whole bunch of things. All clustered at the bottom together.’
‘What are the others?’
‘I wouldn’t know where to start. What about you Nicole?’ said Sara. ‘What are some of the thousands of unattractive qualities in a man?’
‘Men with hubbies.’
‘ Hubbies ?’
‘Have I got the word wrong?’
‘Possibly. It depends.’
‘You know, like something he does all the time. Like making aeroplanes or collecting stamps, or—’
‘Ah ho bbies!’
‘Don’t you think it depends on the hubby, though?’ said Luke. ‘Alex, for example, has lots of hubbies and some of them are quite harmless, even potentially endearing.’
‘Have you, Alex?’
‘Oh don’t get him started on his hubbies. We’ll be here all night. What else though? What are the other unattractive qualities in a man?’
‘Men who bite their finger-nails.’
‘He’s a compulsive nail-biter,’ said Luke.
‘Pot bellies.’
‘He’s got one of those too.’
‘Hairy backs.’
‘It’s like you’re describing him,’ said Luke.
‘Stained underpants,’ said Sara.
‘Now you’re getting really personal.’
‘Men who look in their handkerchiefs after they’ve blown their nose,’ said Nicole.
‘Oh come on. It might not be nice but it’s not gender specific.’
‘Also, how many men do you know who have handkerchiefs these days? This is the age of the tissue.’
‘Men who can’t dance.’
‘Men who put their socks on before their trousers.’
‘Men who smoke.’ Luke shot Alex a what did I tell you? glance.
‘And women who smoke,’ he said.
‘Smoking generally.’
‘Men dancing badly and smoking in their socks and stained underpants.’
‘Yes.’
‘Men who can’t cook.’
‘I’m a brilliant cook,’ said Luke.
‘Men who boast.’
‘ English men,’ said Nicole and Sara together.
‘What about attractive qualities? What do women like in a man? I think that’s the kind of angle Alex and I are more interested in.’
‘Defnitely,’ said Alex.
‘Seriously?’ said Sara.
‘Of course.’
‘Broad shoulders,’ said Nicole, putting her arm around Luke’s thin shoulders.
‘Strength.’
‘Kindness.’
‘Yes, kindness is a lovely quality,’ said Sara. ‘Often over-looked.’
‘Men who dance well.’
‘Tanned ankles.’
‘Men who don’t have holes in their socks.’
‘Speaking of socks,’ said Sara, ‘there are men with a foot in both camps, so to speak. Damaged men. There are women who like damaged men. That is, women go through a phase of liking damaged men. They think they can mend them, like socks. Then, hopefully, they come to their senses and realize that a damaged man is actually just a boy.’
‘Damaged,’ Luke said to Nicole, ‘is not the same as ruined.’
‘Apart from that, it’s very simple and not at all mysterious,’ said Sara. ‘Women like in men exactly the things men like in women. Attractive faces, nice bodies, intelligent, generous, sexy, funny.’
‘The most important thing,’ said Nicole, ‘is that women like men who like women.’
‘ I like women,’ said Alex.
‘One out of six is not bad going,’ said Luke.
‘That still leaves the question of where we’re going to eat,’ said Sara.
‘Actually, we could eat here.’
‘Shall we eat here?’
‘Let’s eat here.’
‘Here is good.’
‘Let’s eat here then.’
When they had ordered, Sara told them about her work as an interpreter: French, Italian, Spanish, English; consecutive, simultaneous . . . The latter – translating into one language at exactly the same time the words you were hearing in another – seemed an unimaginable skill. Especially to Luke whose French, according to Alex, was ‘lamentable, pitiful’. This was unfair and inaccurate, though not as inaccurate as Luke’s own verdict (‘fuent’). Nicole was nearer the mark with ‘coming along’. Alex was keen to gloat because, in the language hierarchy, he was second bottom with two (including English).
‘What are the others?’
‘I wouldn’t know where to start. What about you Nicole?’ said Sara. ‘What are some of the thousands of unattractive qualities in a man?’
‘Men with hubbies.’
‘ Hubbies ?’
‘Have I got the word wrong?’
‘Possibly. It depends.’
‘You know, like something he does all the time. Like making aeroplanes or collecting stamps, or—’
‘Ah ho bbies!’
‘Don’t you think it depends on the hubby, though?’ said Luke. ‘Alex, for example, has lots of hubbies and some of them are quite harmless, even potentially endearing.’
‘Have you, Alex?’
‘Oh don’t get him started on his hubbies. We’ll be here all night. What else though? What are the other unattractive qualities in a man?’
‘Men who bite their finger-nails.’
‘He’s a compulsive nail-biter,’ said Luke.
‘Pot bellies.’
‘He’s got one of those too.’
‘Hairy backs.’
‘It’s like you’re describing him,’ said Luke.
‘Stained underpants,’ said Sara.
‘Now you’re getting really personal.’
‘Men who look in their handkerchiefs after they’ve blown their nose,’ said Nicole.
‘Oh come on. It might not be nice but it’s not gender specific.’
‘Also, how many men do you know who have handkerchiefs these days? This is the age of the tissue.’
‘Men who can’t dance.’
‘Men who put their socks on before their trousers.’
‘Men who smoke.’ Luke shot Alex a what did I tell you? glance.
‘And women who smoke,’ he said.
‘Smoking generally.’
‘Men dancing badly and smoking in their socks and stained underpants.’
‘Yes.’
‘Men who can’t cook.’
‘I’m a brilliant cook,’ said Luke.
‘Men who boast.’
‘ English men,’ said Nicole and Sara together.
‘What about attractive qualities? What do women like in a man? I think that’s the kind of angle Alex and I are more interested in.’
‘Defnitely,’ said Alex.
‘Seriously?’ said Sara.
‘Of course.’
‘Broad shoulders,’ said Nicole, putting her arm around Luke’s thin shoulders.
‘Strength.’
‘Kindness.’
‘Yes, kindness is a lovely quality,’ said Sara. ‘Often over-looked.’
‘Men who dance well.’
‘Tanned ankles.’
‘Men who don’t have holes in their socks.’
‘Speaking of socks,’ said Sara, ‘there are men with a foot in both camps, so to speak. Damaged men. There are women who like damaged men. That is, women go through a phase of liking damaged men. They think they can mend them, like socks. Then, hopefully, they come to their senses and realize that a damaged man is actually just a boy.’
‘Damaged,’ Luke said to Nicole, ‘is not the same as ruined.’
‘Apart from that, it’s very simple and not at all mysterious,’ said Sara. ‘Women like in men exactly the things men like in women. Attractive faces, nice bodies, intelligent, generous, sexy, funny.’
‘The most important thing,’ said Nicole, ‘is that women like men who like women.’
‘ I like women,’ said Alex.
‘One out of six is not bad going,’ said Luke.
‘That still leaves the question of where we’re going to eat,’ said Sara.
‘Actually, we could eat here.’
‘Shall we eat here?’
‘Let’s eat here.’
‘Here is good.’
‘Let’s eat here then.’
When they had ordered, Sara told them about her work as an interpreter: French, Italian, Spanish, English; consecutive, simultaneous . . . The latter – translating into one language at exactly the same time the words you were hearing in another – seemed an unimaginable skill. Especially to Luke whose French, according to Alex, was ‘lamentable, pitiful’. This was unfair and inaccurate, though not as inaccurate as Luke’s own verdict (‘fuent’). Nicole was nearer the mark with ‘coming along’. Alex was keen to gloat because, in the language hierarchy, he was second bottom with two (including English).
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