Ronin does in our little partnership?”
“I do not give one fancy fuck about Ronin’s part in what you guys do together.”
Ford looks away and sighs. “I’m sorry, then, OK?” He looks back over at me and waits a few seconds to see if I’ll respond. But I keep silent. “I didn’t realize it would affect you like that, OK? I’m sorry.”
I continue to stare out the window. “Whatever. You know exactly what you were doing, so save it. Just take me home.”
“Rook, I swear, it was a little harmless flirt, that’s all. I didn’t realize you’d get all…” He stops. “Well, I don’t really understand what happened, actually. Do you like me? Like that?”
Oh, my God. I am so completely fucking humiliated. “Just take me home.”
I catch him scrubbing his hand down his face from the corner of my eye, like I’m frustrating him. “OK, I’ll start then. How’s that? Because I really didn’t mean to have this conversation with you, like ever. But since I’ve unleashed it—maybe unconsciously, maybe not—I’ll just say it.”
Holy fucking shit, he’s gonna go there.
“I want you. I have it pretty bad, in fact. I knew the fucking moment I saw you come into Antoine’s office that day we went out to dinner. I went out of my way to make sure you were sitting next to me. And you, you… you just… there was just something about you that drew me in. I had no idea what it was. At least back then.” He stops and swallows and then looks over at me and stares hard, straight in my eyes. “But I do now. I know what it is that draws us together and I think you do too.”
“I’m not talking about this.”
He ignores me and continues. “I’d never make you cheat on Ronin, Rook. I’m not like that at all.”
“Take me home.”
“But you’d make my year if you admitted to me that you feel this too.”
“Oh. My. God! Shut the fuck up and take me home!” I shout it and I expect some reaction to this lapse in emotional control, but a laugh isn’t quite it. “Why are you laughing?”
“You do like me, don’t you? Enough to leave Ronin? Not that I’m asking,” he adds hurriedly. “I’m not asking you to do that, OK. I’m just—”
“You’re just playing with me, right? You think you’ve guessed something about my past and that gives you the right to mess with me? Play concerned friend, take me running and then flirt and make me uncomfortable. Get me to spill my guts and then stomp all over my feelings and rub it all in. That’s what you’re doing, right?”
“Rub all what in, Rook?” he asks, confused.
“The fact that you could dangle that teeny-tiny carrot in front of me and I’d jump.”
“Do you like me?”
“Of course I like you. Why else would I spend so much fucking time with you?”
“Do you want me?”
I take a second to think this through because this question is much harder to answer.
“Do you, Rook?”
“No, Ford. I don’t.” I look over at him and let my defenses drop a little. “You have this power over me, you make that rotten carrot look like spun sugar. And I’ve been there already. I know it’s an illusion. I’m not looking for that kind of relationship again, OK? But…” I’m not sure I want to say the rest, so I stop and chew on my nail as I watch the people in the parking lot.
Ford stays silent for a while, but there’s no way I’m getting out of this now, so when he pushes I’m not surprised. “But what? Just tell me, Rook. If you want me to keep it from Ronin, I will. I won’t tell him any of this.”
I continue my silence, my mind racing with what Ford is asking me to admit. I’m not sure I’m ready to do that, in fact, I might never be ready to do that. But I need to tell him something. I swallow down my fear and turn to look at him. “If you were to ask me to leave with you. To just walk away from all of it. The show, Ronin, school… all of it.”
He raises his eyebrows in surprise.
“I’d go. Because you’re right,
“I do not give one fancy fuck about Ronin’s part in what you guys do together.”
Ford looks away and sighs. “I’m sorry, then, OK?” He looks back over at me and waits a few seconds to see if I’ll respond. But I keep silent. “I didn’t realize it would affect you like that, OK? I’m sorry.”
I continue to stare out the window. “Whatever. You know exactly what you were doing, so save it. Just take me home.”
“Rook, I swear, it was a little harmless flirt, that’s all. I didn’t realize you’d get all…” He stops. “Well, I don’t really understand what happened, actually. Do you like me? Like that?”
Oh, my God. I am so completely fucking humiliated. “Just take me home.”
I catch him scrubbing his hand down his face from the corner of my eye, like I’m frustrating him. “OK, I’ll start then. How’s that? Because I really didn’t mean to have this conversation with you, like ever. But since I’ve unleashed it—maybe unconsciously, maybe not—I’ll just say it.”
Holy fucking shit, he’s gonna go there.
“I want you. I have it pretty bad, in fact. I knew the fucking moment I saw you come into Antoine’s office that day we went out to dinner. I went out of my way to make sure you were sitting next to me. And you, you… you just… there was just something about you that drew me in. I had no idea what it was. At least back then.” He stops and swallows and then looks over at me and stares hard, straight in my eyes. “But I do now. I know what it is that draws us together and I think you do too.”
“I’m not talking about this.”
He ignores me and continues. “I’d never make you cheat on Ronin, Rook. I’m not like that at all.”
“Take me home.”
“But you’d make my year if you admitted to me that you feel this too.”
“Oh. My. God! Shut the fuck up and take me home!” I shout it and I expect some reaction to this lapse in emotional control, but a laugh isn’t quite it. “Why are you laughing?”
“You do like me, don’t you? Enough to leave Ronin? Not that I’m asking,” he adds hurriedly. “I’m not asking you to do that, OK. I’m just—”
“You’re just playing with me, right? You think you’ve guessed something about my past and that gives you the right to mess with me? Play concerned friend, take me running and then flirt and make me uncomfortable. Get me to spill my guts and then stomp all over my feelings and rub it all in. That’s what you’re doing, right?”
“Rub all what in, Rook?” he asks, confused.
“The fact that you could dangle that teeny-tiny carrot in front of me and I’d jump.”
“Do you like me?”
“Of course I like you. Why else would I spend so much fucking time with you?”
“Do you want me?”
I take a second to think this through because this question is much harder to answer.
“Do you, Rook?”
“No, Ford. I don’t.” I look over at him and let my defenses drop a little. “You have this power over me, you make that rotten carrot look like spun sugar. And I’ve been there already. I know it’s an illusion. I’m not looking for that kind of relationship again, OK? But…” I’m not sure I want to say the rest, so I stop and chew on my nail as I watch the people in the parking lot.
Ford stays silent for a while, but there’s no way I’m getting out of this now, so when he pushes I’m not surprised. “But what? Just tell me, Rook. If you want me to keep it from Ronin, I will. I won’t tell him any of this.”
I continue my silence, my mind racing with what Ford is asking me to admit. I’m not sure I’m ready to do that, in fact, I might never be ready to do that. But I need to tell him something. I swallow down my fear and turn to look at him. “If you were to ask me to leave with you. To just walk away from all of it. The show, Ronin, school… all of it.”
He raises his eyebrows in surprise.
“I’d go. Because you’re right,
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