strong than skinny, and to that end, I avoided glossy mags. I was about to return it when the splashy line on the cover caught my eye: “First Date Fears? Make Yourself Sweet and Sassy so He’ll Love You Forever.” Was it a sign, an arrow piercing a red heart, pointing from Johnny to me? I paid for the magazine, stashing it under my arm so no one would see me with it.
Once home, some quality pet time was my first order of business. I walked Luna the half mile to the mailbox and back, reminding her every few feet that she was a good dog. She needed that constant reinforcement. Tiger Pop, on the other hand, followed discreetly behind us, sticking to the shade and just coincidentally going the same direction. Back at the double-wide, I scratched them both behind their ears and refilled their water bowls, again adding ice. I hopped into the shower to cool off. The clear and cool water felt great cutting through the dirt and sweat coating me from the day’s exertions.
I stepped out and bandaged my knees, clean but sore from the RV dive, and made myself a light snack of sliced gouda cheese and apples. I pulled out the Cosmo to read while my hair dried. The “First Date Fears?” article was on page 217, sandwiched between an ad for perfume and an ad for diamonds. I clearly was not their target audience.
OK, you’ve been chasing Mr. Dreamboat for weeks, and you’ve finally caught him! Now what do you do? Make yourself sweet and sassy of course! Don’t waste your time or his by showing up to this date less than fantabulous. Follow these five easy steps to make the night magically memorable. And who knows? It just might lead to marriage:
1. Rinse your hair with egg and beer. It’ll make it shiny, shimmery, and irresistible! Trust us when we tell you he won’t be able to keep his hands off of it.
2. Paint your lips red. This will incite his animal instincts and draw attention to what you are saying. Make sure you ask him lots of questions about himself!
3 . Dab a little vanilla oil behind each ear. A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and you just might be the tastiest treat he’ll eat!
4. Actually, most women aren’t as tasty and fresh as they’d like to be. To “sweeten the pot” once you’ve drawn him in, drink at least four cups of pineapple juice before you two decide to get jiggy. It’ll keep him coming back for more!
5. And finally, don’t eat anything that can get stuck in your teeth. Stick to low-fat, low-carb, leaf-free dishes like carrots, boiled chicken, and lean steak. When he smiles at you, he doesn’t want to see the broccoli smiling back!
I threw the magazine down, disgusted. Women had earned the right to vote in 1920 and eighty years later had apparently traded it in for the freedom to be cute. I walked over to the fridge for some cold water and saw the can of Miller Lite in the back, a leftover from Sunny’s tenure. Next to that was a carton with a half dozen brown eggs. I looked from Cosmo back to the inside of my fridge. Well, there was nothing wrong with having shiny hair, I told myself. And I wouldn’t be doing it for Johnny, I’d be doing it for me.
I grabbed an egg and the beer, cracked both, and whipped them together in a bowl. I leaned my head over the kitchen sink and poured the slimy, fizzy mess onto my nearly dry hair. The article hadn’t mentioned how long to leave it in, so I stayed put for eleven—my lucky number—minutes. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I turned on the tap and rinsed out the glop until the water ran clear, and then bundled it up in a towel turban on my head.
In for a penny, in for a pound. I rummaged through my make-up drawer and finally came up with some crusty old rouge that I dabbed on my lips. It was more liver pink than lover red, but hopefully wherever we were eating would be poorly lit. I had less luck finding vanilla oil. As a compromise, I grabbed the bottle of 100% vanilla extract from my spice rack and dabbed a little on
Once home, some quality pet time was my first order of business. I walked Luna the half mile to the mailbox and back, reminding her every few feet that she was a good dog. She needed that constant reinforcement. Tiger Pop, on the other hand, followed discreetly behind us, sticking to the shade and just coincidentally going the same direction. Back at the double-wide, I scratched them both behind their ears and refilled their water bowls, again adding ice. I hopped into the shower to cool off. The clear and cool water felt great cutting through the dirt and sweat coating me from the day’s exertions.
I stepped out and bandaged my knees, clean but sore from the RV dive, and made myself a light snack of sliced gouda cheese and apples. I pulled out the Cosmo to read while my hair dried. The “First Date Fears?” article was on page 217, sandwiched between an ad for perfume and an ad for diamonds. I clearly was not their target audience.
OK, you’ve been chasing Mr. Dreamboat for weeks, and you’ve finally caught him! Now what do you do? Make yourself sweet and sassy of course! Don’t waste your time or his by showing up to this date less than fantabulous. Follow these five easy steps to make the night magically memorable. And who knows? It just might lead to marriage:
1. Rinse your hair with egg and beer. It’ll make it shiny, shimmery, and irresistible! Trust us when we tell you he won’t be able to keep his hands off of it.
2. Paint your lips red. This will incite his animal instincts and draw attention to what you are saying. Make sure you ask him lots of questions about himself!
3 . Dab a little vanilla oil behind each ear. A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and you just might be the tastiest treat he’ll eat!
4. Actually, most women aren’t as tasty and fresh as they’d like to be. To “sweeten the pot” once you’ve drawn him in, drink at least four cups of pineapple juice before you two decide to get jiggy. It’ll keep him coming back for more!
5. And finally, don’t eat anything that can get stuck in your teeth. Stick to low-fat, low-carb, leaf-free dishes like carrots, boiled chicken, and lean steak. When he smiles at you, he doesn’t want to see the broccoli smiling back!
I threw the magazine down, disgusted. Women had earned the right to vote in 1920 and eighty years later had apparently traded it in for the freedom to be cute. I walked over to the fridge for some cold water and saw the can of Miller Lite in the back, a leftover from Sunny’s tenure. Next to that was a carton with a half dozen brown eggs. I looked from Cosmo back to the inside of my fridge. Well, there was nothing wrong with having shiny hair, I told myself. And I wouldn’t be doing it for Johnny, I’d be doing it for me.
I grabbed an egg and the beer, cracked both, and whipped them together in a bowl. I leaned my head over the kitchen sink and poured the slimy, fizzy mess onto my nearly dry hair. The article hadn’t mentioned how long to leave it in, so I stayed put for eleven—my lucky number—minutes. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I turned on the tap and rinsed out the glop until the water ran clear, and then bundled it up in a towel turban on my head.
In for a penny, in for a pound. I rummaged through my make-up drawer and finally came up with some crusty old rouge that I dabbed on my lips. It was more liver pink than lover red, but hopefully wherever we were eating would be poorly lit. I had less luck finding vanilla oil. As a compromise, I grabbed the bottle of 100% vanilla extract from my spice rack and dabbed a little on
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