was a ten-story drop, and I was comfortable thinking that that would end it, especially if he was falling at fifty kilometers per hour. If it didn’t work, I was prepared to go downstairs and set his body on fire.
DICK ROWE: When I came to, I was in my own bed. Wait, check that: I was hovering over my own bed. I wasn’t in pain, but I wasn’t not inpain, and I think the only way you’d understand what I mean by that is if you get Midpointed, and I hope to God that never happens to you.
JOHN LENNON: I’ll never let Dick Rowe become a zombie. No diamond bullets in the noggin for him. He’s a Midpointer for life and death. And whenever one of those blue tears drips onto his slacks, I want him to remember the names John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
DICK ROWE: None of the Midpoint characteristics kept me from being able to do my job—frankly, all the Midpoint symptoms are more of a nuisance than anything else—so I kept right on working.
Sometimes being the way I am has worked in my favor: Like Tom Jones said he signed with us instead of Vee-Jay, because he thought my floating was, as he put it, “far out, baby.”
On the other hand, it almost hurt me with the Rolling Stones, as Mick had issues with zombies of any sort. But that’s another story.
W e now interrupt our narrative for a digression about zombie sex slaves. Everybody asks.
John, Paul, and George had similar reactions when I raised the topic of sex slaves: brief silence and a frightening glare, followed by the threat of a painful death without reanimation. No confirmations. No denials. Just really, really scary warnings. Thus, nobody can say for sure if the three undead Beatles used their zombie powers to create minions of women who would fulfill their every sexual desire.
There is, nonetheless, some compelling evidence that points toward … something.
LYMAN COSGROVE: I’ve been told that the most controversial chapter of Under the Canal is chapter nine, the section about the sex life of beings who have undergone the Liverpool Process. And saying that’s the most controversial is quite a statement, because both zombologists and casual undead watchers alike have made it clear that they believe the entire book to be exceedingly controversial. I’ve never shied away from controversy, however, and I never will.
L yman told me that he hasn’t made any new zombie sex discoveries since the original publication of Under the Canal, so rather than discuss something he’s discussed time and again, he prefers I pull the information verbatim from his book, so as to avoid any possible inconsistencies.
FROM CHAPTER NINE OF LYMAN COSGROVE AND ELLINGTON WORTHSON’S UNDER THE CANAL: THE UNDEAD OF ABYSSINIA CLOSE AND THE BIRTH OF THE LIVERPOOL PROCESS:
There are precious few studies on the sex life of the Homo Coprophagus Somnambulus, as many zombies are unable or unwilling to engage in the act at all. Female zombies find it difficult, if not impossible, to naturally lubricate, and male zombies suffer from a plethora of obstacles, running the gamut from an inability to produce and/or maintain an erection to penile detachment.
For the fortunate zombies born via the Liverpool Process, sex is a realistic possibility, but fully satisfying sex, less so. For females, the chance
JOHN LENNON: In my defense, I took the time to look down at the street and make sure I wasn’t throwing Dickie onto any pedestrians, because I knew I was gonna throw him so hard that if he’d have landed on somebody, they would’ve been dead instantly. Killing somebody without eating them was pointless. At least I thought so then.
I’d never purposely Midpointed anybody, and I wasn’t sure if it would work. But this was a ten-story drop, and I was comfortable thinking that that would end it, especially if he was falling at fifty kilometers per hour. If it didn’t work, I was prepared to go downstairs and set his body on fire.
DICK ROWE: When I came to, I was in my own bed. Wait, check that: I was hovering over my own bed. I wasn’t in pain, but I wasn’t not inpain, and I think the only way you’d understand what I mean by that is if you get Midpointed, and I hope to God that never happens to you.
JOHN LENNON: I’ll never let Dick Rowe become a zombie. No diamond bullets in the noggin for him. He’s a Midpointer for life and death. And whenever one of those blue tears drips onto his slacks, I want him to remember the names John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
DICK ROWE: None of the Midpoint characteristics kept me from being able to do my job—frankly, all the Midpoint symptoms are more of a nuisance than anything else—so I kept right on working.
Sometimes being the way I am has worked in my favor: Like Tom Jones said he signed with us instead of Vee-Jay, because he thought my floating was, as he put it, “far out, baby.”
On the other hand, it almost hurt me with the Rolling Stones, as Mick had issues with zombies of any sort. But that’s another story.
W e now interrupt our narrative for a digression about zombie sex slaves. Everybody asks.
John, Paul, and George had similar reactions when I raised the topic of sex slaves: brief silence and a frightening glare, followed by the threat of a painful death without reanimation. No confirmations. No denials. Just really, really scary warnings. Thus, nobody can say for sure if the three undead Beatles used their zombie powers to create minions of women who would fulfill their every sexual desire.
There is, nonetheless, some compelling evidence that points toward … something.
LYMAN COSGROVE: I’ve been told that the most controversial chapter of Under the Canal is chapter nine, the section about the sex life of beings who have undergone the Liverpool Process. And saying that’s the most controversial is quite a statement, because both zombologists and casual undead watchers alike have made it clear that they believe the entire book to be exceedingly controversial. I’ve never shied away from controversy, however, and I never will.
L yman told me that he hasn’t made any new zombie sex discoveries since the original publication of Under the Canal, so rather than discuss something he’s discussed time and again, he prefers I pull the information verbatim from his book, so as to avoid any possible inconsistencies.
FROM CHAPTER NINE OF LYMAN COSGROVE AND ELLINGTON WORTHSON’S UNDER THE CANAL: THE UNDEAD OF ABYSSINIA CLOSE AND THE BIRTH OF THE LIVERPOOL PROCESS:
There are precious few studies on the sex life of the Homo Coprophagus Somnambulus, as many zombies are unable or unwilling to engage in the act at all. Female zombies find it difficult, if not impossible, to naturally lubricate, and male zombies suffer from a plethora of obstacles, running the gamut from an inability to produce and/or maintain an erection to penile detachment.
For the fortunate zombies born via the Liverpool Process, sex is a realistic possibility, but fully satisfying sex, less so. For females, the chance
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