Little Star by John Ajvide Lindqvist Page B

gone to Stockholm and she had been sitting in the armchair for two hours, she did actually hear something like a click. A membrane burst, everything became clear and she made a decision. She sat up in the armchair, her eyes wide open.
    She hadn’t searched the garage. No. So now she was going to go into the garage and open a cupboard or pull out a drawer and the first thing she saw would be it. Irrespective of what it was, it would be the thing she had been looking for. She made the decision.
    An eagerness and a sense of excitement she hadn’t felt for a few months seized her as she hurried across the garden. The garage door was ajar, welcoming her, because Lennart had taken the car out. The sun poured down from a pale July sky. Laila pushed the door open further and stepped into the darkness.
    On a bench lay some tools and things to do with the car, and beneath it a cabinet containing three drawers. Laila stood in front of the cabinet, slowly running her hand over the three drawers, like the host of Bingolotto when a lucky winner was about to choose his or her secret prize. What would it be? A holiday in the Maldives or a hundred kilos of coffee?
    Laila said eeny, meeny, miny, mo in her head, and her index finger stopped at the middle drawer. She pulled it open.
    It couldn’t have been clearer. There was only one thing in the drawer. A brand new nylon rope, ten metres long. Laila took it out and weighed it in her hands.
    So. Now she knew what she had to do. It felt right. It felt like a relief.
    She lived through the following days as if she were on a high. Each daily task seemed like fun, or at least valuable, because she knew she was carrying it out for the last time. As she sat with the girl she felt sorry for her, searching fruitlessly. Laila’s own search was over.
    No more pain in her leg, no more embarrassment over her clumsy body, no more of the constant, nagging feeling that she wasn’t good enough. It would all be over. Soon.
    Lennart noticed the change in her and became gentler, almost kind. He was more tolerant than she was used to. But that was still what he was doing: tolerating her. She saw everything so clearly now. It would be a release for Lennart when he no longer had to drag her around with him. Nobody would shed any tears because she was gone. It was just a matter of getting it done.
    That was a problem. She wasn’t afraid of dying, but however ridiculous it might sound, she was afraid of hanging herself—because it would hurt, and because it was ugly somehow.
    Then again, she wouldn’t actually need to use the rope. The rope was just a guide; the result was the important thing. After a little thought she decided how she wanted to do it, and the only thing that remained was to wait for the right opportunity.
    It was almost a month before it came along. At the beginning of August it rained heavily for a week, followed by several days of beautiful hot weather. Perfect conditions for ceps in the forest. Lennart set off to forage, and for once he went on his bike.
    Laila made a jokey comment about how it would be interesting to see what he came home with this time. Lennart was very confused when she leaned forward as he got on his bike, kissed him on the cheek and said goodbye.
    Before he turned the corner he glanced back over his shoulder. She was waving. Then she went inside and fetched the vacuum cleaner hose.
    She felt perfectly calm as she disconnected the hose from thecleaner and found a roll of packing tape. A tingle of expectation in her chest, that was all.
    She didn’t bother saying goodbye to the girl. If there was anyone who couldn’t care less whether she lived or died, it was the girl. They had spent a lot of time together but there had never been any real contact. The girl lived in her own world, and there was no room for anyone else.
    What about Jerry? Well yes, Jerry would definitely be upset, and she couldn’t imagine how it would affect his relationship with Lennart. Nor did she