three years after a death—usually long after hospice or other family support programs, which typically work with families for a year, have exited the scene.
Adolescence (Teen Years)
Adolescence, a period of intense internal chaos even without mother loss, is perhaps the only time in human development when obsessive, phobic, and paranoid behaviors are actually considered normal. In the frenzy of maturation, all the rules seem to suddenly change. Parents become oppressive and embarrassing; friends, unpredictable and competitive; the boys at school, mysterious and suddenly
worthwhile. The real changes, of course, are occurring internally, where a girl’s swiftly changing moods, emerging sexuality, and newly advanced cognitive skills blend to create a sense of disharmony unlike any she has experienced before. “It’s just a stage,” our parents say, and to some degree they’re right. Most of adolescence is about losing and regaining equilibrium, and about allowing a new, more mature identity to emerge slowly from the family’s cocoon.
At least that’s how it works according to the master plan. When a traumatic event occurs during these years, however, the whole process can get thrown off course. Any of the developmental tasks of adolescence—developing autonomy, dealing with authority figures, learning to live with ambivalence and ambiguity, developing a capacity for intimacy, solidifying a sexual identity, learning to manage emotion, developing a personal value system, and maintaining a sense of adequacy and competence—can be disrupted or halted by mother loss at this time. In addition, sleep disturbances, academic difficulties, poor concentration, withdrawn behavior, decreased appetite, depression, alcohol abuse, and delinquency are common in bereaved adolescents during the first year after a major loss. Two years after the loss these teens score higher in anxiety, depression, and social withdrawal, and perceive themselves to be less socially adept and less in control of their destinies than their non-bereaved counterparts.
Mothers and Daughters: When the Bond Breaks
As humans, we are social creatures, dependent on others for fulfillment. When we detach from one person or group, we naturally want to attach to another. During a normal adolescence, as a girl loosens her attachment to her mother she invests more energy in her peer group and possibly in a romantic partner. Although this break is significant, it’s not complete: A daughter still periodically returns to her mother in times of stress. Traveling along this two-steps-forward, one-step-back trajectory, the adolescent prepares for the passage into a stage of increased autonomy, a transition that helps her ultimately detach from her family of origin and begin a family of her own.
It’s normal for a girl to feel both positive and negative emotions toward her mother at this time, often within minutes of each other. Feelings of love and security connect her to a vital source of nurturing and support, while anger and resentment help her establish and maintain the distance she needs to begin to venture forth alone. These are the years when a daughter fully acknowledges that her mother is less than perfect and may even feel embarrassed or ashamed when comparing her to other women. The teenager takes an important step toward developing an independent identity when she realizes that she doesn’t want to duplicate her mother, recognizes she has the power to differentiate, and begins to do it.
This separation is rarely clean or easy, and often is complicated by a mother’s behavior. Because a mother frequently perceives her daughter as an extension of herself and thus identifies with her daughter more strongly than she does with her sons, she may try to hold on as a daughter breaks away. At the same time, because she has gone through adolescence herself and understands that her daughter must achieve autonomy, she pushes her daughter toward adulthood and
Adolescence (Teen Years)
Adolescence, a period of intense internal chaos even without mother loss, is perhaps the only time in human development when obsessive, phobic, and paranoid behaviors are actually considered normal. In the frenzy of maturation, all the rules seem to suddenly change. Parents become oppressive and embarrassing; friends, unpredictable and competitive; the boys at school, mysterious and suddenly
worthwhile. The real changes, of course, are occurring internally, where a girl’s swiftly changing moods, emerging sexuality, and newly advanced cognitive skills blend to create a sense of disharmony unlike any she has experienced before. “It’s just a stage,” our parents say, and to some degree they’re right. Most of adolescence is about losing and regaining equilibrium, and about allowing a new, more mature identity to emerge slowly from the family’s cocoon.
At least that’s how it works according to the master plan. When a traumatic event occurs during these years, however, the whole process can get thrown off course. Any of the developmental tasks of adolescence—developing autonomy, dealing with authority figures, learning to live with ambivalence and ambiguity, developing a capacity for intimacy, solidifying a sexual identity, learning to manage emotion, developing a personal value system, and maintaining a sense of adequacy and competence—can be disrupted or halted by mother loss at this time. In addition, sleep disturbances, academic difficulties, poor concentration, withdrawn behavior, decreased appetite, depression, alcohol abuse, and delinquency are common in bereaved adolescents during the first year after a major loss. Two years after the loss these teens score higher in anxiety, depression, and social withdrawal, and perceive themselves to be less socially adept and less in control of their destinies than their non-bereaved counterparts.
Mothers and Daughters: When the Bond Breaks
As humans, we are social creatures, dependent on others for fulfillment. When we detach from one person or group, we naturally want to attach to another. During a normal adolescence, as a girl loosens her attachment to her mother she invests more energy in her peer group and possibly in a romantic partner. Although this break is significant, it’s not complete: A daughter still periodically returns to her mother in times of stress. Traveling along this two-steps-forward, one-step-back trajectory, the adolescent prepares for the passage into a stage of increased autonomy, a transition that helps her ultimately detach from her family of origin and begin a family of her own.
It’s normal for a girl to feel both positive and negative emotions toward her mother at this time, often within minutes of each other. Feelings of love and security connect her to a vital source of nurturing and support, while anger and resentment help her establish and maintain the distance she needs to begin to venture forth alone. These are the years when a daughter fully acknowledges that her mother is less than perfect and may even feel embarrassed or ashamed when comparing her to other women. The teenager takes an important step toward developing an independent identity when she realizes that she doesn’t want to duplicate her mother, recognizes she has the power to differentiate, and begins to do it.
This separation is rarely clean or easy, and often is complicated by a mother’s behavior. Because a mother frequently perceives her daughter as an extension of herself and thus identifies with her daughter more strongly than she does with her sons, she may try to hold on as a daughter breaks away. At the same time, because she has gone through adolescence herself and understands that her daughter must achieve autonomy, she pushes her daughter toward adulthood and
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