I could breathe again. I took a deep gasping breath of air and willed my heart to stop pounding.
“Why would you even think that, Zach?” he asked.
“You said it had to end,” I said, practically laughing with relief.
“I didnt mean us !”
“Jesus, Ang, you just about gave me a heart attack!” He was looking at me with obvious concern. I waved my hand at him. “Go on. Im sure the panic will subside in a minute.” I was trying to joke, but it came out flat. He still looked confused, and it took him a second to start talking again.
“Well,” he finally said, “I guess what Im sayin is, I been worried since Vegas that Im not the guy you deserve—”
“Angelo, you are —”
“Zach!” he snapped. “Let me finish!”
It took a ridiculous amount of effort to not protest, but I took a deep breath and managed to say instead, “Im sorry. Go on.”
His annoyance at my interruption melted away, and he was left looking shy and uncertain once again. “I guess what Im tryin to tell you is, I see now the only way to quit wonderin when youll meet the guy you deserve is for me to start bein’ the guy you deserve.”
“You already are the guy I deserve.”
“No, Zach,” he said, shaking his head. “Im just the guy you love.”
I didnt really understand what he was getting at, but I didnt care. I was still so relieved to know he wasnt leaving me, the rest of it didnt matter. I went to him and took his face in my hands. I had to brush his hair out of his eyes so I could look into them. “Youre right about that at least: you are the guy I love.”
“When we get home, Im gonna start bein both.”
“I hope you know you dont need to change anything for me.”
I could feel him trembling, and his voice was shaky when he asked, “What if I want to change something for me?”
“Then Ill help you any way I can.”
“I know you been wonderin what Im lookin at online.”
Just when I thought I was following him, he had to go and change the subject again. It surprised me, as it always did. “I have been curious.”
“I been afraid youd laugh at me.”
“Ill try not to.”
It took him a second, and a deep breath to gather his courage. And then he said, “I wanna go back to school.”
I almost did laugh, but not for the reason he probably expected. After everything that had gone through my head—all my fears that he had met somebody else, or was looking for a new job or his own place to live—to find out now that it was something as innocuous as wanting to finish his education was an enormous relief.
“Why didnt you tell me, Ang?”
“Cause once I told you, Id have to start. And if I didnt ever start, I couldnt fail.”
It was so simple. And yet, how many people could have admitted that fact so honestly to themselves even, let alone to somebody else? It was an impressive amount of insight for him to have, and I was struck once again by how intelligent he really was. He lacked confidence because of his past, and he covered that up with bravado. But underneath it all, he was smart. Probably smarter than any of the rest of us. “You wont fail,” I said. “Not if its something you want.”
“I can go to Front Range in Longmont to get my GED. Theres a seminar to get ready, and then I have to take the test there. But after that, I can do a bunch online.”
“Thats good.”
“But if that works out, Zach….” And here he hesitated again, his cheeks turning red. “I wanna go to a real school.”
“Like CU?”
He shrank in on himself a bit at that. “Not that big,” he said. “I was thinkin maybe UNC in Greeley.”
“You want us to move to Greeley?”
He looked more unsure of himself now. “Maybe.”
I wasnt sure how I felt about that—Id never been impressed with the place myself—but I hadnt been there in more than ten years. Like most of the cities along the Front Range, it had grown and changed a lot in that time. And besides, what Angelo was talking about was still two or three years away. My gut told me that
“Why would you even think that, Zach?” he asked.
“You said it had to end,” I said, practically laughing with relief.
“I didnt mean us !”
“Jesus, Ang, you just about gave me a heart attack!” He was looking at me with obvious concern. I waved my hand at him. “Go on. Im sure the panic will subside in a minute.” I was trying to joke, but it came out flat. He still looked confused, and it took him a second to start talking again.
“Well,” he finally said, “I guess what Im sayin is, I been worried since Vegas that Im not the guy you deserve—”
“Angelo, you are —”
“Zach!” he snapped. “Let me finish!”
It took a ridiculous amount of effort to not protest, but I took a deep breath and managed to say instead, “Im sorry. Go on.”
His annoyance at my interruption melted away, and he was left looking shy and uncertain once again. “I guess what Im tryin to tell you is, I see now the only way to quit wonderin when youll meet the guy you deserve is for me to start bein’ the guy you deserve.”
“You already are the guy I deserve.”
“No, Zach,” he said, shaking his head. “Im just the guy you love.”
I didnt really understand what he was getting at, but I didnt care. I was still so relieved to know he wasnt leaving me, the rest of it didnt matter. I went to him and took his face in my hands. I had to brush his hair out of his eyes so I could look into them. “Youre right about that at least: you are the guy I love.”
“When we get home, Im gonna start bein both.”
“I hope you know you dont need to change anything for me.”
I could feel him trembling, and his voice was shaky when he asked, “What if I want to change something for me?”
“Then Ill help you any way I can.”
“I know you been wonderin what Im lookin at online.”
Just when I thought I was following him, he had to go and change the subject again. It surprised me, as it always did. “I have been curious.”
“I been afraid youd laugh at me.”
“Ill try not to.”
It took him a second, and a deep breath to gather his courage. And then he said, “I wanna go back to school.”
I almost did laugh, but not for the reason he probably expected. After everything that had gone through my head—all my fears that he had met somebody else, or was looking for a new job or his own place to live—to find out now that it was something as innocuous as wanting to finish his education was an enormous relief.
“Why didnt you tell me, Ang?”
“Cause once I told you, Id have to start. And if I didnt ever start, I couldnt fail.”
It was so simple. And yet, how many people could have admitted that fact so honestly to themselves even, let alone to somebody else? It was an impressive amount of insight for him to have, and I was struck once again by how intelligent he really was. He lacked confidence because of his past, and he covered that up with bravado. But underneath it all, he was smart. Probably smarter than any of the rest of us. “You wont fail,” I said. “Not if its something you want.”
“I can go to Front Range in Longmont to get my GED. Theres a seminar to get ready, and then I have to take the test there. But after that, I can do a bunch online.”
“Thats good.”
“But if that works out, Zach….” And here he hesitated again, his cheeks turning red. “I wanna go to a real school.”
“Like CU?”
He shrank in on himself a bit at that. “Not that big,” he said. “I was thinkin maybe UNC in Greeley.”
“You want us to move to Greeley?”
He looked more unsure of himself now. “Maybe.”
I wasnt sure how I felt about that—Id never been impressed with the place myself—but I hadnt been there in more than ten years. Like most of the cities along the Front Range, it had grown and changed a lot in that time. And besides, what Angelo was talking about was still two or three years away. My gut told me that
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