“You’ve got it in your head that I’m this helpless woman who needs saving. A damsel in distress who can’t take care of herself, who needs a big strong guy to come save me, or something equally as nauseating as that. Well, I’m
not
. I don’t need saving, and if I do? I can damn well save myself, thank you very much. I don’t need a man to do it for me. And I don’t need you and your savior complex crashing into my life out of some sort of misplaced sense of duty to my dead brother.”
“This isn’t about duty, Rose.” He stood, slammed his hands on the counter, and stared me down, breathing heavily. “I’m not just some
man
. I’m all you’ve got, and you’re all I’ve got, and I care about you more than you’d ever be able to comprehend. I’ll be damned if I’ll stand by idly while you suffer. I’d sooner put myself up on a cross and crucify myself than watch you suffer for
one more fucking second
.”
I sucked in a deep breath and gaped at him because…
For the first time in my life…
I was struck speechless.
Chapter 7
Thorn
Well,
great
. I hadn’t meant to admit all that, especially in quite that way. Yeah, she meant a lot to me. And yeah, I wasn’t too dumb to recognize the feeling inside of me, ripping me in half, for what it was. I
loved
her. But it didn’t really change anything between us, that knowledge. Despite the earlier fiasco in the bath, when I had lost all sense of reason and control and let the beast inside of me take over until I didn’t even recognize myself or my actions anymore, I couldn’t—
wouldn’t
—have her.
In the bath, I’d forgotten all that. Forgotten all my promises and plans, and something had happened that had changed me in an instant. It had made me something else. Someone else. Someone I didn’t even know anymore.
And I didn’t want to.
No matter how beautiful she was, or how badly I ached to veer from my established path, I couldn’t take a detour. I was man enough, mortal enough, to admit that Rose was my weakness. Now I had to be man enough to overcome that weakness, too. When Mikey died, I had sworn I would change my life for the better. To never get high again. To never hurt someone like I’d hurt him. It had been my last promise to a dying man, and I refused to break that promise. I’d joined the seminary because it was the only way I stood a chance of being forgiven by God, Rose, and Mikey. The only way I could find peace—and I
had
found it. I just hadn’t found absolution. Not yet.
I’d fought hard to get where I was, to put my past behind me, and I couldn’t forget it all now because I’d realized I was in love with Rose Gallagher. If anything, that love should push me forward even harder. Love is fleeting. Love dies. Love breaks hearts. Destroys
lives
. Look what it had done to my mother. She’d been a loyal wife. She’d loved my father with all her heart and soul.
She’d given him everything she had to give.
And then he’d taken even more.
When he left us, she’d stopped reading the Bible to me at night. She’d taken down every cross, taken every Mother Mary off the tables, and needles with heroin lay scattered in their places instead. She’d taken all the devotion she’d given to my father, and to God, and instead devoted herself to ruining her life….
And mine.
But even after years of watching her sleep with men for money or a quick high, nothing erased the mother she’d been before Dad left. The mother she’d been when we prayed the rosary before she tucked me in at night. And after Mikey’s death, when I’d been trying to decide between ending my pathetic life or getting clean, I’d found myself going back to those roots by kneeling at the altar of Saint Paul’s Roman Catholic Church, tears running down my face.
Father John had found me there, and he’d listened to my story before taking me under his wing. He’d literally
saved
my
life
. So I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing the same
not
. I don’t need saving, and if I do? I can damn well save myself, thank you very much. I don’t need a man to do it for me. And I don’t need you and your savior complex crashing into my life out of some sort of misplaced sense of duty to my dead brother.”
“This isn’t about duty, Rose.” He stood, slammed his hands on the counter, and stared me down, breathing heavily. “I’m not just some
man
. I’m all you’ve got, and you’re all I’ve got, and I care about you more than you’d ever be able to comprehend. I’ll be damned if I’ll stand by idly while you suffer. I’d sooner put myself up on a cross and crucify myself than watch you suffer for
one more fucking second
.”
I sucked in a deep breath and gaped at him because…
For the first time in my life…
I was struck speechless.
Chapter 7
Thorn
Well,
great
. I hadn’t meant to admit all that, especially in quite that way. Yeah, she meant a lot to me. And yeah, I wasn’t too dumb to recognize the feeling inside of me, ripping me in half, for what it was. I
loved
her. But it didn’t really change anything between us, that knowledge. Despite the earlier fiasco in the bath, when I had lost all sense of reason and control and let the beast inside of me take over until I didn’t even recognize myself or my actions anymore, I couldn’t—
wouldn’t
—have her.
In the bath, I’d forgotten all that. Forgotten all my promises and plans, and something had happened that had changed me in an instant. It had made me something else. Someone else. Someone I didn’t even know anymore.
And I didn’t want to.
No matter how beautiful she was, or how badly I ached to veer from my established path, I couldn’t take a detour. I was man enough, mortal enough, to admit that Rose was my weakness. Now I had to be man enough to overcome that weakness, too. When Mikey died, I had sworn I would change my life for the better. To never get high again. To never hurt someone like I’d hurt him. It had been my last promise to a dying man, and I refused to break that promise. I’d joined the seminary because it was the only way I stood a chance of being forgiven by God, Rose, and Mikey. The only way I could find peace—and I
had
found it. I just hadn’t found absolution. Not yet.
I’d fought hard to get where I was, to put my past behind me, and I couldn’t forget it all now because I’d realized I was in love with Rose Gallagher. If anything, that love should push me forward even harder. Love is fleeting. Love dies. Love breaks hearts. Destroys
lives
. Look what it had done to my mother. She’d been a loyal wife. She’d loved my father with all her heart and soul.
She’d given him everything she had to give.
And then he’d taken even more.
When he left us, she’d stopped reading the Bible to me at night. She’d taken down every cross, taken every Mother Mary off the tables, and needles with heroin lay scattered in their places instead. She’d taken all the devotion she’d given to my father, and to God, and instead devoted herself to ruining her life….
And mine.
But even after years of watching her sleep with men for money or a quick high, nothing erased the mother she’d been before Dad left. The mother she’d been when we prayed the rosary before she tucked me in at night. And after Mikey’s death, when I’d been trying to decide between ending my pathetic life or getting clean, I’d found myself going back to those roots by kneeling at the altar of Saint Paul’s Roman Catholic Church, tears running down my face.
Father John had found me there, and he’d listened to my story before taking me under his wing. He’d literally
saved
my
life
. So I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing the same
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