heart and a desire to meet Him every day.
And an alarm clock to get me
up in plenty of time to meet with the Lover of my soul. Thank You, Jesus.
That morning, I thought God
was reviving our spiritual intimacy because I had been working too much,
because I was tired all the time, or maybe even because He was tired of seeing
those unfolded clothes on the couch.
But, really, there was much
more at stake than I could have imagined.
Chapter 11
The next morning, I could
hardly wait to get into the prayer closet and be alone with God. I had located
my own Bible under the driver’s seat of my car, told God I was sorry for losing
track of it in the first place, and received His grace to pick up where we’d
left off.
Being reminded of His love,
His mercy, His teachings gave me a sharper spirit throughout the day. Aside
from an ear to hear, my heart yielded easier to His nudges.
By Wednesday, I set the
alarm fifteen minutes earlier, and I even wound down in the prayer closet after
we got home from mid-week service. I’d listened to Pastor Toole’s sermon and
amen’d right along with the rest of the congregation, but I wanted to get back
home and discuss the meaning of absolute surrender with the Author of the
concept, personally. His text, 1 Kings 20, was Ahab’s declaration, “My lord, O
king, according to thy saying, I am thine and all that I have.”
Yes, I had quit my job. Yes,
I had (begrudgingly) been submissive to my husband and even my best friend’s
words confirmed what I had already been feeling. I had all the outward signs of
obedience to the Lord, but deep down inside, my heart still hadn’t come along
for the ride. And when I admitted that to myself, I heard Him whisper in me: I
want all of you.
All of me? I thought I’d
already given Him all of me. I mean, I did believe on Christ as my Savior. I
did know Him and seek to walk in His ways. What else did He want from me?
All of you repeated in my spirit.
I knew there was no sense in
arguing with God. Not likely He was going to change His mind. He wanted all of
me—even that little rebellious part that wanted its own way, couldn’t
stand to be taken advantage of, and always tried to make things easy for
myself.
But what was He going to do
with it? Kill it? What would I be without my defenses? I didn’t want to be one
of those weak people who let people run over her. Always praying, always
hoping. Helping everybody else and then one day I’d wake up and realize I’d
spent my whole life doing what other people wanted me to do.
I wanted to do me. LaShondra.
Not other people. Me. rose inside my mind.
His thoughts baffled me. Sent
me back to the drawing board. “You, God?” I had to ask myself if it would be
any easier to follow God’s will than my husband’s. Really, would my feelings
change if I knew the plan was coming directly from God? Would that have made me
receive this change with joy?
Probably not.
With that revelation, my eyes
rendered tears of grief and repentance. “I’m sorry, Lord.” Lord. Why was
I calling Him that name if He really didn’t have that place in my life?
“Jesus, I crown You Lord.
Even if it means my worst fears come true, be the Lord of my life.”
My back bolted straight up.
Those sentences didn’t even sound right. What would make me think that
receiving Jesus as Savior and Lord would make my life worse off?
I flopped onto the bed and
grabbed my journal. I made a list of all the bad things that I thought could
happen to me if I actually surrendered all to Jesus, like Pastor Toole had
preached.
Surrender Cons
1. I might have to go to some faraway place
to be a missionary.
2. I would be poor and suffering.
3. I would lose all common sense.
4. I would be weak and whiney (God, you know
I can’t stand weak, whiney people).
5. I would be all “holier-than-thou”, so
heavenly minded I was no earthly good. Can’t relate to real life.
6. I
And an alarm clock to get me
up in plenty of time to meet with the Lover of my soul. Thank You, Jesus.
That morning, I thought God
was reviving our spiritual intimacy because I had been working too much,
because I was tired all the time, or maybe even because He was tired of seeing
those unfolded clothes on the couch.
But, really, there was much
more at stake than I could have imagined.
Chapter 11
The next morning, I could
hardly wait to get into the prayer closet and be alone with God. I had located
my own Bible under the driver’s seat of my car, told God I was sorry for losing
track of it in the first place, and received His grace to pick up where we’d
left off.
Being reminded of His love,
His mercy, His teachings gave me a sharper spirit throughout the day. Aside
from an ear to hear, my heart yielded easier to His nudges.
By Wednesday, I set the
alarm fifteen minutes earlier, and I even wound down in the prayer closet after
we got home from mid-week service. I’d listened to Pastor Toole’s sermon and
amen’d right along with the rest of the congregation, but I wanted to get back
home and discuss the meaning of absolute surrender with the Author of the
concept, personally. His text, 1 Kings 20, was Ahab’s declaration, “My lord, O
king, according to thy saying, I am thine and all that I have.”
Yes, I had quit my job. Yes,
I had (begrudgingly) been submissive to my husband and even my best friend’s
words confirmed what I had already been feeling. I had all the outward signs of
obedience to the Lord, but deep down inside, my heart still hadn’t come along
for the ride. And when I admitted that to myself, I heard Him whisper in me: I
want all of you.
All of me? I thought I’d
already given Him all of me. I mean, I did believe on Christ as my Savior. I
did know Him and seek to walk in His ways. What else did He want from me?
All of you repeated in my spirit.
I knew there was no sense in
arguing with God. Not likely He was going to change His mind. He wanted all of
me—even that little rebellious part that wanted its own way, couldn’t
stand to be taken advantage of, and always tried to make things easy for
myself.
But what was He going to do
with it? Kill it? What would I be without my defenses? I didn’t want to be one
of those weak people who let people run over her. Always praying, always
hoping. Helping everybody else and then one day I’d wake up and realize I’d
spent my whole life doing what other people wanted me to do.
I wanted to do me. LaShondra.
Not other people. Me. rose inside my mind.
His thoughts baffled me. Sent
me back to the drawing board. “You, God?” I had to ask myself if it would be
any easier to follow God’s will than my husband’s. Really, would my feelings
change if I knew the plan was coming directly from God? Would that have made me
receive this change with joy?
Probably not.
With that revelation, my eyes
rendered tears of grief and repentance. “I’m sorry, Lord.” Lord. Why was
I calling Him that name if He really didn’t have that place in my life?
“Jesus, I crown You Lord.
Even if it means my worst fears come true, be the Lord of my life.”
My back bolted straight up.
Those sentences didn’t even sound right. What would make me think that
receiving Jesus as Savior and Lord would make my life worse off?
I flopped onto the bed and
grabbed my journal. I made a list of all the bad things that I thought could
happen to me if I actually surrendered all to Jesus, like Pastor Toole had
preached.
Surrender Cons
1. I might have to go to some faraway place
to be a missionary.
2. I would be poor and suffering.
3. I would lose all common sense.
4. I would be weak and whiney (God, you know
I can’t stand weak, whiney people).
5. I would be all “holier-than-thou”, so
heavenly minded I was no earthly good. Can’t relate to real life.
6. I
Similar Books
