the arrangement, but there was a huge catch. Even though we could talk and hang out as much as we wanted, Leah wasn’t allowed to be present during those times. The idea was they wanted to protect her from the problems between her parents. But what happened was it made it so that the only time the three of us could be together was the few minutes during pick-ups and drop-offs.
Even when things did go as well as possible, it was heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. When I’d take Leah back to her father after spending time with her, there would be a few moments where she was so happy to see her dad. Then she’d realize I was leaving and she’d just fall apart. There’s no way to explain to a child that young why one of her parents was always walking out the door when she came around. When I had to kiss her goodbye and she was on the floor crying and screaming that she needed me, begging me to just wait, not to go, it was the most horrible feeling in the world. No matter what anybody thinks of me as a mom, then and now, Leah and I have always had a deep bond, and that ripped my heart out. I couldn’t explain to my daughter why I kept leaving her, why I couldn’t be with her. I don’t think any mom can go through that and not be affected in the worst way.
Meanwhile depression and anxiety were pulling me down, and I was having a hard time finding happiness in anything. I agreed to work on anger management while the investigation was going on, and I was on a lot of medication to deal with my anxiety attacks and depression. But nothing was making me feel better. I felt like a complete failure, and everybody was telling me I was. Strangers were calling me worthless and saying I didn’t deserve to be a mom. People were saying I should kill myself.
It was almost like I started living up to what they were saying without even thinking about it, and at one point I did try once again to take my own life. It was right after I was found guilty of the battery charges and right before I headed to rehab. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
In fact, let me stop for a minute and talk about the whens and wheres of my story. This might come as a shock, but being on a bunch of opiates isn’t all that great for your memory. Even though I was technically present and aware at the time, when I try to look back now I find a lot of the details missing. What happened, and when, and in what order—damned if I know sometimes. That’s just one more problem with doing drugs. You can’t remember whether you did some awful thing or another before or after you went to rehab, or how many days or weeks or months went by in between. Things get all fucked up and blurry. Looking back, a lot of times I have to take somebody else’s word for it on how things went down.
But I can tell you that the day I signed over custody rights to Leah’s father was the day I completely broke. I felt like such a failure. People might have seen me talking about it on camera and they could see I wasn’t happy at all. But on the inside it was so much worse than that. It was like getting sucked into a whirlpool. Everything that happened around that time is a complete jumble, because after I lost Leah I literally went insane.
That was the one thing that had been kind of holding me together. I know it’s not fair to put this on a kid, but at the time, Leah was the only thing that was keeping me decent. I don’t give a shit what everybody had to say about it at the time, about my parenting skills or what they saw of my relationship with my daughter. I loved her with all my heart. When I agreed to sign over custody to Leah’s dad, I was trying to do the best thing for her by getting CPS off our backs and making it easier for us to spend time with her together. But it doesn’t matter what the circumstances are when it comes to how you feel about giving up parental rights to your child. It was the hardest thing to do in the entire world. Even though I believed him
Even when things did go as well as possible, it was heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. When I’d take Leah back to her father after spending time with her, there would be a few moments where she was so happy to see her dad. Then she’d realize I was leaving and she’d just fall apart. There’s no way to explain to a child that young why one of her parents was always walking out the door when she came around. When I had to kiss her goodbye and she was on the floor crying and screaming that she needed me, begging me to just wait, not to go, it was the most horrible feeling in the world. No matter what anybody thinks of me as a mom, then and now, Leah and I have always had a deep bond, and that ripped my heart out. I couldn’t explain to my daughter why I kept leaving her, why I couldn’t be with her. I don’t think any mom can go through that and not be affected in the worst way.
Meanwhile depression and anxiety were pulling me down, and I was having a hard time finding happiness in anything. I agreed to work on anger management while the investigation was going on, and I was on a lot of medication to deal with my anxiety attacks and depression. But nothing was making me feel better. I felt like a complete failure, and everybody was telling me I was. Strangers were calling me worthless and saying I didn’t deserve to be a mom. People were saying I should kill myself.
It was almost like I started living up to what they were saying without even thinking about it, and at one point I did try once again to take my own life. It was right after I was found guilty of the battery charges and right before I headed to rehab. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
In fact, let me stop for a minute and talk about the whens and wheres of my story. This might come as a shock, but being on a bunch of opiates isn’t all that great for your memory. Even though I was technically present and aware at the time, when I try to look back now I find a lot of the details missing. What happened, and when, and in what order—damned if I know sometimes. That’s just one more problem with doing drugs. You can’t remember whether you did some awful thing or another before or after you went to rehab, or how many days or weeks or months went by in between. Things get all fucked up and blurry. Looking back, a lot of times I have to take somebody else’s word for it on how things went down.
But I can tell you that the day I signed over custody rights to Leah’s father was the day I completely broke. I felt like such a failure. People might have seen me talking about it on camera and they could see I wasn’t happy at all. But on the inside it was so much worse than that. It was like getting sucked into a whirlpool. Everything that happened around that time is a complete jumble, because after I lost Leah I literally went insane.
That was the one thing that had been kind of holding me together. I know it’s not fair to put this on a kid, but at the time, Leah was the only thing that was keeping me decent. I don’t give a shit what everybody had to say about it at the time, about my parenting skills or what they saw of my relationship with my daughter. I loved her with all my heart. When I agreed to sign over custody to Leah’s dad, I was trying to do the best thing for her by getting CPS off our backs and making it easier for us to spend time with her together. But it doesn’t matter what the circumstances are when it comes to how you feel about giving up parental rights to your child. It was the hardest thing to do in the entire world. Even though I believed him
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