the top of my coat. I had been lucky to find the scarf. “Lucky,” I said to myself, and laughed.
I took a tentative step onto the ice. It was covered in a foot of snow. If the ice could support so much snow, I thought, it could support me. In my scarf, in my jacket, I was invincible.
I walked farther out onto the river. It happened there , I thought, looking in one direction. I turned. Or there. I turned again and again and again. I faced the darkness of the trees on the other side of the river. Or there.
As I turned, still looking for the site of the act, the site of my conception, I grew dizzy. I heard wobbling sounds above me, around me, in my head. My ears were so alert I could hear sound waves. Bolts of light shot across the night. I collapsed onto the frozen river, my eyes staring up at the crackling sky. It was lit like an aquarium.
I tried to use my hands to push myself up to a sitting position. They slipped on the ice. Something was wrong with me. I felt weak and energetic at the same time. I could knock down a house with my bare hands if I wanted to. I could scream and crack open the sky. I laughed at the thought. Beneath my head, the ice felt as hot as lava.
This Is How to Prove a �
Reindeer Belongs to You �
1.
A man in a red jacket was squatting down beside me. He took off a glove and reached for my face. I blocked his hand with my arm.
“Nej,” he said. “Nej, nej.” He put his fingers to his forehead.
He’d been trying to feel my temperature.
He turned his head toward a shape, another figure. My legs tensed, and I took in a quick breath. Then I heard a woman’s voice. She knelt and looked into me, a befuddled expression on her face. They took turns talking to me, one sentence at a time. “I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t understand.” It was only then
that I knew where I was.
“English?” the woman said to me. “American,” I said.
“Yes, but you speak English?” “English, yes,” I said.
I felt hands behind my back, propping me up. “Water,” the woman said, and a moment later, cold liquid filled my mouth. I choked before asking for more.
They spoke quickly to each other. Sami. Lifting me to my feet, they placed their arms around my shoulders, palms on my elbows, and walked me in the direction of a car. The brown one I’d seen parked by the river earlier.
“What time?” I said.
“Five in the morning,” said the woman.
They put me in the front seat and turned on the heater. My hands and nose itched from the hot air. “Enough,” I said. “No.”
“Where are you staying?” the woman asked.
“The field house,” I said, proud that I remembered. Relieved that they seemed to understand. I gathered that the man was Ailo, and that he wasn’t as confident of his English as the woman. Janne.
Janne drove, and Ailo sat in the backseat. I tried to stay awake, but my head was dense. I looked out the window. I thought we’d been driving for an hour, but we weren’t yet up the hill. The tires of the car seemed airless. We were too low to the ground.
I unbuckled my belt. My head pulsed. I reached up to remove the rubber band that I was sure I had fastened too tight, but there wasn’t one—my hair was loose. My head pulsed harder. I had the terrifying sensation that everything coming back to me now— Eero wasn’t my father ; my mother had been raped —might be true.
We parked outside the field house, and Ailo ventured out to
open the front door. It was locked. He returned to the car and discussed the situation with Janne. I interpreted coffee , I interpreted hospital . I understood that Ailo was more concerned about me than Janne was. He was for the hospital, while she was advocating food.
“Are you hungry?” Janne asked.
“Yes,” I said. I wasn’t sure if I was hungry, but I didn’t want them to leave me. He was gentle; I liked the way he unscrewed the water bottle each time I wanted to take a sip. She was determined—you could see her
I took a tentative step onto the ice. It was covered in a foot of snow. If the ice could support so much snow, I thought, it could support me. In my scarf, in my jacket, I was invincible.
I walked farther out onto the river. It happened there , I thought, looking in one direction. I turned. Or there. I turned again and again and again. I faced the darkness of the trees on the other side of the river. Or there.
As I turned, still looking for the site of the act, the site of my conception, I grew dizzy. I heard wobbling sounds above me, around me, in my head. My ears were so alert I could hear sound waves. Bolts of light shot across the night. I collapsed onto the frozen river, my eyes staring up at the crackling sky. It was lit like an aquarium.
I tried to use my hands to push myself up to a sitting position. They slipped on the ice. Something was wrong with me. I felt weak and energetic at the same time. I could knock down a house with my bare hands if I wanted to. I could scream and crack open the sky. I laughed at the thought. Beneath my head, the ice felt as hot as lava.
This Is How to Prove a �
Reindeer Belongs to You �
1.
A man in a red jacket was squatting down beside me. He took off a glove and reached for my face. I blocked his hand with my arm.
“Nej,” he said. “Nej, nej.” He put his fingers to his forehead.
He’d been trying to feel my temperature.
He turned his head toward a shape, another figure. My legs tensed, and I took in a quick breath. Then I heard a woman’s voice. She knelt and looked into me, a befuddled expression on her face. They took turns talking to me, one sentence at a time. “I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t understand.” It was only then
that I knew where I was.
“English?” the woman said to me. “American,” I said.
“Yes, but you speak English?” “English, yes,” I said.
I felt hands behind my back, propping me up. “Water,” the woman said, and a moment later, cold liquid filled my mouth. I choked before asking for more.
They spoke quickly to each other. Sami. Lifting me to my feet, they placed their arms around my shoulders, palms on my elbows, and walked me in the direction of a car. The brown one I’d seen parked by the river earlier.
“What time?” I said.
“Five in the morning,” said the woman.
They put me in the front seat and turned on the heater. My hands and nose itched from the hot air. “Enough,” I said. “No.”
“Where are you staying?” the woman asked.
“The field house,” I said, proud that I remembered. Relieved that they seemed to understand. I gathered that the man was Ailo, and that he wasn’t as confident of his English as the woman. Janne.
Janne drove, and Ailo sat in the backseat. I tried to stay awake, but my head was dense. I looked out the window. I thought we’d been driving for an hour, but we weren’t yet up the hill. The tires of the car seemed airless. We were too low to the ground.
I unbuckled my belt. My head pulsed. I reached up to remove the rubber band that I was sure I had fastened too tight, but there wasn’t one—my hair was loose. My head pulsed harder. I had the terrifying sensation that everything coming back to me now— Eero wasn’t my father ; my mother had been raped —might be true.
We parked outside the field house, and Ailo ventured out to
open the front door. It was locked. He returned to the car and discussed the situation with Janne. I interpreted coffee , I interpreted hospital . I understood that Ailo was more concerned about me than Janne was. He was for the hospital, while she was advocating food.
“Are you hungry?” Janne asked.
“Yes,” I said. I wasn’t sure if I was hungry, but I didn’t want them to leave me. He was gentle; I liked the way he unscrewed the water bottle each time I wanted to take a sip. She was determined—you could see her
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