It’s starting to go real well.”
“Let’s get down to the important stuff,” Trace said. “Is it getting you out of the house?”
“Yes. Every blessed day,” Sarge said.
“Praise be God.”
“So what’s wrong?” Trace’s father asked again.
“I really resent it when people think there’s got to be something wrong when I call them,” Trace said.
“When you start resenting things, I know something’s wrong. Besides, you sound like death warmed over.”
“I’ve been drinking too much,” Trace said.
“Why?” Sarge asked.
“I need ten thousand dollars,” Trace said.
“A sex-change operation? At your age?”
“Not until I get this one down right first,” Trace said. “You got ten thousand dollars?”
“No,” Sarge said. “Every penny I had is in the new agency. You know how much office chairs cost?”
“For Christ’s sakes, Sarge. You didn’t have to go wasting your money on chairs and stuff. Didn’t you ever learn the joy of being frugal?”
“The last time you were here, you told me my office looked like a locker room,” Sarge said.
“I said it smelled like a locker room. A seventy-nine-cent can of air freshener would have done just as good as new chairs. And anyway, you don’t have to take everything to heart. If you spend all your money everytime somebody complains, what are you going to have left for a rainy day?”
“Hopes for sunny and clearing,” Sarge said. “Listen, I don’t have the ten, but I can get it.”
“From the sharks?” Trace asked.
“Of course, from the sharks. Where else would I get ten thousand dollars?”
“Pop, if I wanted to go to the loan sharks, I’d go myself,” Trace said. “I don’t need you to go for me.”
“Then why don’t you go and get the ten thousand from the sharks?”
“’Cause I can’t pay it back,” Trace said.
“Well, I’ve got to admit it,” Sarge said. “That’s a new wrinkle in borrowing. It might make it a little tough for you at first, until people catch on to your new system.”
“You’re not being helpful,” Trace said. “I’ll be able to pay it back eventually. Just not right away. And not on any schedule.”
“Look,” Sarge said. “I could get it from the sharks and I could pay it back. Then when you get it, you can pay me back.”
“Naaah, I don’t like dealing with middlemen. You think Mother’s got ten thousand?”
“Probably, but she wouldn’t lend it to you,” Sarge said.
“Why not? I’m her son.”
“She doesn’t trust you,” Sarge said.
“I said I’m her son, I didn’t say I was trustworthy. What has trust got to do with anything?”
“Got me,” Sarge said. “She wouldn’t lend me anything to start this business, I don’t think she’ll lend you money for a sex-change operation.”
“I’d bet she’d lend it to one of those idiotic cousins I’ve got,” Trace said.
“What cousin?”
“I don’t know. Try Bruce. They’re all named Bruce.”
“I imagine she’d lend it to Bruce,” Sarge said.
“Why would she lend it to a nephew and not to me?” Trace demanded.
“It hasn’t got anything to do with you, except that she doesn’t really like you. Ever since you got divorced.”
“That’s why she doesn’t like me?”
“Don’t feel bad. She doesn’t like anybody. She doesn’t like Cousin Bruce either.”
“But she’d lend him the money,” Trace said.
“Not because of him. It’d just be to show her relatives that she can afford to lend somebody ten thousand dollars. Your mother is a very prideful woman.”
“If she lends it to me, I’ll promise her that I’ll tell all the relatives. I’ll send them telegrams and Mass cards.”
“Hold the Mass cards,” Sarge said. “All the relatives are Jewish.”
“All right, scrap the Mass cards. You think it’ll work?”
“No. She still won’t lend it to you.”
“I shouldn’t even ask?” Trace said. “What can she do except refuse?”
“You underestimate your mother.
“Let’s get down to the important stuff,” Trace said. “Is it getting you out of the house?”
“Yes. Every blessed day,” Sarge said.
“Praise be God.”
“So what’s wrong?” Trace’s father asked again.
“I really resent it when people think there’s got to be something wrong when I call them,” Trace said.
“When you start resenting things, I know something’s wrong. Besides, you sound like death warmed over.”
“I’ve been drinking too much,” Trace said.
“Why?” Sarge asked.
“I need ten thousand dollars,” Trace said.
“A sex-change operation? At your age?”
“Not until I get this one down right first,” Trace said. “You got ten thousand dollars?”
“No,” Sarge said. “Every penny I had is in the new agency. You know how much office chairs cost?”
“For Christ’s sakes, Sarge. You didn’t have to go wasting your money on chairs and stuff. Didn’t you ever learn the joy of being frugal?”
“The last time you were here, you told me my office looked like a locker room,” Sarge said.
“I said it smelled like a locker room. A seventy-nine-cent can of air freshener would have done just as good as new chairs. And anyway, you don’t have to take everything to heart. If you spend all your money everytime somebody complains, what are you going to have left for a rainy day?”
“Hopes for sunny and clearing,” Sarge said. “Listen, I don’t have the ten, but I can get it.”
“From the sharks?” Trace asked.
“Of course, from the sharks. Where else would I get ten thousand dollars?”
“Pop, if I wanted to go to the loan sharks, I’d go myself,” Trace said. “I don’t need you to go for me.”
“Then why don’t you go and get the ten thousand from the sharks?”
“’Cause I can’t pay it back,” Trace said.
“Well, I’ve got to admit it,” Sarge said. “That’s a new wrinkle in borrowing. It might make it a little tough for you at first, until people catch on to your new system.”
“You’re not being helpful,” Trace said. “I’ll be able to pay it back eventually. Just not right away. And not on any schedule.”
“Look,” Sarge said. “I could get it from the sharks and I could pay it back. Then when you get it, you can pay me back.”
“Naaah, I don’t like dealing with middlemen. You think Mother’s got ten thousand?”
“Probably, but she wouldn’t lend it to you,” Sarge said.
“Why not? I’m her son.”
“She doesn’t trust you,” Sarge said.
“I said I’m her son, I didn’t say I was trustworthy. What has trust got to do with anything?”
“Got me,” Sarge said. “She wouldn’t lend me anything to start this business, I don’t think she’ll lend you money for a sex-change operation.”
“I’d bet she’d lend it to one of those idiotic cousins I’ve got,” Trace said.
“What cousin?”
“I don’t know. Try Bruce. They’re all named Bruce.”
“I imagine she’d lend it to Bruce,” Sarge said.
“Why would she lend it to a nephew and not to me?” Trace demanded.
“It hasn’t got anything to do with you, except that she doesn’t really like you. Ever since you got divorced.”
“That’s why she doesn’t like me?”
“Don’t feel bad. She doesn’t like anybody. She doesn’t like Cousin Bruce either.”
“But she’d lend him the money,” Trace said.
“Not because of him. It’d just be to show her relatives that she can afford to lend somebody ten thousand dollars. Your mother is a very prideful woman.”
“If she lends it to me, I’ll promise her that I’ll tell all the relatives. I’ll send them telegrams and Mass cards.”
“Hold the Mass cards,” Sarge said. “All the relatives are Jewish.”
“All right, scrap the Mass cards. You think it’ll work?”
“No. She still won’t lend it to you.”
“I shouldn’t even ask?” Trace said. “What can she do except refuse?”
“You underestimate your mother.
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