Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) by Michelle Sutton Page B

“Let’s open with a word of prayer.”
    I bowed my head, but didn ’t close my eyes. I peeked over at James, who captured my gaze with a hopeful look. He really wanted to work on our marriage. I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t giving up hope.
    “ Amen.”
    I rubbed my eyes. I hadn ’t heard the prayer, but I’m sure it was appropriate. Deciding to play it cool, I waited for someone to speak.
    “ Hope.” James reached for my hand. “I love you more than life itself. You know that? I don’t ever want to lose you.”
    I pinched my eyes shut, trying my best to hold in the pain. Now would not be a good time to confess all my sins. I’d never be able to face the pastor or any of my friends again. So I nodded and kept my head down.
    “ Listen to me, Hope. I’ve been a jerk. You shouldn’t have to put up with me, but you do. I just want you to know that there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. I’ve just been angry with myself. I want to please you, but…”
    His voice trailed off and I could tell he was trying to maintain his composure.
    “But what?” I asked, eyes wide.
    Tell me you ’ll love me even if I had an affair. Tell me, James.
    “ I wonder if I can.”
    Huh? “What do you mean, you wonder if you can?”
    “ Well, the more I gave you, the more you wanted. It was never enough.”
    My defenses went up. Just a little. Okay, more than a little.
    “Maybe I’m hurting right now, and when I feel that way I just need more love. I don’t know why you’d think I wanted to have sex every night. I just want some affection, some attention. I need to know you love me and when you won’t touch me or kiss me, it really hurts…” Sobbing, I covered my face with my hand. There, at least I’d gotten it out.
    Our pastor interjected. “James, when your wife doesn’t have a smile on her face you need to find out why. A happy wife glows, and if she’s hurt or angry, it’s your job to find out why and make amends. The Bible commands the husband to love his wife and not deny her. The Scriptures do not command a wife to love her husband. She is to respect him. But love and respect go hand in hand. If you don’t show her that you love her, then she won’t respect you. It’s that simple. Like Christ, you must be the initiator of that love. Do you hear what I’m saying?”
    Even if James wasn ’t hearing him, I sure heard every word. But what about me? How is sleeping with another man on the side showing respect to my husband?
    I knew the answer. It wasn ’t.
    In fact, nothing could hurt a man more than knowing that someone else had slept with his wife. Nothing.
    The light of hope inside me flickered out.

 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Chapter 9
     
    Depression pressed heavily on me, like a weighted vest. My days blended together as I waited for Tony to call, and yet at the same time I wished he would move on and leave me alone. The temptation to sin grew smaller with each passing day.
    When Sunday finally arrived, I still had not heard from Tony. I had to conclude that maybe he ’d meant it when he’d said that our last encounter would be the end of our relationship. Even though he didn’t want that when he kissed me goodbye.
    He ’d said, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
    That was several days ago. So why didn’t I feel relieved? Instead, a gaping hole existed in my chest and it sucked all joy from my life.
    My  husband rose and stood at the end of the aisle as the ushers collected the offering for the service. I wondered if any of the ladies in my Bible study suspected James and I were having problems. My husband was an attractive man, even with his hair thinning on top. He exuded virility.
    But looks could be deceptive.
    James still hadn ’t tried to make love to me. Not really. Oh, we’d had a bit of an encounter Wednesday night after counseling with our pastor at church, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I wanted him inside me, and that just