was to comfort her children. Al was probably scared. Even if everything had been on the up and up and typical, two divorced parents spending time together was threatening. It was huge. It meant so much and carried so much weight. Add PTSD and those feelings increased tenfold.
Her hands were fisted at ten and two, her heart hammering as Cate slid off the exit, taking a hard right and tapping the brakes slowly at the severe bend. Accelerating past it, the road straightened and Cate continued to where she guessed the stop sign would be. She couldn't see two feet in front of her. Looking over her shoulder, to her left, she saw no lights, so Cate pushed forward, holding her breath. When no crash sounded, she continued straight, passing a tackle shop and a restaurant in a row of lovely buildings, heading toward the water.
"Sweetie, he's doing okay."
"Mom, he's done okay before."
"I know," Cate sighed. Her focus was on the road. She was two miles from home. She hesitated to break the moment, aware of every need her daughter expressed without words. Once she was home safely, Cate would be able to concentrate better.
Chapter Fifty One
Cate sat, staring out the train window at the scenery racing by. She was on her way into work. Again. She felt all her days blend together in a sort of beautiful weave, now that Tom was back.
She and Al had talked late into the night. Cate had then called Nic and spoken to him, needing to feel she'd reassured. In truth, as always, her children helped her cope. By expressing what she felt aloud, safely, she'd heard the lyrics of her heart. Cate hadn't realized how great a burden her fear had been.
She was afraid of Tom.
No, not Tom. Of what Tom offered. He always tended to go back and forth in his feelings for her during PTSD. True, he hadn't ever gotten this close to her, not since they'd been married years ago, or even dated, a lifetime ago.
Was he working her? To what end? If he wanted her, what was the harm? That was almost a beautiful statement.
Cate had built a full life without him and she was happy there. She respected and cared for Tom. She felt a comfort from him, and she was grateful for their children and the life they'd created before he'd left her. He'd always been a kind friend when he was able. And when he wasn't, he kept his distance, protecting her first.
Tom had confided he'd been seeing a therapist. Privately, Cate wasn't sure how much that would help until she'd seen the changes in Tom. Tom's behavior toward her was the first and last leg of his disease. When he'd pushed her away, she'd known he was ill. When he wouldn't allow her to care for him and had treated her with hostility, she'd felt a restriction grow inside of her. And when he'd taken the family they'd built away from their children, Cate had felt a bitter chill enfold her heart.
She shook her head, not wanting to think of that now. She would, she promised herself. One day, Cate would have no choice but to deal with the pain and resentment Tom's disease always left in its wake. She'd take it one piece at a time, at her own speed. Slowly and in the background of her life, Cate would work out how she felt. She'd find forgiveness for him. She knew he was only doing the best he could do.
Right now, though, Cate wanted to focus on how Tom made her feel in these moments. She was struggling with the fear and she wouldn't allow it to encapsulate her.
Was he working her for some reason?
What if he got what he wanted and he started working for her less?
Was his plan to sneak back into her life without any words?
Would he triumph? His emotion was so strong. Did she even have a choice?
Cate knew she and Tom had to have a conversation. But first, she had to get square with herself. Cate realized she wanted him to win, just a little bit. She wouldn't give up her independence and she wouldn't give in to him without the conversation she deserved. But, that being said, Cate hesitated: she wasn't running this show.
Her hands were fisted at ten and two, her heart hammering as Cate slid off the exit, taking a hard right and tapping the brakes slowly at the severe bend. Accelerating past it, the road straightened and Cate continued to where she guessed the stop sign would be. She couldn't see two feet in front of her. Looking over her shoulder, to her left, she saw no lights, so Cate pushed forward, holding her breath. When no crash sounded, she continued straight, passing a tackle shop and a restaurant in a row of lovely buildings, heading toward the water.
"Sweetie, he's doing okay."
"Mom, he's done okay before."
"I know," Cate sighed. Her focus was on the road. She was two miles from home. She hesitated to break the moment, aware of every need her daughter expressed without words. Once she was home safely, Cate would be able to concentrate better.
Chapter Fifty One
Cate sat, staring out the train window at the scenery racing by. She was on her way into work. Again. She felt all her days blend together in a sort of beautiful weave, now that Tom was back.
She and Al had talked late into the night. Cate had then called Nic and spoken to him, needing to feel she'd reassured. In truth, as always, her children helped her cope. By expressing what she felt aloud, safely, she'd heard the lyrics of her heart. Cate hadn't realized how great a burden her fear had been.
She was afraid of Tom.
No, not Tom. Of what Tom offered. He always tended to go back and forth in his feelings for her during PTSD. True, he hadn't ever gotten this close to her, not since they'd been married years ago, or even dated, a lifetime ago.
Was he working her? To what end? If he wanted her, what was the harm? That was almost a beautiful statement.
Cate had built a full life without him and she was happy there. She respected and cared for Tom. She felt a comfort from him, and she was grateful for their children and the life they'd created before he'd left her. He'd always been a kind friend when he was able. And when he wasn't, he kept his distance, protecting her first.
Tom had confided he'd been seeing a therapist. Privately, Cate wasn't sure how much that would help until she'd seen the changes in Tom. Tom's behavior toward her was the first and last leg of his disease. When he'd pushed her away, she'd known he was ill. When he wouldn't allow her to care for him and had treated her with hostility, she'd felt a restriction grow inside of her. And when he'd taken the family they'd built away from their children, Cate had felt a bitter chill enfold her heart.
She shook her head, not wanting to think of that now. She would, she promised herself. One day, Cate would have no choice but to deal with the pain and resentment Tom's disease always left in its wake. She'd take it one piece at a time, at her own speed. Slowly and in the background of her life, Cate would work out how she felt. She'd find forgiveness for him. She knew he was only doing the best he could do.
Right now, though, Cate wanted to focus on how Tom made her feel in these moments. She was struggling with the fear and she wouldn't allow it to encapsulate her.
Was he working her for some reason?
What if he got what he wanted and he started working for her less?
Was his plan to sneak back into her life without any words?
Would he triumph? His emotion was so strong. Did she even have a choice?
Cate knew she and Tom had to have a conversation. But first, she had to get square with herself. Cate realized she wanted him to win, just a little bit. She wouldn't give up her independence and she wouldn't give in to him without the conversation she deserved. But, that being said, Cate hesitated: she wasn't running this show.
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