with his son, even though it was one that he wouldn’t have accepted for himself and would, in Pat’s place, have shrugged off. But now he was thinking of what Martin hoped for. Incidentally, where would Pat propose to live? The studio, where he had conscientiously worked at his painting, would be lost along with the Chelsea flat. But there Charles showed a spark of the irony which had for the past half-hour deserted him. He admitted that even he couldn’t pretend that Pat was not a born survivor.
10: Possible Heavens
THROUGH the following days and weeks, right into the early summer, there was plenty of toing and froing – the bread and butter of a family trouble, trivial to anyone outside – of which I heard only at second or third hand. I knew that Pat had been to see Margaret two or three times, begging her to intercede, or, in his own phrase, ‘tell her I’m not so bad’. Margaret had, I guessed, been kind and taken the edge off her tongue: but certainly she had told him there was nothing she could do.
Charles spent several evenings with both Muriel and Pat, but kept the secrets to himself, or at least from his mother and me. All I learned was that at one stage he invoked Maurice, at home for a weekend from the hospital. The two of them, and Pat’s sister Nina, now studying music in London, met in Charles’ room at our flat, and I believed that Maurice, who had an influence over his contemporaries, went out to make a plea, though to which of them I didn’t know. One day Martin telephoned me, saying that he was in London and was having a conference with the Schiffs: he made an excuse for not coming to see me afterwards. That was a matter of pride, and it was just as I might have behaved myself.
On an afternoon early in June, I took Charles with me on one of my routine visits to his grandfather. In the taxi, I was warning Charles that he wasn’t going to enjoy it: this wouldn’t be like his last sight of my own father, comic in his own eyes, happy in his stuffy little room. He had been stoical because be didn’t know any other way to be: while Austin Davidson was putting on the face of stoicism, but – without confessing it to anyone round him – was dying, but bitterly. I was warning Charles: in secret I was preparing myself for the next hour. For, though those visits might have seemed a drill by now, I couldn’t get used to them. The cool words I had trained myself to, in reply to Davidson’s, like rallies in a game of ping-pong: but there hadn’t been one single visit when, as soon as I got out of the clinic into the undemanding air, I didn’t feel liberated; as though solitariness and an inadmissible boredom, by the side of someone I admired, had been lifted from me. That was as true or truer, nearly a year later, as when I first saw him after his attempt at death.
In the sunny green-reflecting bedroom, Austin Davidson was in the familiar posture, head and shoulders on high pillows, looking straight in front of him, feet and ankles bare. He didn’t turn his eyes, as the door opened. I said: ‘I’ve brought Carlo to see you.’
‘Oh, have you?’
He looked round, and slowly from under the sheet drew out a thin hand, on which stood out the veins and freckles of old age. As Charles took it, he said: ‘How are you, grandpa?’
Davidson produced a good imitation – perhaps it was more than that – of his old Mephistophelian smile.
‘Well, Carlo, you wouldn’t want me to tell you a lie, would you?’
Their eyes met. They each had the same kind of cheekbones. Even now, it was easy to see what Davidson had looked like as a young man. But, though I might be imagining it, I thought his face had become puffier these last few weeks; some of the bone structure, handsome until he was old, was being smeared out now.
Charles gave a smile, a smile of recognition, in return.
‘Also,’ said Davidson, ‘you wouldn’t like me to give you an honest answer either, don’t you
10: Possible Heavens
THROUGH the following days and weeks, right into the early summer, there was plenty of toing and froing – the bread and butter of a family trouble, trivial to anyone outside – of which I heard only at second or third hand. I knew that Pat had been to see Margaret two or three times, begging her to intercede, or, in his own phrase, ‘tell her I’m not so bad’. Margaret had, I guessed, been kind and taken the edge off her tongue: but certainly she had told him there was nothing she could do.
Charles spent several evenings with both Muriel and Pat, but kept the secrets to himself, or at least from his mother and me. All I learned was that at one stage he invoked Maurice, at home for a weekend from the hospital. The two of them, and Pat’s sister Nina, now studying music in London, met in Charles’ room at our flat, and I believed that Maurice, who had an influence over his contemporaries, went out to make a plea, though to which of them I didn’t know. One day Martin telephoned me, saying that he was in London and was having a conference with the Schiffs: he made an excuse for not coming to see me afterwards. That was a matter of pride, and it was just as I might have behaved myself.
On an afternoon early in June, I took Charles with me on one of my routine visits to his grandfather. In the taxi, I was warning Charles that he wasn’t going to enjoy it: this wouldn’t be like his last sight of my own father, comic in his own eyes, happy in his stuffy little room. He had been stoical because be didn’t know any other way to be: while Austin Davidson was putting on the face of stoicism, but – without confessing it to anyone round him – was dying, but bitterly. I was warning Charles: in secret I was preparing myself for the next hour. For, though those visits might have seemed a drill by now, I couldn’t get used to them. The cool words I had trained myself to, in reply to Davidson’s, like rallies in a game of ping-pong: but there hadn’t been one single visit when, as soon as I got out of the clinic into the undemanding air, I didn’t feel liberated; as though solitariness and an inadmissible boredom, by the side of someone I admired, had been lifted from me. That was as true or truer, nearly a year later, as when I first saw him after his attempt at death.
In the sunny green-reflecting bedroom, Austin Davidson was in the familiar posture, head and shoulders on high pillows, looking straight in front of him, feet and ankles bare. He didn’t turn his eyes, as the door opened. I said: ‘I’ve brought Carlo to see you.’
‘Oh, have you?’
He looked round, and slowly from under the sheet drew out a thin hand, on which stood out the veins and freckles of old age. As Charles took it, he said: ‘How are you, grandpa?’
Davidson produced a good imitation – perhaps it was more than that – of his old Mephistophelian smile.
‘Well, Carlo, you wouldn’t want me to tell you a lie, would you?’
Their eyes met. They each had the same kind of cheekbones. Even now, it was easy to see what Davidson had looked like as a young man. But, though I might be imagining it, I thought his face had become puffier these last few weeks; some of the bone structure, handsome until he was old, was being smeared out now.
Charles gave a smile, a smile of recognition, in return.
‘Also,’ said Davidson, ‘you wouldn’t like me to give you an honest answer either, don’t you