there in silence, pretending to watch whatever program the remote control had found for us, me giving off palpably frightening vibes, Anna or Helen or Mum or Dad sitting stiffly, afraid to talk, afraid to suggest changing channels and waiting for a decent interval to elapse so they could leave and continue watching their program on the small televi- sion in Mum's room.
And when they would get up and start sidling to the door, I'd pounce on them. "Where are you going?" I'd demand. "You can't even bear to be in the same room as me, can you? It's bad enough that my husband has to leave me but imagine my own family treating me like this."
The poor victim would stand there awkwardly, feeling shamed into not leaving but definitely not wanting to stay.
And hating me for it.
"Well, go on then," I'd tell them viciously. "Go."
Because I was so terrifying no one, not even Helen, had the courage to tell me that I was being incredibly selfish and, in the vernacular, a right little bitch. I held the whole family at ransom with my wild tempers and unpredictable mood swings.
Kate was the only one I treated with any respect. And even that only happened occasionally.
73 Marian Keyes
Once when she started crying I shouted sharply at her, "Shut up, Kate!" Quite unbelievably, she stopped immediately. The silence that followed sounded almost stunned. Try as I might I haven't been able to reproduce that tone of voice since. I've practiced with all kinds of different inflections, like "Shut up, Kate," or "Shut up, Kate," or "Shut up, Kate," but it makes no difference. She blithely continues to bellow, no doubt thinking, "Ha! You might have frightened me once, for about a nanosecond, but you can be damn sure it won't happen again."
I had so much energy. My body wasn't big enough to contain all the energy that flowed through me. I went from having no energy to having far too much of it. I had no idea what to do with it. I felt as if I was going to explode with it. Or go crazy with it. I was torn because I didn't want to leave the house but I felt as if I could run a hundred miles. That I would go crazy if I didn't. I had the strength of ten men. During those awful couple of weeks I could have won gold medals in the Olympic games in any sport you care to mention.
I felt that I could run faster, jump higher, throw farther, lift heavier, punch harder than anyone alive.
That first night that the jealousy kicked in, I drank half a bottle of vodka.
I bullied Anna into loaning me fifteen pounds for it and Helen into going to the liquor store for it.
Anna would have willingly gone to the store for me.
And Anna would have willingly come back from the store for me.
But when, is the question.
She might have reappeared in a week with some vague story about how on the way to the store she met some people in a van who were going to Stonehenge and how she thought it might be nice to join them. Or how she had some strange out-of-body experience and lost a week.
I could have told her that there was nothing strange about it. That if she went over to her boyfriend Shane's apartment and smoked a lot of drugs that was what generally happened. And that the correct name for it was an out-of-your-head experience, not an out-of-body experience.
74 WATERMELON
Not that it was an easy battle to win with Helen. "I'll drown," she grumbled, the weather still being inclement.
"You won't," I assured her grimly through gritted teeth, my tone of voice implying, "But it would be no trouble at all to arrange."
"It'll cost you," she told me, changing tack.
"How much?"
"A fiver."
"Give her another fiver," I ordered Anna.
Money changed hands.
"That's twenty that you owe me now," said Anna anxiously.
"Have I ever reneged on my debts before?" I asked Anna coldly.
"Er, no," said the poor girl, far too frightened to remind me that I still owed her for the bottle of wine that I "borrowed" from her the first night that she was home.
"And
And when they would get up and start sidling to the door, I'd pounce on them. "Where are you going?" I'd demand. "You can't even bear to be in the same room as me, can you? It's bad enough that my husband has to leave me but imagine my own family treating me like this."
The poor victim would stand there awkwardly, feeling shamed into not leaving but definitely not wanting to stay.
And hating me for it.
"Well, go on then," I'd tell them viciously. "Go."
Because I was so terrifying no one, not even Helen, had the courage to tell me that I was being incredibly selfish and, in the vernacular, a right little bitch. I held the whole family at ransom with my wild tempers and unpredictable mood swings.
Kate was the only one I treated with any respect. And even that only happened occasionally.
73 Marian Keyes
Once when she started crying I shouted sharply at her, "Shut up, Kate!" Quite unbelievably, she stopped immediately. The silence that followed sounded almost stunned. Try as I might I haven't been able to reproduce that tone of voice since. I've practiced with all kinds of different inflections, like "Shut up, Kate," or "Shut up, Kate," or "Shut up, Kate," but it makes no difference. She blithely continues to bellow, no doubt thinking, "Ha! You might have frightened me once, for about a nanosecond, but you can be damn sure it won't happen again."
I had so much energy. My body wasn't big enough to contain all the energy that flowed through me. I went from having no energy to having far too much of it. I had no idea what to do with it. I felt as if I was going to explode with it. Or go crazy with it. I was torn because I didn't want to leave the house but I felt as if I could run a hundred miles. That I would go crazy if I didn't. I had the strength of ten men. During those awful couple of weeks I could have won gold medals in the Olympic games in any sport you care to mention.
I felt that I could run faster, jump higher, throw farther, lift heavier, punch harder than anyone alive.
That first night that the jealousy kicked in, I drank half a bottle of vodka.
I bullied Anna into loaning me fifteen pounds for it and Helen into going to the liquor store for it.
Anna would have willingly gone to the store for me.
And Anna would have willingly come back from the store for me.
But when, is the question.
She might have reappeared in a week with some vague story about how on the way to the store she met some people in a van who were going to Stonehenge and how she thought it might be nice to join them. Or how she had some strange out-of-body experience and lost a week.
I could have told her that there was nothing strange about it. That if she went over to her boyfriend Shane's apartment and smoked a lot of drugs that was what generally happened. And that the correct name for it was an out-of-your-head experience, not an out-of-body experience.
74 WATERMELON
Not that it was an easy battle to win with Helen. "I'll drown," she grumbled, the weather still being inclement.
"You won't," I assured her grimly through gritted teeth, my tone of voice implying, "But it would be no trouble at all to arrange."
"It'll cost you," she told me, changing tack.
"How much?"
"A fiver."
"Give her another fiver," I ordered Anna.
Money changed hands.
"That's twenty that you owe me now," said Anna anxiously.
"Have I ever reneged on my debts before?" I asked Anna coldly.
"Er, no," said the poor girl, far too frightened to remind me that I still owed her for the bottle of wine that I "borrowed" from her the first night that she was home.
"And
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