to your senses yet, Anne? Do you have any idea how much you’ve hurt and disappointed me?”
Annie didn’t look up at Susan. “I told her I have a job. I started to tell her about my art classes, but she hung up.”
“Oh, Annie . . .” A glint of anger stirred in her friend’s dark eyes. “Anytime you want to be adopted, just let me know. My parents love you.”
Annie blinked back tears and looked down at the map. She adored Susan’s parents, but no one could replace her mother. She wished things were different. She wished her mother could love her as unconditionally as the Carters loved their children. None of them were perfect. Two had been in and out of trouble through their teen years. Susan’s older brother, Sam, had even spent a couple of months in juvenile hall. Tough love and patience had turned him around. Susan had been talking about him yesterday.
“He’s graduating this June. Can you believe it? He was such a reprobate! We’d all given up on him, but Mom and Dad said he’d come around in God’s own time. And he sure did. Not that he doesn’t still like to rock the boat. . . .” Sam. The wild one. “James Dean’s reincarnation,” Susan had once said. “The raging bull of the family, and full of it, too. . . .”
Annie looked at the map again, going over the route she had traced with her highlighter. “My mother’s all right, Suzie. She just wants what she thinks is best for me.” But did her mother love her? Annie realized part of her own drive to do well had been the hope that she would please her mother. What if she hadn’t gotten a 4.0 GPA? What if she hadn’t played piano for the Ladies’ Guild as her mother had promised she would?
And yet every time she did well at something, there was always another task set before her, something a little higher, a little harder. High school honors classes. Peer counseling. Summers of community service. SAT tests. The first scores hadn’t been high enough, so her mother had her tutored before retaking them. Finally scholarship and college applications. And then the pot at the end of the rainbow her mother had been chasing for her: Wellesley. “All those rich girls from all those important families. Think of what your future could be, Annie!”
Annie knew she had panicked. Just the thought of what lay ahead had scared her enough to make her run. She felt she couldn’t breathe anymore. The pressure of her mother’s expectations had been crushing her. Each time she pleased her mother, the situation had grown worse, not better. Her mother would view the success with pride and see “the possibilities,” leading to further demands and expectations.
“Think how much more you could’ve done, Annie, if only you’d tried a little harder. If I’d had your opportunities . . .”
Annie knew no matter what she did, it would never be enough.
Or was she just trying to excuse herself for running out?
Dropping her highlighter, she rested her head on her crossed arms. Lord, am I a quitter like my mother said? Am I a coward? Am I afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it at a real college?
“You’re just like your grandma Leota!”
She could still see the look in her mother’s eyes when she had said it.
“Annie?” Susan said softly. “You okay?”
“I’m okay.” She rubbed her forehead. “I’m just trying to put all the pieces together.”
“Maybe you should just walk away. Give her time.”
Annie looked up, stricken. She knew Susan didn’t care much for her mother. Nora Gaines had never done anything to make Susan feel welcome. Sometimes she wouldn’t even take the message when Susan called. “ That girl,” she always said in that certain tone she could take on, as though Susan carried some kind of social disease. “Why don’t you cultivate a friendship with Laura Danvers. She comes from a good family.” Which, of course, meant a family with wealth and social standing . . . someone else who lived inside the
Annie didn’t look up at Susan. “I told her I have a job. I started to tell her about my art classes, but she hung up.”
“Oh, Annie . . .” A glint of anger stirred in her friend’s dark eyes. “Anytime you want to be adopted, just let me know. My parents love you.”
Annie blinked back tears and looked down at the map. She adored Susan’s parents, but no one could replace her mother. She wished things were different. She wished her mother could love her as unconditionally as the Carters loved their children. None of them were perfect. Two had been in and out of trouble through their teen years. Susan’s older brother, Sam, had even spent a couple of months in juvenile hall. Tough love and patience had turned him around. Susan had been talking about him yesterday.
“He’s graduating this June. Can you believe it? He was such a reprobate! We’d all given up on him, but Mom and Dad said he’d come around in God’s own time. And he sure did. Not that he doesn’t still like to rock the boat. . . .” Sam. The wild one. “James Dean’s reincarnation,” Susan had once said. “The raging bull of the family, and full of it, too. . . .”
Annie looked at the map again, going over the route she had traced with her highlighter. “My mother’s all right, Suzie. She just wants what she thinks is best for me.” But did her mother love her? Annie realized part of her own drive to do well had been the hope that she would please her mother. What if she hadn’t gotten a 4.0 GPA? What if she hadn’t played piano for the Ladies’ Guild as her mother had promised she would?
And yet every time she did well at something, there was always another task set before her, something a little higher, a little harder. High school honors classes. Peer counseling. Summers of community service. SAT tests. The first scores hadn’t been high enough, so her mother had her tutored before retaking them. Finally scholarship and college applications. And then the pot at the end of the rainbow her mother had been chasing for her: Wellesley. “All those rich girls from all those important families. Think of what your future could be, Annie!”
Annie knew she had panicked. Just the thought of what lay ahead had scared her enough to make her run. She felt she couldn’t breathe anymore. The pressure of her mother’s expectations had been crushing her. Each time she pleased her mother, the situation had grown worse, not better. Her mother would view the success with pride and see “the possibilities,” leading to further demands and expectations.
“Think how much more you could’ve done, Annie, if only you’d tried a little harder. If I’d had your opportunities . . .”
Annie knew no matter what she did, it would never be enough.
Or was she just trying to excuse herself for running out?
Dropping her highlighter, she rested her head on her crossed arms. Lord, am I a quitter like my mother said? Am I a coward? Am I afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it at a real college?
“You’re just like your grandma Leota!”
She could still see the look in her mother’s eyes when she had said it.
“Annie?” Susan said softly. “You okay?”
“I’m okay.” She rubbed her forehead. “I’m just trying to put all the pieces together.”
“Maybe you should just walk away. Give her time.”
Annie looked up, stricken. She knew Susan didn’t care much for her mother. Nora Gaines had never done anything to make Susan feel welcome. Sometimes she wouldn’t even take the message when Susan called. “ That girl,” she always said in that certain tone she could take on, as though Susan carried some kind of social disease. “Why don’t you cultivate a friendship with Laura Danvers. She comes from a good family.” Which, of course, meant a family with wealth and social standing . . . someone else who lived inside the
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