Sometimes, instead of properly fading away, she slipped in and out of consciousness, jerking to and from the space next to me with such a dizzying tug and pull that I felt seasick. Sometimes, we sat there for half an hour and nothing happened at all.
But when I least expected it, I’d feel that lurch that meant she’d gone. The sudden emptiness, like a part of the world had dropped away. And it would stay like that.
The third time it happened, I sat very still, as I had both times before. Again, I was hyperaware of everything. Every breath. The brush of our clothes on our skin. A wisp of hair against our cheek.
I wrinkled our nose. My nose, for the moment.
The last few practices had lowered my hopes for this one, and Addie’s sudden success left me blindsided.
Suddenly, I had the uncontrollable itch to move. I couldn’t sit here another second—I jumped to my feet. Paced the room. The bedroom door was shut, as usual. The faint noise of Nina’s television program filtered in; she never turned it up very loud.
I stared at the door.
I crossed over, twisted the doorknob, and swung the door open. I’d never left our bedroom before—not alone in my skin.
Nina sat curled up on the couch, picking at the bowl of chocolate candies Emalia left on the coffee table. A small pile of bright foil wrappers lay at her feet. She glanced up as I passed, giving me a quick smile. I smiled back. She turned back to her TV show. No questions. No comment. No suspicions.
No idea. She had no idea.
Why should she?
The thought made me a little sick with the wrongness of it. Here I was, without Addie, and no one
knew
. How could no one know? How could it not be stamped on my forehead? Shining from my eyes?
I had the sudden urge to eat one of Emalia’s chocolates. See if it still tasted the same with Addie gone. Was sugar as sweet? Sweeter? But I made myself continue onward, toward the front door. With every step, a new feeling started to overwhelm the initial
wrongness
, the initial sickness in my stomach. A new, dizzy, giddy feeling—like being on the crest of a wave, staring at the fast-approaching shore. It swept me out into the hall, made me run up the stairs so fast I stumbled.
I pounded on Henri’s door. It swung open. I didn’t react fast enough. Ryan caught my wrist before I accidentally hit him in the chest.
“Eva?” he said.
I reached up and kissed him. Crushed my mouth to his. I pulled my wrist toward me and his hand with it. He threw out his other hand to steady himself on the doorframe. My heart pounded so hard I couldn’t hear anything else. I forgot where we were, who we were. I forgot if my feet were on the ground. I felt nothing but his lips eager against mine and his fingers through my hair, against the nape of my neck. He released my wrist. Slid his hand up my arm, pushing at my sleeve. He pulled me closer, his back against the doorframe, supporting both of us.
I had to pause for breath, and in that beat of space, Ryan managed to say, “What about Addie?”
“Gone,” I said. “Devon?”
He laughed softly in the back of his throat. “Gone.”
So I kissed him again. Because I wanted to. And I could. The giddiness was back, stronger. I laughed, and Ryan eased away, looking down at me.
“What?” He was smiling.
But so many weeks of waiting, of wanting, of thinking and hoping and daydreaming were catching up to me. Then he was laughing, too, shaking his head, the edge of his hand pressing against his forehead. A woman coming down the hallway gave us a nonplussed look, which only set us off harder.
I loved this. Laughing. Smiling. Kissing Ryan.
In that moment, I believed if I could spend the rest of my life laughing, smiling, and kissing Ryan, things would be just fine.
Addie slipped back into consciousness just in time to feel me slide to the ground, laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
TWELVE
I was standing with Nina in the kitchen that night, both of us staring into the refrigerator, when
But when I least expected it, I’d feel that lurch that meant she’d gone. The sudden emptiness, like a part of the world had dropped away. And it would stay like that.
The third time it happened, I sat very still, as I had both times before. Again, I was hyperaware of everything. Every breath. The brush of our clothes on our skin. A wisp of hair against our cheek.
I wrinkled our nose. My nose, for the moment.
The last few practices had lowered my hopes for this one, and Addie’s sudden success left me blindsided.
Suddenly, I had the uncontrollable itch to move. I couldn’t sit here another second—I jumped to my feet. Paced the room. The bedroom door was shut, as usual. The faint noise of Nina’s television program filtered in; she never turned it up very loud.
I stared at the door.
I crossed over, twisted the doorknob, and swung the door open. I’d never left our bedroom before—not alone in my skin.
Nina sat curled up on the couch, picking at the bowl of chocolate candies Emalia left on the coffee table. A small pile of bright foil wrappers lay at her feet. She glanced up as I passed, giving me a quick smile. I smiled back. She turned back to her TV show. No questions. No comment. No suspicions.
No idea. She had no idea.
Why should she?
The thought made me a little sick with the wrongness of it. Here I was, without Addie, and no one
knew
. How could no one know? How could it not be stamped on my forehead? Shining from my eyes?
I had the sudden urge to eat one of Emalia’s chocolates. See if it still tasted the same with Addie gone. Was sugar as sweet? Sweeter? But I made myself continue onward, toward the front door. With every step, a new feeling started to overwhelm the initial
wrongness
, the initial sickness in my stomach. A new, dizzy, giddy feeling—like being on the crest of a wave, staring at the fast-approaching shore. It swept me out into the hall, made me run up the stairs so fast I stumbled.
I pounded on Henri’s door. It swung open. I didn’t react fast enough. Ryan caught my wrist before I accidentally hit him in the chest.
“Eva?” he said.
I reached up and kissed him. Crushed my mouth to his. I pulled my wrist toward me and his hand with it. He threw out his other hand to steady himself on the doorframe. My heart pounded so hard I couldn’t hear anything else. I forgot where we were, who we were. I forgot if my feet were on the ground. I felt nothing but his lips eager against mine and his fingers through my hair, against the nape of my neck. He released my wrist. Slid his hand up my arm, pushing at my sleeve. He pulled me closer, his back against the doorframe, supporting both of us.
I had to pause for breath, and in that beat of space, Ryan managed to say, “What about Addie?”
“Gone,” I said. “Devon?”
He laughed softly in the back of his throat. “Gone.”
So I kissed him again. Because I wanted to. And I could. The giddiness was back, stronger. I laughed, and Ryan eased away, looking down at me.
“What?” He was smiling.
But so many weeks of waiting, of wanting, of thinking and hoping and daydreaming were catching up to me. Then he was laughing, too, shaking his head, the edge of his hand pressing against his forehead. A woman coming down the hallway gave us a nonplussed look, which only set us off harder.
I loved this. Laughing. Smiling. Kissing Ryan.
In that moment, I believed if I could spend the rest of my life laughing, smiling, and kissing Ryan, things would be just fine.
Addie slipped back into consciousness just in time to feel me slide to the ground, laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
TWELVE
I was standing with Nina in the kitchen that night, both of us staring into the refrigerator, when
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