No! I Don’t Need Reading Glasses! by Virginia Ironside Page B

the operation, if I had it, I would look even more wonderful. Naturally I liked her immediately after that, despite her total ignorance about the points of the compass.
    She sat me down, took notes, and told me it was the Year of the Tiger and that the Chinese spring started the following day and it was a very auspicious time to have a facelift and that June was the wellspring of energy, vitality and rebirth. Or something.
    â€˜I know you don’t believe me,’ she said, ‘but this is going to be a great year for you! Now, let’s get going with those needles!’
    She was quite right, I didn’t believe her, but it was still nice to be told something jolly and optimistic, and by such a very charming person.
    Vishna led me into a small room with a massage table. I heard the whining, groaning sound of whale music which I instantly asked her to turn off. There is nothing more unrelaxing, in my experience, than the moaning sound of whales in the background. And what are they saying to eachother, anyway? ‘Get some more plankton while you’re out, dear.’ ‘Watch out for harpoons!’ Suddenly remembered the 1p I owe the local shop.
Must
pay it.
    She switched off the whales, turned down the lights, and got going.
    â€˜Now, this is the one to rid you of those indecisive demons!’ she declared, sticking a needle into my calf. ‘And this will get your joints moving so smoothly … now, one just here …’ (I winced as she put one in my lip) ‘That’s the one to jump-start you, it’s a very good sign that you gave a little jerk there, shows you’re springing to life …’
    Once she’d finished pushing pins into me – I felt like a hedgehog – she put her hands on my head and started droning, ‘Now we are into
gathering, enjoying
and
loving
… and there’s a golden liquid coming all the way from your feet to your head, and back down again, in a circle, the circle of life … and down to your toes …’ She moved to my feet … ‘Rooted in the ground, your feet are growing roots, to suck in the energy from Mother Earth, which resonates with all the planets …’ (here she rang a bell) ‘… and the vibrations will resonate with the you, the inner you, the real Marie, inside, even inside the deep inside of you, expanding like a flower petal, opening its leaves for a rebirth, and the bursting forth of all those talents you have of … of … er … of … um … art … creation … gyrating … and pushing forth green shoots in the very camaraderie of all the spirits …’ I could hardly keep a straight face. Then she started rubbing various brass bowls that made the mostfrightful whining noises and before I knew where I was it was all over and she charged me sixty quid.
    Admittedly, I felt pretty relaxed after it all, but thought, to be quite frank, that I could have done it all myself just by slipping into bed and lying there and staring at the ceiling.
    Still, I did feel more positive about having a facelift.
13 April
    James is finally coming over this afternoon to install Skype, now the Broadband is sorted. I’ve now discovered
exactly
what this modern wonder is. It’s amazing that you can stick a mini-camera you on your computer and then you can speak to another person for free on the other side of the world, and you can see them and they can see you. All sounds rather exciting to me. Though I think I’ll need a stiff drink before it’s installed. Whenever anyone comes and fiddles with my computer I get so anxious I’ve been known to burst into tears, even when they’re putting in some simple antivirus program. I’m always so scared the whole thing will blow up, or that all my computer stuff will just dissolve, leaving me with a blank screen and the words ‘Ha! Ha! V-worm strikes again’ – or whatever viruses are