money.”
“Don’t make me into a gold digger. Did I ask you to go to Europe? Didn’t I tell you that you were spending too much?”
“Then what’s the problem?” I said.
“It’s
this
. Starting from scratch. I can’t do it.”
“We can do it together. We’ll build a life together.”
“And lose the best years of our lives.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way. These could be the best years of our lives. We’ll be together.”
“We’ll learn to hate each other.”
I couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Why would you say that?”
“You have no idea. I’ve lived through it. I watched it my whole life. I watched my parents sacrifice and scrimp andsave until it destroyed their marriage. When they finally started getting ahead, my father left. That’s how it is.”
“That’s not how it is,” I said angrily.
“You don’t know.” She exhaled slowly. “I love you, Luke. But I never signed up for that kind of life—clipping coupons to survive. It’s not what I want. I don’t know if I can or can’t do it, but I know that I don’t want to.” She looked into my eyes. “I’m really sorry.”
She got up and began packing her things while I just sat on the bed, watching her. When she finished, she walked to the doorway, then stopped. “I really am sorry, Luke. We’ll talk in a few days, okay?”
I just looked at her. She walked out, closing the door behind herself. Something told me I’d never see her again.
CHAPTER
Twenty-Four
The only thing more universal to the human condition than love is loss
.
Luke Crisp’s Diary
I drank until early in the morning and slept through the rest of it, well into the next afternoon, when the room’s phone rang. My head was throbbing. I answered hoping it was Candace. It was the front desk asking if I was going to check out or if they should charge me for another day. I told them that I was leaving. Without showering or changing my clothes, I grabbed my suitcase and carry-on bag and left the room.
Where would I go? I felt like a man who had just stepped over a cliff wishing to take back just a few steps. Even the $3,000 I’d spent on the cabana could have provided several months’ stay in a cheap hotel. What do you do when you have no place to go? I was in a daze as I walked out of my room.
I took the elevator down to the lobby. The electricity and cash of the casino flowed around me, past me, like a river. I sat down at a bar and ate the free bar nuts and crackers and drank more and mostly just watched. Around midnight I fell asleep in the chair. The bartender woke me. “Sorry, sir, you can’t sleep here.”
I got up. I dragged my luggage to another part of thecasino, fighting my exhaustion. My thoughts rolled and bounced around in my head like a ball on one of the casino’s roulette wheels. The world looked different to me now. Changed. I realized that I had lived my life on a different level of humanity—one where money was both ubiquitous and intangible. Most of my life I didn’t even carry money, just magical plastic cards that got me whatever I needed—like a VIP pass to the world. Unlike paper money, the plastic never diminished. It did, of course, but not where one could see it.
I never checked receipts; I rarely looked at price tags. I realized that Candace was right—I didn’t know want or scarcity. I had lived in a different world than most people. Now I was in their world. Actually, I was below their world. I had no job, no home and no money. There was no safety net below me. How could I have been so stupid?
I thought back to that dinner with my father when he suggested I go to business school. How ironic—he said he didn’t want me to have any regrets. That’s all I had now. Regret and hate. I hated Sean more that I could say. I wished that I had let the gamblers take their pound of flesh. But I hated myself even more for being taken in by him.
What weighed just as heavily on me was Candace’s betrayal. I was in
“Don’t make me into a gold digger. Did I ask you to go to Europe? Didn’t I tell you that you were spending too much?”
“Then what’s the problem?” I said.
“It’s
this
. Starting from scratch. I can’t do it.”
“We can do it together. We’ll build a life together.”
“And lose the best years of our lives.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way. These could be the best years of our lives. We’ll be together.”
“We’ll learn to hate each other.”
I couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Why would you say that?”
“You have no idea. I’ve lived through it. I watched it my whole life. I watched my parents sacrifice and scrimp andsave until it destroyed their marriage. When they finally started getting ahead, my father left. That’s how it is.”
“That’s not how it is,” I said angrily.
“You don’t know.” She exhaled slowly. “I love you, Luke. But I never signed up for that kind of life—clipping coupons to survive. It’s not what I want. I don’t know if I can or can’t do it, but I know that I don’t want to.” She looked into my eyes. “I’m really sorry.”
She got up and began packing her things while I just sat on the bed, watching her. When she finished, she walked to the doorway, then stopped. “I really am sorry, Luke. We’ll talk in a few days, okay?”
I just looked at her. She walked out, closing the door behind herself. Something told me I’d never see her again.
CHAPTER
Twenty-Four
The only thing more universal to the human condition than love is loss
.
Luke Crisp’s Diary
I drank until early in the morning and slept through the rest of it, well into the next afternoon, when the room’s phone rang. My head was throbbing. I answered hoping it was Candace. It was the front desk asking if I was going to check out or if they should charge me for another day. I told them that I was leaving. Without showering or changing my clothes, I grabbed my suitcase and carry-on bag and left the room.
Where would I go? I felt like a man who had just stepped over a cliff wishing to take back just a few steps. Even the $3,000 I’d spent on the cabana could have provided several months’ stay in a cheap hotel. What do you do when you have no place to go? I was in a daze as I walked out of my room.
I took the elevator down to the lobby. The electricity and cash of the casino flowed around me, past me, like a river. I sat down at a bar and ate the free bar nuts and crackers and drank more and mostly just watched. Around midnight I fell asleep in the chair. The bartender woke me. “Sorry, sir, you can’t sleep here.”
I got up. I dragged my luggage to another part of thecasino, fighting my exhaustion. My thoughts rolled and bounced around in my head like a ball on one of the casino’s roulette wheels. The world looked different to me now. Changed. I realized that I had lived my life on a different level of humanity—one where money was both ubiquitous and intangible. Most of my life I didn’t even carry money, just magical plastic cards that got me whatever I needed—like a VIP pass to the world. Unlike paper money, the plastic never diminished. It did, of course, but not where one could see it.
I never checked receipts; I rarely looked at price tags. I realized that Candace was right—I didn’t know want or scarcity. I had lived in a different world than most people. Now I was in their world. Actually, I was below their world. I had no job, no home and no money. There was no safety net below me. How could I have been so stupid?
I thought back to that dinner with my father when he suggested I go to business school. How ironic—he said he didn’t want me to have any regrets. That’s all I had now. Regret and hate. I hated Sean more that I could say. I wished that I had let the gamblers take their pound of flesh. But I hated myself even more for being taken in by him.
What weighed just as heavily on me was Candace’s betrayal. I was in
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