Mrs. Patty Is Batty! by Dan Gutman Page A

get caught. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you get caught T.P.ing somebody’s house, the police put you in a jail with no toilet paper. Yuck! But Billy is a big liar anyway.
    Me and Ryan tiptoed to Andrea’s front lawn like we were spies on a mission. It was cool.
    â€œBe careful not to spit on the ground,” I whispered as we pulled the rolls of toilet paper out of our backpacks.
    â€œWhy not?” Ryan asked.
    â€œYou don’t want to leave any DNA evidence,” I said. “They could scoop upour spit and prove it came from us.”
    â€œGood thinking,” he agreed.
    I’m in the gifted and talented program at school, so I’m constantly thinking up genius stuff like that. Andrea is in the gifted and talented program too (of course).
    There’s a really big tree in Andrea’s front yard. It has a lot of branches, so it’s perfect for hanging toilet paper. We decided to loop the toilet paper over the high branches first. After that we would drape it over the low branches until the whole tree was covered.
    â€œOkay,” I said, once we were in position. “Ready…aim… fire !”
    I threw my roll of toilet paper as high as I could. Ryan threw his roll of toilet paper at the same time. Both rolls went sailing up into the tree. But there was just one problem. Those toilet paper rolls didn’t unroll!
    One of the toilet paper rolls bounced off Andrea’s house. The other one got stuck in the tree somewhere. It never came down. Bummer in the summer!
    â€œWhat did we do wrong?” Ryan asked.
    â€œI guess we should have unrolled them a little before we threw them,” I said.
    â€œ Now you tell me!” said Ryan.
    We were going to pick up the toilet paper roll and try again. But suddenly alight went on inside Andrea’s house. Andrea stuck her head out the window. Me and Ryan ran and hid behind the tree.

    â€œShhhh!” Ryan whispered. “I don’t think she saw us.”
    â€œDaddy!” I heard Andrea yell. “Somebody is outside throwing stuff at our house!”
    â€œRun for it!” I told Ryan. We didn’t stop running until we got home.

3
Three Zombies
    The next day was October 31, my favorite day of the year. Do you know why October 31 is my favorite day of the year?
    I’m not going to tell you.
    Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
    Because it’s Halloween, and that’s my favorite holiday. Well, I guess my favorite holidays are my birthday and Christmas,because I get presents. But on Halloween you get candy, which is almost as good as getting presents.
    Halloween is so great. Think about it. All you have to do is walk around in a silly costume and people give you free candy. * What could be better than that? It’s a whole holiday devoted to getting candy! Whoever thought up Halloween was a genius. If you ask me, that guy should get the No Bell Prize. (That’s a prize they give out to celebrate the invention of the first bell.)
    When I marched up the front steps to school, Mrs. Patty was standing in the hallway. She was dressed up like a witch. She had a long bent nose with a huge wart on it. How did that wart stay on? She must have glued it or something. It was gross.
    â€œI’ll get you, my pretty,” she shrieked, waving her broomstick at this girl named Annette, “and your little dog, too!”
    â€œI don’t even have a dog,” Annette told her.
    The front steps were filled with kids dressed as SpongeBobs and Batmans and Oompa-Loompas and all kinds of other weird creatures. Michael waswearing his peewee football uniform, and he had an ax sticking out of his helmet with fake blood running down the side. It was cool.
    â€œWhat are you supposed to be?” Mrs. Patty asked him.
    â€œI’m a football player,” Michael said.
    â€œWhy do you have an ax sticking out of your helmet?”
    â€œI’m a zombie football