My Former Self by C. T. Musca Page B

appear too anxious, but it’s my dad’s sister, Emma, wanting to speak to Mom. I’m irritated that she stays on for almost a whole hour. I pick up two times, trying to subtly send the message that I need it. The second time I pick up, she orders me to stay off the phone. I guess I wasn’t so subtle.

    When we get to the party, I meet up with Shane. He said he had tried to call me but the line was busy; I knew it. Shane gives me one of his beers but I find it difficult to drink. I sip it for nearly an hour, which has made it warm and even more unappealing. I am relieved when Susan arrives, and tells us that she’s brought some peach schnapps. Some of the people at the party are doing mushrooms and I was considering trying them before Susan got there. Amanda told me they made her laugh like crazy when she did them, but I really didn’t want to chance how they’d make me feel—not tonight anyway.
    After a few hours, I realize that I am drunk. I have no idea how much time has passed or when we’ll haveto head home, but I don’t really care either. Shane has led me into a bedroom, which looks like a young boy’s room, probably Derek’s brother’s. It’s blue and white and has a border of sailboats on the wall. We start kissing and touching, and although my head spins when I close my eyes, I continue. He has now removed my shirt and bra and the idea that someone might come in and see me doesn’t seem to faze me. I put my hand down his pants and feel him get hard. I am not really sure what to do so I just start rubbing him. I wonder whether I’m gripping too tightly, but I am encouraged when his breathing gets heavier.
    “Should I get a condom,” he asks in a whisper.
    This question sobers me. “I don’t think so.” I pull my hand out of his pants.
    “Why not? I like you so much.”
    “I do too but I just don’t think I am ready.” As I say it I feel a twinge of panic. I can’t help but wonder if he’d break up with me if I didn’t. I quickly dismiss this unpleasant thought. “Are you okay if we wait a little while?”
    “Of course,” he reassures me. He kisses me softly on the lips but I can tell I have ruined the mood. He makes some excuse that he has to find his friend to make sure he doesn’t leave without him. He tells me again thatthings are fine and that he really likes having me as his girlfriend.
    I immediately find Amanda and pull her into the bathroom to tell her everything that just happened. She relieves me when she tells me that Shane’s best friend was telling her how much he likes me. I decide not to let this bother me anymore.
    Greg offers to drive us home even though we know he’s been drinking. I don’t want to get in trouble for being late so we accept. Amanda is staying at my place and Kaitlyn doesn’t have a curfew, since her mom is working.
    “Did you have fun?” I ask Amanda as we are lying in our beds in my room.
    “Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Did you see Dan? He was there with Mackenzie. I don’t know what he sees in her, but whatever.” I can tell she’s jealous and still has feelings for him. He started dating Mackenzie, a girl in our grade, shortly after he slept with Amanda. They’ve been together ever since, which has surprised almost everyone, including his friends. When they first started dating, Amanda was pretty upset, questioning what Mackenzie had that she didn’t. I told her that Mackenzie lacks a backbone and lets Dan do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I assumed this would make Amanda feel better, but I think she started regretting that she wasn’t more like that.
    “I don’t know either; that guy is not right in the head. You can do so much better than him, that’s for sure.”
    “I dunno. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find a good guy—like you did,” she says. She hasn’t really had a boyfriend since eighth grade, even though she could. I think she’s too picky or attracted to the wrong type of guy—or both.
    “Are you kidding? Of