the
dresser when a slight movement in the corner of my eye arrested my
motion.
When I saw it was just Vivian, the tension in
my arms eased somewhat, but not entirely.
“ What are you doing?” she
asked.
I felt her eyes boring into my back as I
tightened the final screws. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“ You’re replacing the
brushed nickel handles with plastic ones. What I want to know is
why?” Her voice was light, but there was a slight edge to
it.
I considered ignoring her question, but what
was the point?
She wasn’t going to leave me alone until I
gave her an answer.
Closing my eyes, I concentrated on breathing.
“Every time I use the brushed nickel handles, I remember the
caskets.”
Vivian had been with me at Garcia’s funeral.
But she didn’t know about the other flag-draped caskets of the
fallen soldiers, of the men from my unit that I’d lifted into the
holds of aircrafts for their final journey home.
I glanced over my shoulder in time to see her
startled reaction.
She opened her mouth, snapped it shut, and
stared at me.
The silence between us felt unwieldy.
With a ragged sigh, I turned to face her and
said, “Look, I’m sorry. I know this is your house and your
furniture. And even though this is my room, that’s not even my
dresser. But it’s only temporary. I’ll make sure I switch out the
drawer pulls before I move out.” And I planned on moving out as
soon as I got a new job and earned a steady income. Almost every
paycheck I’d received from the army, I sent to my mom.
An Aussie at heart, Mom had moved back to
Melbourne after the divorce. When Mom left Dad, she left will
almost nothing, and I wanted to help her out as much as I
could.
“ No, no, no.” Viv
dismissed my words with a wave of her hand. “I don’t care if you
replace all the drawer pulls. And who said anything about you
moving out? As far as I’m concerned, this is your home, too, Liam.
So if there’s anything you want to change, go ahead and change it.
It doesn’t bother me. All right?” She smiled. It was a smile full
of exhaustion, sorrow, and other unreadable things.
I nodded, keeping my face schooled into an
expressionless mask.
I hated the barriers between us as much as I
understood the need.
But it was better this way.
I didn’t want her to see the volatile
emotions raging just beneath the surface.
The memories of the dead, the memories of
June eighteenth, they still burned within me like a bed of live
coals.
Another uncomfortable silence ensued.
We found little to say to each other these
days.
I didn’t know how to reach back out to
Vivian.
I didn’t know how to find my way out of the
shadows that had engulfed my life.
I felt like a bomb on a trick timer, ready to
blow at any given moment, and so I avoided Vivian as much as I
could because I didn’t want to direct my anger at her.
“ Have you talked to your
mom lately?” she asked suddenly.
“ No.” I dragged a hand
through my hair and released a heavy sigh. Mom had called me every
day, but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. We used to
Skype often, too, but not anymore.
My mom could always see right through me.
And I knew once she saw me, she’d know my
“human switch” was turned off.
Every time I turned it back on, it
illuminated a tangle of bad memories—visions of bloated corpses and
bloodied body parts, the smell of diesel fuel mixed with gunpowder
and burning flesh, and a host of other images I wanted to
forget.
That son she’d raised… he was gone. I was
gone.
I wasn’t the man she knew anymore, and I
wasn’t sure if Mom could accept that.
Hell, I wasn’t even sure if Viv could accept
that.
“ Talk to her, Liam,” she
spoke into the silence, looking at me with kindness I couldn’t
stand. “We all need family. Without family, we are
nothing.”
My gut clenched like a
dresser when a slight movement in the corner of my eye arrested my
motion.
When I saw it was just Vivian, the tension in
my arms eased somewhat, but not entirely.
“ What are you doing?” she
asked.
I felt her eyes boring into my back as I
tightened the final screws. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“ You’re replacing the
brushed nickel handles with plastic ones. What I want to know is
why?” Her voice was light, but there was a slight edge to
it.
I considered ignoring her question, but what
was the point?
She wasn’t going to leave me alone until I
gave her an answer.
Closing my eyes, I concentrated on breathing.
“Every time I use the brushed nickel handles, I remember the
caskets.”
Vivian had been with me at Garcia’s funeral.
But she didn’t know about the other flag-draped caskets of the
fallen soldiers, of the men from my unit that I’d lifted into the
holds of aircrafts for their final journey home.
I glanced over my shoulder in time to see her
startled reaction.
She opened her mouth, snapped it shut, and
stared at me.
The silence between us felt unwieldy.
With a ragged sigh, I turned to face her and
said, “Look, I’m sorry. I know this is your house and your
furniture. And even though this is my room, that’s not even my
dresser. But it’s only temporary. I’ll make sure I switch out the
drawer pulls before I move out.” And I planned on moving out as
soon as I got a new job and earned a steady income. Almost every
paycheck I’d received from the army, I sent to my mom.
An Aussie at heart, Mom had moved back to
Melbourne after the divorce. When Mom left Dad, she left will
almost nothing, and I wanted to help her out as much as I
could.
“ No, no, no.” Viv
dismissed my words with a wave of her hand. “I don’t care if you
replace all the drawer pulls. And who said anything about you
moving out? As far as I’m concerned, this is your home, too, Liam.
So if there’s anything you want to change, go ahead and change it.
It doesn’t bother me. All right?” She smiled. It was a smile full
of exhaustion, sorrow, and other unreadable things.
I nodded, keeping my face schooled into an
expressionless mask.
I hated the barriers between us as much as I
understood the need.
But it was better this way.
I didn’t want her to see the volatile
emotions raging just beneath the surface.
The memories of the dead, the memories of
June eighteenth, they still burned within me like a bed of live
coals.
Another uncomfortable silence ensued.
We found little to say to each other these
days.
I didn’t know how to reach back out to
Vivian.
I didn’t know how to find my way out of the
shadows that had engulfed my life.
I felt like a bomb on a trick timer, ready to
blow at any given moment, and so I avoided Vivian as much as I
could because I didn’t want to direct my anger at her.
“ Have you talked to your
mom lately?” she asked suddenly.
“ No.” I dragged a hand
through my hair and released a heavy sigh. Mom had called me every
day, but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. We used to
Skype often, too, but not anymore.
My mom could always see right through me.
And I knew once she saw me, she’d know my
“human switch” was turned off.
Every time I turned it back on, it
illuminated a tangle of bad memories—visions of bloated corpses and
bloodied body parts, the smell of diesel fuel mixed with gunpowder
and burning flesh, and a host of other images I wanted to
forget.
That son she’d raised… he was gone. I was
gone.
I wasn’t the man she knew anymore, and I
wasn’t sure if Mom could accept that.
Hell, I wasn’t even sure if Viv could accept
that.
“ Talk to her, Liam,” she
spoke into the silence, looking at me with kindness I couldn’t
stand. “We all need family. Without family, we are
nothing.”
My gut clenched like a
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