love you mostest.”
I got off the phone in tears. I loved Nathaniel and Micah, so much. There was no guilt there. We made each other happy. Cynric should have been with someone who loved him the way I loved them. The way I loved Jean-Claude. Hell, the way I loved Asher, or Nicky, or even Jason. He shouldn’t have had to compromise for a relationship that got him great sex, and even love of a kind, but I didn’t think I’d ever be
in love
with Cynric. He deserved someone who would feel for him what he seemed to feel for me, didn’t he? Didn’t everyone? I wasn’t sure I could give that to him, and the fact that he’d stood there and heard the three of us say our cute little trio of
I love you, I love you more, I love you most, I love you mostest
, which was just ours, made my chest tight and my eyes hot with unshed tears. I had crimes to solve, more rogue vampires to find; I couldn’t afford to be distracted like this, not by an eighteen-year-old kid who happened to love me more than I loved him. And that was the thought that made me wipe the tears away with the back of my hands, that was the thought that cut the deepest. He loved me, was in love with me, and I didn’t feel the same. If he hadn’t been metaphysically bound to me, I could have broken up with him, sent him home, but once some preternatural bonds happen, they can’t be undone. We were trapped, Cynric and I, and there was no way to undo it. Fuck.
9
S MITH SAW ME come out of the alley. “Your boyfriend making you feel guilty, too?”
“Something like that,” I said, wiping one last time at my face. I was glad all over again that I didn’t wear makeup to crime scenes.
“I think my girlfriend is going to dump my ass; she can’t deal with the job.”
“At least she can dump you,” I said.
“What?” Smith asked.
I waved it away and we went back to work—to our job,
the
job—and left the shambles of our personal lives for later. The job came first, because if we failed at that, people died. If we failed at our personal lives, only emotions died, but there are moments when it feels like a broken heart is a kind of death, and you’d trade a little less crime busting for a way to fix that part of your life.
I should have probably been more sympathetic to Smith, but I was feeling too sorry for myself to have any sympathy left over, and the moment I realized that, I stood a little straighter and tried to pull my head out of my ass and back in the game.
I turned and said to Smith, “Sorry to hear about the girlfriend, Smith.”
He gave a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks. How long have you been dating Jean-Claude?”
“About seven years,” I said.
“When we’ve got some downtime, I’d love to hear how you manage to have a relationship and do this job.”
I smiled, I couldn’t help it. “We’ll never have the talk if you wait for downtime, and I’m not sure what works for me will work for anyone else, but sure, I’ll give it a try when we get a break. Ask Zerbrowski, too; he and Katie have been together for over a decade.”
Smith grinned. “I figure that Zerbrowski’s wife is a saint. I don’t date saints.”
I grinned back. “Katie is pretty perfect, but not a saint; they just work together as a couple really well.”
“But how, how do they do it?” Smith asked, and that he asked it in the middle of an investigation meant that this girlfriend was special, important. Shit.
I went to him and spoke low. “Every person is unique, Smith, so every couple is unique. What works for one couple won’t work for everybody. Hell, what’s made Jean-Claude and me work this long is totally different from what makes Micah and me work, or Nathaniel.” Smith had met both of the latter at Zerbrowski’s house this summer at the RPIT barbecue. It had meant a lot to me that Katie had invited me to bring both of them. Jean-Claude and I were just linked in the tabloids. He was the vampire cover boy, so by just being near him
I got off the phone in tears. I loved Nathaniel and Micah, so much. There was no guilt there. We made each other happy. Cynric should have been with someone who loved him the way I loved them. The way I loved Jean-Claude. Hell, the way I loved Asher, or Nicky, or even Jason. He shouldn’t have had to compromise for a relationship that got him great sex, and even love of a kind, but I didn’t think I’d ever be
in love
with Cynric. He deserved someone who would feel for him what he seemed to feel for me, didn’t he? Didn’t everyone? I wasn’t sure I could give that to him, and the fact that he’d stood there and heard the three of us say our cute little trio of
I love you, I love you more, I love you most, I love you mostest
, which was just ours, made my chest tight and my eyes hot with unshed tears. I had crimes to solve, more rogue vampires to find; I couldn’t afford to be distracted like this, not by an eighteen-year-old kid who happened to love me more than I loved him. And that was the thought that made me wipe the tears away with the back of my hands, that was the thought that cut the deepest. He loved me, was in love with me, and I didn’t feel the same. If he hadn’t been metaphysically bound to me, I could have broken up with him, sent him home, but once some preternatural bonds happen, they can’t be undone. We were trapped, Cynric and I, and there was no way to undo it. Fuck.
9
S MITH SAW ME come out of the alley. “Your boyfriend making you feel guilty, too?”
“Something like that,” I said, wiping one last time at my face. I was glad all over again that I didn’t wear makeup to crime scenes.
“I think my girlfriend is going to dump my ass; she can’t deal with the job.”
“At least she can dump you,” I said.
“What?” Smith asked.
I waved it away and we went back to work—to our job,
the
job—and left the shambles of our personal lives for later. The job came first, because if we failed at that, people died. If we failed at our personal lives, only emotions died, but there are moments when it feels like a broken heart is a kind of death, and you’d trade a little less crime busting for a way to fix that part of your life.
I should have probably been more sympathetic to Smith, but I was feeling too sorry for myself to have any sympathy left over, and the moment I realized that, I stood a little straighter and tried to pull my head out of my ass and back in the game.
I turned and said to Smith, “Sorry to hear about the girlfriend, Smith.”
He gave a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks. How long have you been dating Jean-Claude?”
“About seven years,” I said.
“When we’ve got some downtime, I’d love to hear how you manage to have a relationship and do this job.”
I smiled, I couldn’t help it. “We’ll never have the talk if you wait for downtime, and I’m not sure what works for me will work for anyone else, but sure, I’ll give it a try when we get a break. Ask Zerbrowski, too; he and Katie have been together for over a decade.”
Smith grinned. “I figure that Zerbrowski’s wife is a saint. I don’t date saints.”
I grinned back. “Katie is pretty perfect, but not a saint; they just work together as a couple really well.”
“But how, how do they do it?” Smith asked, and that he asked it in the middle of an investigation meant that this girlfriend was special, important. Shit.
I went to him and spoke low. “Every person is unique, Smith, so every couple is unique. What works for one couple won’t work for everybody. Hell, what’s made Jean-Claude and me work this long is totally different from what makes Micah and me work, or Nathaniel.” Smith had met both of the latter at Zerbrowski’s house this summer at the RPIT barbecue. It had meant a lot to me that Katie had invited me to bring both of them. Jean-Claude and I were just linked in the tabloids. He was the vampire cover boy, so by just being near him
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