Ketchup Is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves by Robin O'Bryant Page A
Authors: Robin O'Bryant
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later Momma would call again.
It was a vicious cycle:
RING, RING, RING!
Aubrey: Mommy your phone is ringing.
Me: I KNOW. (As I pressed “End” and hung up on my poor unsuspecting Momma.)
I traced my steps all the way back to the bathroom at which time, both kids decided they needed to pee again. After a quick twenty minute potty break, I decided the best course of action would be to check out, since I was at the front of the store, go by customer service and see if anyone had turned in a Bluetooth earpiece, and if not, at least I could put my groceries in my car and see if I had dropped it while I was getting out of the car.
This would have been a great plan… if I had any method of payment. As I loaded all my groceries on to the turnstile I realized I had hidden my wallet under the front seat of my car earlier in the day. I didn’t want to leave it in the girls’ diaper bag when I dropped them off in the nursery at the gym, and it was still there — with my debit card, credit cards and checkbook tucked inside.
“Um, ma’am…I uh, I left my wallet in the car. Can I leave all of this here and run get my money and come right back? Please…” I begged feeling my face begin to flush.
“Sure, no problem,” the Nicest Cashier on the Planet replied.
The girls were playing at my feet and frantically grabbing at all the crap stores put within their reach at the checkout lines. I snatched them both up and threw them in the back of my empty buggy and hauled butt to my car with both kids screaming in unison, “I WANNA WALK!”
As we were making our way across the parking lot I looked down and saw Aubrey had a brand new package of gum in her thieving little hands. Fab-a-lous, now my daughter was a criminal and I was her accidental accomplice.
“AUBREY! Where did you get that?”
“Wellll, from the store…”
“Did you pay for it?” And if you did why didn’t you speak up and tell Mommy you had money, huh?
“Ummm, I don’t think so.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so, either. You’re taking it back, do you hear me? If you open that you are going to be in DEEEP trouble, young lady!”
About this time we got to my car, and I unlocked the door and grabbed my wallet. As I was leaning in the door I saw a handwritten note tucked under my windshield wiper.
“I found a pink blue tooth earpiece right outside your car door. If it is yours please call 555-3435.”
I grabbed my cell phone and searched furiously to turn off the Bluetooth function so I could call these people. My hands were shaking with nervous energy at this point because my groceries were still sitting on the turnstile and I needed to go pay before the cashier decided I wasn’t coming back. I dialed the number and the phone began ringing.
“Hello?”
“Um, hi. I think you found my earpiece…”
“Oh! Yes, honey we did. We are just pulling out of the parking lot; we’ll turn around and bring it to you. You just stay put!” The sweet older woman told me.
I’m not sure which parking lot this woman was talking about because a full five minutes later she pulled up in her Caddy with my earpiece.
“Thanks!” I said with a smile as I silently memorized her license plate just in case I needed to find her to harass her later… like, if my groceries had been put up and I had to march through Wal-Mart for a third time with my kids. I was about to come unglued.
I rushed back into the store so fast I made the little greeter-man dizzy, and I think a little pissed off because I didn’t let him put a sticker on Aubrey’s pack of gum. But I didn’t have time for trivial details, I was racing to the finish line to get back to my groceries before they were re-shelved and I had a complete and total nervous breakdown smack in the middle of Wally World.
We screeched to a stop at the check-out counter and I sucked down some extra
It was a vicious cycle:
RING, RING, RING!
Aubrey: Mommy your phone is ringing.
Me: I KNOW. (As I pressed “End” and hung up on my poor unsuspecting Momma.)
I traced my steps all the way back to the bathroom at which time, both kids decided they needed to pee again. After a quick twenty minute potty break, I decided the best course of action would be to check out, since I was at the front of the store, go by customer service and see if anyone had turned in a Bluetooth earpiece, and if not, at least I could put my groceries in my car and see if I had dropped it while I was getting out of the car.
This would have been a great plan… if I had any method of payment. As I loaded all my groceries on to the turnstile I realized I had hidden my wallet under the front seat of my car earlier in the day. I didn’t want to leave it in the girls’ diaper bag when I dropped them off in the nursery at the gym, and it was still there — with my debit card, credit cards and checkbook tucked inside.
“Um, ma’am…I uh, I left my wallet in the car. Can I leave all of this here and run get my money and come right back? Please…” I begged feeling my face begin to flush.
“Sure, no problem,” the Nicest Cashier on the Planet replied.
The girls were playing at my feet and frantically grabbing at all the crap stores put within their reach at the checkout lines. I snatched them both up and threw them in the back of my empty buggy and hauled butt to my car with both kids screaming in unison, “I WANNA WALK!”
As we were making our way across the parking lot I looked down and saw Aubrey had a brand new package of gum in her thieving little hands. Fab-a-lous, now my daughter was a criminal and I was her accidental accomplice.
“AUBREY! Where did you get that?”
“Wellll, from the store…”
“Did you pay for it?” And if you did why didn’t you speak up and tell Mommy you had money, huh?
“Ummm, I don’t think so.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so, either. You’re taking it back, do you hear me? If you open that you are going to be in DEEEP trouble, young lady!”
About this time we got to my car, and I unlocked the door and grabbed my wallet. As I was leaning in the door I saw a handwritten note tucked under my windshield wiper.
“I found a pink blue tooth earpiece right outside your car door. If it is yours please call 555-3435.”
I grabbed my cell phone and searched furiously to turn off the Bluetooth function so I could call these people. My hands were shaking with nervous energy at this point because my groceries were still sitting on the turnstile and I needed to go pay before the cashier decided I wasn’t coming back. I dialed the number and the phone began ringing.
“Hello?”
“Um, hi. I think you found my earpiece…”
“Oh! Yes, honey we did. We are just pulling out of the parking lot; we’ll turn around and bring it to you. You just stay put!” The sweet older woman told me.
I’m not sure which parking lot this woman was talking about because a full five minutes later she pulled up in her Caddy with my earpiece.
“Thanks!” I said with a smile as I silently memorized her license plate just in case I needed to find her to harass her later… like, if my groceries had been put up and I had to march through Wal-Mart for a third time with my kids. I was about to come unglued.
I rushed back into the store so fast I made the little greeter-man dizzy, and I think a little pissed off because I didn’t let him put a sticker on Aubrey’s pack of gum. But I didn’t have time for trivial details, I was racing to the finish line to get back to my groceries before they were re-shelved and I had a complete and total nervous breakdown smack in the middle of Wally World.
We screeched to a stop at the check-out counter and I sucked down some extra
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