MG’s personality, the engine was heavily modified and would, as she put it, “haul major ass.”
Jack continued.
“I stood there in the driveway with my hands on my hips and demanded to know what the hell we were doing. I had just met this woman and she was pushing all my buttons. She got out of her vehicle, walked over to me, and put a hand on my shoulder.
“She said, ‘Jack, what is your job title?’ I said, ‘Special Agent in Charge of the Boston Field Office of the FBI.’ She said, ‘that’s right, Jack. You are the leader, and the example. The makeover of your office starts with you, Sugar—and we’re going to do something about that, right now. Now, get in the car.”
Babe was sitting on the edge of his seat, wide-eyed.
“No, she didn’t,” Babe shouted.
“Oh, it gets better,” Jack said.
“She drives into New Southie and parks in front of this place called ‘Esteban’s’. I said, ‘So I’m going to learn flamenco guitar and get a Zorro outfit? This is your plan?’ She ignored me and we walked inside. This ‘Esteban’, who is six-feet tall and weighs about ninety pounds—of which thirty five is hair— comes squealing across the room. ‘ EEEEEEMMMMMMGGGGEEEEE Sweetie!’ I’m freaking out at this point. What have I gotten myself into? I’m about to be worked over by the second coming of Little Richard?
“MG introduced us and this fellow turns, points one hip at me with his hand on the other, and looks me up and down, twice. I kid you not. Then he offers up a limp wrist and says, ‘Hello there, Jack.’ I swear he made my name sound… nasty. Then he turns to MG and says ‘There’s good bones there, honey. I can fix this.’ Yeah! I mean—what the fuck?”
Babe was rocking back and forth with one leg tucked underneath him. This was the most fun he had had in a long time.
“So, ‘Esteban’ tells us to have a seat while he gets set up. I said, ‘MG, what is happening here?’ She said, ‘Relax, Jack. He’s just going to style your hair. He’s not going to grab your package. Well, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to grab your package. Shit, Jack you’re the fucking FBI, don’t you carry a Taser or a stun gun or something? Hell, I have a Taser. Do you want to borrow it? I didn’t realize I was going to have to protect you. Shit, I’m going to have to have a raise if I have to protect you from homosexuals.”
Mr. Pendleton had given up on napping and was currently licking Babe’s face, which was easy because Babe was doubled over laughing with tears streaming down his face.
“Stop! Stop. Wait a….wait…Jack. I can’t fucking breathe.”
Babe was trying to talk at the same time that he was laughing and every time he opened his mouth, Mr. Pendleton stuck his tongue in it. When Jack could stop laughing long enough to see, he pulled the puppy away.
Babe climbed slowly to his feet and wiped his eyes.
“Wait, wait, wait. I’m getting some more beers, Jack. Don’t lose our place.”
Babe returned with two beers and sat back down.
“So Esteban says he’s ready. I got up and looked at MG, who was flipping pages in some idiotic magazine like she had every intention of staying right there. I kicked her chair and gave her my ‘raised- eyebrow-you-had-better-get-your-ass- UP’ look, and she followed me into the back like I was a little boy, which I didn’t give a shit about because Esteban gave me the fucking creeps. But, I’ll be damned, twenty minutes later the sideburns were gone and I had the best looking haircut I’ve had in my life. And now I go see Esteban once a month.”
“Hell of a day, huh?” Babe asked.
“Oh, that’s not all of it. We left Esteban’s and drove to this boutique men’s store. My wallet started hemorrhaging money before we got in the door of this place. And of course everyone there knows MG. I’m thinking, ‘who the hell is this woman?’ A man and a woman start zipping all around me like horseflies. They
Jack continued.
“I stood there in the driveway with my hands on my hips and demanded to know what the hell we were doing. I had just met this woman and she was pushing all my buttons. She got out of her vehicle, walked over to me, and put a hand on my shoulder.
“She said, ‘Jack, what is your job title?’ I said, ‘Special Agent in Charge of the Boston Field Office of the FBI.’ She said, ‘that’s right, Jack. You are the leader, and the example. The makeover of your office starts with you, Sugar—and we’re going to do something about that, right now. Now, get in the car.”
Babe was sitting on the edge of his seat, wide-eyed.
“No, she didn’t,” Babe shouted.
“Oh, it gets better,” Jack said.
“She drives into New Southie and parks in front of this place called ‘Esteban’s’. I said, ‘So I’m going to learn flamenco guitar and get a Zorro outfit? This is your plan?’ She ignored me and we walked inside. This ‘Esteban’, who is six-feet tall and weighs about ninety pounds—of which thirty five is hair— comes squealing across the room. ‘ EEEEEEMMMMMMGGGGEEEEE Sweetie!’ I’m freaking out at this point. What have I gotten myself into? I’m about to be worked over by the second coming of Little Richard?
“MG introduced us and this fellow turns, points one hip at me with his hand on the other, and looks me up and down, twice. I kid you not. Then he offers up a limp wrist and says, ‘Hello there, Jack.’ I swear he made my name sound… nasty. Then he turns to MG and says ‘There’s good bones there, honey. I can fix this.’ Yeah! I mean—what the fuck?”
Babe was rocking back and forth with one leg tucked underneath him. This was the most fun he had had in a long time.
“So, ‘Esteban’ tells us to have a seat while he gets set up. I said, ‘MG, what is happening here?’ She said, ‘Relax, Jack. He’s just going to style your hair. He’s not going to grab your package. Well, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to grab your package. Shit, Jack you’re the fucking FBI, don’t you carry a Taser or a stun gun or something? Hell, I have a Taser. Do you want to borrow it? I didn’t realize I was going to have to protect you. Shit, I’m going to have to have a raise if I have to protect you from homosexuals.”
Mr. Pendleton had given up on napping and was currently licking Babe’s face, which was easy because Babe was doubled over laughing with tears streaming down his face.
“Stop! Stop. Wait a….wait…Jack. I can’t fucking breathe.”
Babe was trying to talk at the same time that he was laughing and every time he opened his mouth, Mr. Pendleton stuck his tongue in it. When Jack could stop laughing long enough to see, he pulled the puppy away.
Babe climbed slowly to his feet and wiped his eyes.
“Wait, wait, wait. I’m getting some more beers, Jack. Don’t lose our place.”
Babe returned with two beers and sat back down.
“So Esteban says he’s ready. I got up and looked at MG, who was flipping pages in some idiotic magazine like she had every intention of staying right there. I kicked her chair and gave her my ‘raised- eyebrow-you-had-better-get-your-ass- UP’ look, and she followed me into the back like I was a little boy, which I didn’t give a shit about because Esteban gave me the fucking creeps. But, I’ll be damned, twenty minutes later the sideburns were gone and I had the best looking haircut I’ve had in my life. And now I go see Esteban once a month.”
“Hell of a day, huh?” Babe asked.
“Oh, that’s not all of it. We left Esteban’s and drove to this boutique men’s store. My wallet started hemorrhaging money before we got in the door of this place. And of course everyone there knows MG. I’m thinking, ‘who the hell is this woman?’ A man and a woman start zipping all around me like horseflies. They
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