Ms. Leakey Is Freaky! by Dan Gutman

1
Health Nuts
    My name is A.J. and I hate school.
    I go to Ella Mentry School. It was named after an old lady named Ella Mentry.
    Every time I tell somebody I go to Ella Mentry School, they always ask, “Which one?”
    â€œI told you,” I say. “Ella Mentry School.”
    â€œ Everybody goes to elementary school,” they always say.
    â€œNo they don’t,” I tell them.
    â€œYes they do.”
    See what I mean? If you ask me, it would have been a lot smarter if they named my school after somebody famous, like George Washington or Lady Gaga.
    My teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. It was Monday morning. Mr. Granite said we had to go to an assembly. * I sat with my friends Michael, Ryan, and Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. In front ofus sat crybaby Emily and Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair that I hate.
    After we pledged the allegiance, our principal, Mr. Klutz, climbed up on the stage. He has no hair at all. Mr. Klutz used to have hair, but it fell out. That’s what happens when guys get old. I wonder if he still has his hair in a plastic bag at home so he can look at it and remember what it was like to be young.
    Everybody was talking. So Mr. Klutz made a peace sign with his fingers, which means “Shut up!” We all stopped talking.
    â€œKids today eat too much junk food,” he told us. “Too much fat and too much sugar.And you don’t get enough exercise. That’s why I hired Ms. Leakey, our new health teacher. She would like to say a few words.”
    Ms. Leakey came bounding up on the stage like she was in a race or something. We gave her a round of applause by clapping our hands in big circles. She was holding a garbage can cover in one hand and a sword in the other hand. That was weird.
    â€œThank you,” Ms. Leakey said. “I’d like to introduce you to my best friends. I hope they’ll become your best friends too.”
    Our media specialist, Mrs. Roopy, came out from behind the curtain. Only she wasn’t dressed like a media specialist. She was wearing a big banana costume.

    Then our reading specialist, Mr. Macky, came out. He was dressed up like a giant peanut.
    Behind Mr. Macky was our schoolnurse, Mrs. Cooney. She had on a carrot costume. And all three of them were holding swords. It was a real Kodak moment.
    Suddenly, they all started singing…
    â€œVeggies are so good for you
    Nuts have lots of protein.
    Fruits are fun to peel and chew
    Someday we’ll join a pro team.
    Drink your milk every day
    Eat carrots for your eyes
    Build strong bodies every way
    And get lots of exercise!”
    While they were singing, our Spanish teacher, Miss Holly, our speech teacher,Miss Laney, and our security guard, Officer Spence, came out from behind the curtain on the other side of the stage. They were dressed up like a candy bar, a can of soda, and a donut. And they all had swords.
    â€œCheck out those health nuts!” said Miss Holly.
    â€œThat song is really lame,” said Miss Laney.
    â€œFruits and veggies are for losers !” said Officer Spence.
    Ms. Leakey stopped singing and glared at the candy bar, can of soda, and donut.
    â€œHey, you bums!” she yelled. “We’re trying to sing a song here. So get off the stage!”
    â€œWho’s gonna make us?” said Miss Holly.
    â€œOoooooooooooooohhhhh,” all the kids in the audience went.
    â€œ We’re going to make you!” said Ms. Leakey.
    â€œOoooooooooooooohhhhh,” we all went.
    At that moment, the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Ms. Leakey yelled, “Charge!”
    And they all started fighting!

2
Clash of the Titans
    You should have been there! It was a wild scene on the stage. The banana was sword fighting with the candy bar! The peanut was sword fighting with the can of soda! The carrot was sword fighting with the donut! It was hilarious. And