remember my girlfriend asking me, “Hey, Kris, can you go upstairs and get me the music player from the hall closet?”
I went running upstairs to get it, because I knew the house really well. Ryan followed, running right upstairs behind me. I turned around. “Oh, hey, Ryan,” I said, grabbing the music player. Then BOOM. He kissed me . . . and I kissed him back.
What the fuck?
I thought.
That kiss was more than amazing; it was like a revival, a resuscitation, an awakening from some long, deep, unconscious sleep. I hadn’t been kissed like that in ten years. It made me feel young, attractive, sexy, and alive. Along with these feelings came a wave of nausea. I actually wanted to throw up at the same time. Because it dawned on me that I had not felt that way with Robert for years.
I ran downstairs. Nothing else happened that night. But I started thinking about it. About him. I doubted myself. I didn’t want to cheat on anyone. I was a Christian girl who loved the Lord and had four beautiful children and a perfect husband and a perfect home and family. I had a lifestyle that nobody would ever dream of throwing away. More important, I was married to one of the best guys in the entire world.
I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I had these feelings inside that had been brewing for a long time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I felt like a fuckup because I couldn’t get my marriage together . . .
and for absolutely no good reason.
I wasn’t married to an ax murderer. I wasn’t married to a cheater. A lot of people had a lot of problems in their marriages, and I did not have a single one except for my own feelings of being unfulfilled.
There wasn’t anyone I felt I could turn to; I didn’t think anyone would understand. I was too embarrassed to go to any of my friends and tell them what was going on. Instead, I lied to them, lied to my best friends in the whole world. I felt like a freak, like something had to be wrong with me. I didn’t think anybody would understand what I was feeling.
Except maybe Ryan.
It wasn’t long before he called me and I said I would see him. He had an apartment in Studio City. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were kissing again and not stopping this time. The next thing I knew I was in his bed with the sheets flying. As it had been with the first kiss, I felt like I was being awakened from a long and deep sleep. The difference between the kiss at the party and this one was that the next time I opened my eyes, I was in the middle of a raging affair. Wild crazy sex all the time, sex everywhere we could think of. We had sex in cars, sex on the tennis court, sex in the pool house, sex in the garage when we got home, sex up and down the stairs, sex everywhere, all the time. It was out of control, crazy, dangerous. Wild. Just like that movie with Diane Lane and Richard Gere and Olivier Martinez,
Unfaithful.
Or in my case,
Unfulfilled.
Until now.
All I wanted to do was spend my time with Ryan.
Again, it was as if I’d been abducted and thrust into another world. I had spent my entire life so proud, especially of having what I’ve always considered to be the best job in the world: being a mom. I was the Brownie leader, the soccer coach. I was the one who always had the pool parties, the
everything
parties. I couldn’t wait for Easter, when we would take all the kids down to Palm Springs and have a huge Easter egg hunt, the Christmas parties, the
Snow White
–themed birthday extravaganzas, and the endless trips to Disneyland. One time, I was the Brownie leader and insteadof camping, I decided to take the whole troop of Brownies down to SeaWorld.
I wanted my kids to have a fantasy childhood. It was just so much fun being their mom. I would spend way too much time shopping for my girls and making sure they had matching dresses with big bows in their hair. Every time a new show came to the Forum—
Sesame Street On Ice
or the
Ice Capades
—we would all go.
I went running upstairs to get it, because I knew the house really well. Ryan followed, running right upstairs behind me. I turned around. “Oh, hey, Ryan,” I said, grabbing the music player. Then BOOM. He kissed me . . . and I kissed him back.
What the fuck?
I thought.
That kiss was more than amazing; it was like a revival, a resuscitation, an awakening from some long, deep, unconscious sleep. I hadn’t been kissed like that in ten years. It made me feel young, attractive, sexy, and alive. Along with these feelings came a wave of nausea. I actually wanted to throw up at the same time. Because it dawned on me that I had not felt that way with Robert for years.
I ran downstairs. Nothing else happened that night. But I started thinking about it. About him. I doubted myself. I didn’t want to cheat on anyone. I was a Christian girl who loved the Lord and had four beautiful children and a perfect husband and a perfect home and family. I had a lifestyle that nobody would ever dream of throwing away. More important, I was married to one of the best guys in the entire world.
I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I had these feelings inside that had been brewing for a long time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I felt like a fuckup because I couldn’t get my marriage together . . .
and for absolutely no good reason.
I wasn’t married to an ax murderer. I wasn’t married to a cheater. A lot of people had a lot of problems in their marriages, and I did not have a single one except for my own feelings of being unfulfilled.
There wasn’t anyone I felt I could turn to; I didn’t think anyone would understand. I was too embarrassed to go to any of my friends and tell them what was going on. Instead, I lied to them, lied to my best friends in the whole world. I felt like a freak, like something had to be wrong with me. I didn’t think anybody would understand what I was feeling.
Except maybe Ryan.
It wasn’t long before he called me and I said I would see him. He had an apartment in Studio City. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were kissing again and not stopping this time. The next thing I knew I was in his bed with the sheets flying. As it had been with the first kiss, I felt like I was being awakened from a long and deep sleep. The difference between the kiss at the party and this one was that the next time I opened my eyes, I was in the middle of a raging affair. Wild crazy sex all the time, sex everywhere we could think of. We had sex in cars, sex on the tennis court, sex in the pool house, sex in the garage when we got home, sex up and down the stairs, sex everywhere, all the time. It was out of control, crazy, dangerous. Wild. Just like that movie with Diane Lane and Richard Gere and Olivier Martinez,
Unfaithful.
Or in my case,
Unfulfilled.
Until now.
All I wanted to do was spend my time with Ryan.
Again, it was as if I’d been abducted and thrust into another world. I had spent my entire life so proud, especially of having what I’ve always considered to be the best job in the world: being a mom. I was the Brownie leader, the soccer coach. I was the one who always had the pool parties, the
everything
parties. I couldn’t wait for Easter, when we would take all the kids down to Palm Springs and have a huge Easter egg hunt, the Christmas parties, the
Snow White
–themed birthday extravaganzas, and the endless trips to Disneyland. One time, I was the Brownie leader and insteadof camping, I decided to take the whole troop of Brownies down to SeaWorld.
I wanted my kids to have a fantasy childhood. It was just so much fun being their mom. I would spend way too much time shopping for my girls and making sure they had matching dresses with big bows in their hair. Every time a new show came to the Forum—
Sesame Street On Ice
or the
Ice Capades
—we would all go.
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