now.”
“I’ve got all day, Sydney. I’ve got all day to hear why it is you love this man.”
“I’m sure you know that African American families are used to being ripped apart,” spoke Sydney, angry and trembling. Gavin winced but kept up his determined game face. “Too many fathers are running away from their responsibilities and leaving their boys not knowing how to become men and their girls not knowing how they should be treated.” Sydney pointed to herself. “I’m one of those girls who didn’t have a strong black father.”
Gavin looked away for a moment, ashamed of the way he had brought Sydney’s hidden pain to the surface, but the image of Sydney smiling up at Evan was seared into his mind and he couldn’t let it go. “So every responsible black man you come across I have to deal with you praising him and appreciating him instead of me, the one who’s actually here for you?!”
“Shit Gavin! I’m not Elise!” Sydney screamed. For a long moment, the car was filled with his silence. “That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Gavin?” Sydney said in a pained whisper. “Please tell me that deep down you don’t really believe I’m like her after all these months of me spilling my guts to you.”
“I don’t…” Gavin trailed off.
“Stop wishing for this good thing we have to fall apart,” Sydney cried, “I’ve given you more than I’ve given any guy before. My trust and…and my heart. Tell me I wasn’t wrong. Tell me I didn’t waste my time.” She quickly dried her eyes and composed herself, reminding herself to stay strong and prepare for the worst: being left behind. He’d already turned on her so the only thing left was for him to finally walk out of her life.
He ran both his hands through his hair and then started the car. His hands were shaking but Sydney couldn’t tell if it was from anger, anxiety, or fear. “I, um, I have to get you home. Right now before I say some idiotic thing that neither one of us could ever forgive me for.” He turned up the rock music that was playing on the radio and drove quickly out of the parking lot and to Sydney’s house.
While he drove, Sydney saw his mouth moving. She knew he wasn’t mouthing the lyrics to the music on the radio. He was berating himself, calling himself names under his breath. That was one of the bad habits his psychiatrist had once lectured to him about. It had been a big reason why he’d become as depressed as he did. He mentally beat himself up over every mistake he made. As they drove, Sydney considered telling Gavin not to do that, but she felt so disrespected and upset in that moment that she didn’t think it a bad idea for him to call himself some names after what he’d just put her through.
Gavin finally pulled up to the front of the Lenton home. He turned the radio down, draped his left arm over the steering wheel and rested his head on it to face Sydney. His eyes were a bit red. He looked at Sydney for a moment until she looked back. “I know you’re not Elise, Sydney.”
“That’s good,” said Sydney, annoyed.
“It’s just that I can’t trust myself to trust anyone else too much. I’m afraid of being made a fool of again. I’m afraid of getting my heart stomped on again.”
She sighed. “I’m afraid to be hurt, too. However, I never allow that paranoia or jealousy to speak to you. I drive away those thoughts and I never direct them at you. If you can’t do that then I can’t be there for you. I love you, but I’m not going to be a human punching bag for you to work out your fears and your anger. You have to talk to me, not at me.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish I was as put together as you are. I’m supposed to be the man here. I’m supposed to be the rock and all I do is keep stumbling over all my stupid petty feelings. You don't have to put up with this. I'd understand if you wanted to go.”
“No, Gavin," Sydney softened. "I don't want to go and it’s not
“I’ve got all day, Sydney. I’ve got all day to hear why it is you love this man.”
“I’m sure you know that African American families are used to being ripped apart,” spoke Sydney, angry and trembling. Gavin winced but kept up his determined game face. “Too many fathers are running away from their responsibilities and leaving their boys not knowing how to become men and their girls not knowing how they should be treated.” Sydney pointed to herself. “I’m one of those girls who didn’t have a strong black father.”
Gavin looked away for a moment, ashamed of the way he had brought Sydney’s hidden pain to the surface, but the image of Sydney smiling up at Evan was seared into his mind and he couldn’t let it go. “So every responsible black man you come across I have to deal with you praising him and appreciating him instead of me, the one who’s actually here for you?!”
“Shit Gavin! I’m not Elise!” Sydney screamed. For a long moment, the car was filled with his silence. “That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Gavin?” Sydney said in a pained whisper. “Please tell me that deep down you don’t really believe I’m like her after all these months of me spilling my guts to you.”
“I don’t…” Gavin trailed off.
“Stop wishing for this good thing we have to fall apart,” Sydney cried, “I’ve given you more than I’ve given any guy before. My trust and…and my heart. Tell me I wasn’t wrong. Tell me I didn’t waste my time.” She quickly dried her eyes and composed herself, reminding herself to stay strong and prepare for the worst: being left behind. He’d already turned on her so the only thing left was for him to finally walk out of her life.
He ran both his hands through his hair and then started the car. His hands were shaking but Sydney couldn’t tell if it was from anger, anxiety, or fear. “I, um, I have to get you home. Right now before I say some idiotic thing that neither one of us could ever forgive me for.” He turned up the rock music that was playing on the radio and drove quickly out of the parking lot and to Sydney’s house.
While he drove, Sydney saw his mouth moving. She knew he wasn’t mouthing the lyrics to the music on the radio. He was berating himself, calling himself names under his breath. That was one of the bad habits his psychiatrist had once lectured to him about. It had been a big reason why he’d become as depressed as he did. He mentally beat himself up over every mistake he made. As they drove, Sydney considered telling Gavin not to do that, but she felt so disrespected and upset in that moment that she didn’t think it a bad idea for him to call himself some names after what he’d just put her through.
Gavin finally pulled up to the front of the Lenton home. He turned the radio down, draped his left arm over the steering wheel and rested his head on it to face Sydney. His eyes were a bit red. He looked at Sydney for a moment until she looked back. “I know you’re not Elise, Sydney.”
“That’s good,” said Sydney, annoyed.
“It’s just that I can’t trust myself to trust anyone else too much. I’m afraid of being made a fool of again. I’m afraid of getting my heart stomped on again.”
She sighed. “I’m afraid to be hurt, too. However, I never allow that paranoia or jealousy to speak to you. I drive away those thoughts and I never direct them at you. If you can’t do that then I can’t be there for you. I love you, but I’m not going to be a human punching bag for you to work out your fears and your anger. You have to talk to me, not at me.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish I was as put together as you are. I’m supposed to be the man here. I’m supposed to be the rock and all I do is keep stumbling over all my stupid petty feelings. You don't have to put up with this. I'd understand if you wanted to go.”
“No, Gavin," Sydney softened. "I don't want to go and it’s not
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