the deep end
(d) dunk other kids unexpectedly when the teacher isnât looking so they get that raw, bleachy-burny feeling in their nose, mouth and throat
(e) dive deep and pretend to be the shark, targeting the scared kidsâ legs
8) Youâre the teacher in the gym class above. You:
(a) pretend that the swimming unit is actually going to be fun for more than, say, three strong swimmers
(b) enforce the pre-swim shower rule, then keep kids shivering and blue-lipped on the side of the pool while you explain obvious safety measures for half an hour
(c) let the lifeguards look out for potential drowners while you text your boyfriend
(d) make everyone do endless lung-inflaming lengths
(e) make everyone go off the high diving board (even those kids who might be afraid of heights or depths or sharks)
9) Youâre a kid at recess. When the bell rings, you:
(a) return promptly to the school and change into your indoor shoes so as not to muddy the schoolâs floors
(b) return promptly to the school, smearing muddy streaks all the way to your classroom
(c) steal the ball the other kids were playing with and run into the school
(d) stash the ball in your backpack before they can find it
(e) when the other kids tell on you, lie to the teacher and then the principal about what happened and accuse the other kids of bullying you
10) Itâs picture day at your school. You:
(a) smile nicely for both your personal picture and the class picture
(b) mess up your picture so you can miss class again when the retakes come around
(c) smile nicely for your picture and then make loud rude noises so that the kids getting photographed after you jump and look alarmed in their pictures
(d) smile nicely for your picture, then open your mouth hideously for the class picture
(e) smile nicely for your picture, then make rabbit ears on the two kids beside you in the class pictures so that they look back years later and think, âWhat a jerkâ
You Be the Jerk! Scoring Key
Hereâs the cool part about this testâyou grade yourself! Or not, because itâs just for fun. Sweet, I know.
This is how it works, for all you try-hard keeners whoâll actually take the time to do it. You may already have guessed that the answers in the quiz generally go from being normal (a) to being a complete jerk (e). We give each letter a number rating (see the chart at right)âthe higher the number, the bigger the jerk. If you selected more than one answer to a question, add âem up (which will pretty much guarantee complete jerk numbers).
CHAPTER 14
Drawing Some Conclusions
(and a Cool Pie Chart)
It is important, apparently, to have a concluding paragraph at the end of any project. Even though you might be sick of the topic and have said everything that can possibly be said about it, teachers love the concluding paragraph. They tend to dock marks if you donât write and write and write a decent-sized, multi-sentenced concluding paragraph. They like the wrapping-it-up, making-it-all-sound-sort-of-finished aspect of conclusions. This is, apparently, why concluding paragraphs are seen as important for essays, reports and projects.
But instead of lamely and boringly recapping the entire project, cutting and pasting all the conclusions I made during the other chapters and summarizing the massive amount of research Iâve done, I think Iâll do something different.
Even though Iâve already written two concluding paragraphs (see above), I still have one last scientific diagram that is very, very conclusive.
Scientific Illustration #9: The Very Last One:
The Elements of Jerkish Behavior
We have seen in this project many different examples of jerkish
behavior. But though the behavior of jerks is as varied as that
of non-jerkish people, jerks have several things in common. My
research has revealed certain elements that are common to
almost all observable jerkish behavior:
Can you end a project on a pie
(d) dunk other kids unexpectedly when the teacher isnât looking so they get that raw, bleachy-burny feeling in their nose, mouth and throat
(e) dive deep and pretend to be the shark, targeting the scared kidsâ legs
8) Youâre the teacher in the gym class above. You:
(a) pretend that the swimming unit is actually going to be fun for more than, say, three strong swimmers
(b) enforce the pre-swim shower rule, then keep kids shivering and blue-lipped on the side of the pool while you explain obvious safety measures for half an hour
(c) let the lifeguards look out for potential drowners while you text your boyfriend
(d) make everyone do endless lung-inflaming lengths
(e) make everyone go off the high diving board (even those kids who might be afraid of heights or depths or sharks)
9) Youâre a kid at recess. When the bell rings, you:
(a) return promptly to the school and change into your indoor shoes so as not to muddy the schoolâs floors
(b) return promptly to the school, smearing muddy streaks all the way to your classroom
(c) steal the ball the other kids were playing with and run into the school
(d) stash the ball in your backpack before they can find it
(e) when the other kids tell on you, lie to the teacher and then the principal about what happened and accuse the other kids of bullying you
10) Itâs picture day at your school. You:
(a) smile nicely for both your personal picture and the class picture
(b) mess up your picture so you can miss class again when the retakes come around
(c) smile nicely for your picture and then make loud rude noises so that the kids getting photographed after you jump and look alarmed in their pictures
(d) smile nicely for your picture, then open your mouth hideously for the class picture
(e) smile nicely for your picture, then make rabbit ears on the two kids beside you in the class pictures so that they look back years later and think, âWhat a jerkâ
You Be the Jerk! Scoring Key
Hereâs the cool part about this testâyou grade yourself! Or not, because itâs just for fun. Sweet, I know.
This is how it works, for all you try-hard keeners whoâll actually take the time to do it. You may already have guessed that the answers in the quiz generally go from being normal (a) to being a complete jerk (e). We give each letter a number rating (see the chart at right)âthe higher the number, the bigger the jerk. If you selected more than one answer to a question, add âem up (which will pretty much guarantee complete jerk numbers).
CHAPTER 14
Drawing Some Conclusions
(and a Cool Pie Chart)
It is important, apparently, to have a concluding paragraph at the end of any project. Even though you might be sick of the topic and have said everything that can possibly be said about it, teachers love the concluding paragraph. They tend to dock marks if you donât write and write and write a decent-sized, multi-sentenced concluding paragraph. They like the wrapping-it-up, making-it-all-sound-sort-of-finished aspect of conclusions. This is, apparently, why concluding paragraphs are seen as important for essays, reports and projects.
But instead of lamely and boringly recapping the entire project, cutting and pasting all the conclusions I made during the other chapters and summarizing the massive amount of research Iâve done, I think Iâll do something different.
Even though Iâve already written two concluding paragraphs (see above), I still have one last scientific diagram that is very, very conclusive.
Scientific Illustration #9: The Very Last One:
The Elements of Jerkish Behavior
We have seen in this project many different examples of jerkish
behavior. But though the behavior of jerks is as varied as that
of non-jerkish people, jerks have several things in common. My
research has revealed certain elements that are common to
almost all observable jerkish behavior:
Can you end a project on a pie
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