Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz Page A
Authors: Benjamin Alire Sáenz
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clients having sharpies. Look, if you’re not a windshield, you’re pretty safe around people like me.
I’m trying to do the work. And, really, I think that Rafael’s journal entries have become part of my therapy. I mean the guy writes really beautiful things. I mean it. He tears me up to shreds. Rafael’s thinking is very, well, you know, it’s thoughtful. The guy writes screenplays for a living and that’s very cool, but I’m thinking that Rafael is some kind of poet—just like Mr. Garcia. I’m trying to learn from him. And this is not a bad thing.
Yesterday, when I was alone in Cabin 9, my feet took me over to Rafael’s desk. There were a couple of sketches on his desk that wereprobably going to become paintings. I reached over and began leafing through Rafael’s journal. I found this very cool story about his monster:
The Boy and the Monster
1.
The boy is reading to the monster. He is like Scheherezade. He will read a story every night—read and read until the monster falls asleep. And the boy will live one more day. He will live this way forever.
2.
The boy’s name is Rafael. He is seven. He could be five or six or eight. But right now, he is seven. When he grows up, he will become a writer, though no one suspects this—not even the boy.
There will be many monsters in the stories he will write.
3.
The boy reads the story of his life to the monster but he leaves certain things out of the story. He is afraid of making the monster angry. If the monster gets angry, something very bad will happen. The boy decides that the monster prefers happy stories about happy boys so the boy makes up a happy story about himself. He becomes an expert at telling happy stories. He is certain the monster likes the stories. He is certain.
4.
As the boy grows older, the monster comes to him—mostly at night. The monster is insatiable for stories. The boy, who is now almost a man—but who remains a boy—keeps telling stories to make the monster happy. Somewhere inside of him, the man who is still a boy knows that the monster will never be happy.
But he continues reading the stories he writes for the monster.
5.
Sometimes, Rafael doesn’t feel like reading his stories to the monster. He is tired. There are nights when the monster stays away, and he thinks or hopes or wants to believe that the monster has gone away forever. Sometimes the monster stays away for weeks and months and Rafael starts to believe that he is free. He prays that the monster is dead.
But the monster always comes back.
6.
The boy has now become a man (but is really still a boy). Reading to the monster is driving him insane. He begins to drink. He has always liked drinking but now the drinking has become his consolation. He drinks and drinks as he reads his stories to the monster. He knows now that he has always hated the monster. He wonders what would happen if the monster discovered the truth. He feels as if his heart is on fire. The hurt is becoming impossible to bear.
But the drink is good and helps him get through the story when the monster comes.
7.
Rafael, the man who is still a boy, is starting to get old. His hair is turning white and he wears the look of a man who has learned how to whisper the word suffering as if it were a prayer. He has forgotten words like happiness and joy. He laughs but the laughter is hollow. Only the tears are real.
He wonders why he has a monster. He wonders why he has surrendered to him.
8.
He thinks to himself: What would happen if I stopped reading to the monster? What would happen if I read him a real story—a story abouta boy who was damaged and hurt and kept wounds in his body like treasure? What would the monster think about that story? What would the monster say if I told him, I don’t want to tell you any more stories about boys. I want to tell you a story about Rafael who wants to cross the border and enter a country called manhood. It is a hard and difficult and beautiful country. Do you
I’m trying to do the work. And, really, I think that Rafael’s journal entries have become part of my therapy. I mean the guy writes really beautiful things. I mean it. He tears me up to shreds. Rafael’s thinking is very, well, you know, it’s thoughtful. The guy writes screenplays for a living and that’s very cool, but I’m thinking that Rafael is some kind of poet—just like Mr. Garcia. I’m trying to learn from him. And this is not a bad thing.
Yesterday, when I was alone in Cabin 9, my feet took me over to Rafael’s desk. There were a couple of sketches on his desk that wereprobably going to become paintings. I reached over and began leafing through Rafael’s journal. I found this very cool story about his monster:
The Boy and the Monster
1.
The boy is reading to the monster. He is like Scheherezade. He will read a story every night—read and read until the monster falls asleep. And the boy will live one more day. He will live this way forever.
2.
The boy’s name is Rafael. He is seven. He could be five or six or eight. But right now, he is seven. When he grows up, he will become a writer, though no one suspects this—not even the boy.
There will be many monsters in the stories he will write.
3.
The boy reads the story of his life to the monster but he leaves certain things out of the story. He is afraid of making the monster angry. If the monster gets angry, something very bad will happen. The boy decides that the monster prefers happy stories about happy boys so the boy makes up a happy story about himself. He becomes an expert at telling happy stories. He is certain the monster likes the stories. He is certain.
4.
As the boy grows older, the monster comes to him—mostly at night. The monster is insatiable for stories. The boy, who is now almost a man—but who remains a boy—keeps telling stories to make the monster happy. Somewhere inside of him, the man who is still a boy knows that the monster will never be happy.
But he continues reading the stories he writes for the monster.
5.
Sometimes, Rafael doesn’t feel like reading his stories to the monster. He is tired. There are nights when the monster stays away, and he thinks or hopes or wants to believe that the monster has gone away forever. Sometimes the monster stays away for weeks and months and Rafael starts to believe that he is free. He prays that the monster is dead.
But the monster always comes back.
6.
The boy has now become a man (but is really still a boy). Reading to the monster is driving him insane. He begins to drink. He has always liked drinking but now the drinking has become his consolation. He drinks and drinks as he reads his stories to the monster. He knows now that he has always hated the monster. He wonders what would happen if the monster discovered the truth. He feels as if his heart is on fire. The hurt is becoming impossible to bear.
But the drink is good and helps him get through the story when the monster comes.
7.
Rafael, the man who is still a boy, is starting to get old. His hair is turning white and he wears the look of a man who has learned how to whisper the word suffering as if it were a prayer. He has forgotten words like happiness and joy. He laughs but the laughter is hollow. Only the tears are real.
He wonders why he has a monster. He wonders why he has surrendered to him.
8.
He thinks to himself: What would happen if I stopped reading to the monster? What would happen if I read him a real story—a story abouta boy who was damaged and hurt and kept wounds in his body like treasure? What would the monster think about that story? What would the monster say if I told him, I don’t want to tell you any more stories about boys. I want to tell you a story about Rafael who wants to cross the border and enter a country called manhood. It is a hard and difficult and beautiful country. Do you
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