No Such Thing as Perfect by Sarah Daltry Page B

things happen. In the same sudden spark that makes you fall in love, you find yourself out of it. What a quiet, rainy summer day created suddenly explodes in a question that digs all the way through me.

24.
    “T hat’s stupid,” Derek said.
    “Okay, we don’t have to. It was just an idea.”
    It was his Spring Break and the snow had melted. He was supposed to come over as soon as he got home, but it was Monday and he’d been busy and I’d missed him. When he’d asked what I wanted to do, I thought about us and our beginnings and I’d suggested driving up to New Hampshire, to the campground where I fell in love with him, but he was right. It was stupid. The ground was still frozen and the air retained its chill even though the sun was blooming. It was a long ride to sit on icy soil, but after a few months, we still didn’t have anything that was ours – except that one afternoon.
    “Gas is crazy expensive.”
    “It’s fine,” I agreed. “You’re right.”
    “And it’s cold as fuck outside.”
    “I know. I agree. Like I said, it was just an idea.”
    “Look, Lily, it’s an okay idea in theory and I appreciate the thought, but let’s be honest that it’s dumb. Some dirt and trees aren’t why I love you and we don’t need to make things complicated and inconvenient and stupid to prove a point.”
    I nodded, but it was hard not to cry. He was right, sure, but he didn’t need to call it stupid.
    We ended up going to a movie. I couldn’t focus on it. It was something about a spy and a missing bomb or something. Derek had picked it. It didn’t matter. I sat in the dark theatre and for two hours, I merely tried to keep in the tears.
    Since I’d slept with him, we were a couple, but I’d spent more nights crying and lonely than I had in the years before. Maybe it was just the disappointment of expectation, waiting for him to call only for him to send me a text after 11 telling me he was too busy to chat and he’d call the next day.
    He sat in the movie, shoving popcorn into his mouth and ignoring me completely unless he needed me to hand him the soda, and never thought about what he’d said. He said it, we didn’t discuss it, and it had passed. I knew that if I brought it up, he would tell me to stop being difficult, that it wasn’t a big deal, that I needed to stop holding a grudge. He always said things like that when he was careless with his words. And they were only words after all.
    “Are you parents home?” Derek asked after the movie was over. I think the spy had found the bomb. I knew he’d met some girl spy and they’d had a lot of sex, and then someone drove a car off a bridge, but I didn’t remember the bomb.
    I looked at my watch. It was only 2:30 and they wouldn’t be home until at least six. I shook my head. “Not for a while.”
    “What about Jon? He had said he was doing something today?”
    “No, there’s no one home.”
    He smiled and kissed the top of my head. “So I’m coming over?”
    Although he asked it like a question, I knew that it was a decree. “I guess.”
    “What’s wrong?” He was irritated and he couldn’t hide it. He crushed the cup of soda in his hand and crumbled the popcorn bag. I followed him as he stomped heavily down the cinema stairs into the hallway. When we got to the car, he turned around and looked at me finally. I had to run to catch up.
    “Why do you always make things complicated?” he asked. “You always make a big deal out of dumb things like a campsite and then the whole day is ruined. Why can’t you just be fun? I want a fun girlfriend.”
    “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to. You can come over.” I wanted to tell him that sometimes I wanted more from our relationship. Sometimes I thought a boyfriend would talk to you, would express interest in you as a person. But I knew it was because of me. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t fun. I didn’t know how to be a girlfriend, because I tried so hard and although he said he loved