Kendra by Coe Booth Page A

other girls used to be outside like that, jumping double dutch or roller-skating, or just sitting on a bench waiting for the ice cream truck to come around. And even back then, Adonna used to be snapping on people all the time. Nothing too mean. She would just try to get everyone to laugh, which we did. That’s the kinda fun I miss sometimes, because that was the easy kinda fun. Not like now.
    I walk fast from the bus stop, hoping to get upstairs without having to talk to anyone. When I pass by Kenny’s truck I wave to him, but I don’t stop or even slow down. He waves back and smiles, and good thing he has a couple of customers and don’t have time to ask me to come over and talk to him. Because Idon’t think I could talk to him like nothing just happened. I can’t even look him in the eye with the way I’m feeling.
    In the elevator, as I get closer and closer to the fifteenth floor, there’s too much going on in my mind. It’s like I’m fighting with myself to not think, but I can’t. It’s impossible. I mean, I can still feel Nashawn’s hands on my body, and it’s like every place he touched me isn’t only mine anymore. Everything feels different now.
    Nana is on the phone when I get into the apartment. “Hold on,” she says when she sees me coming through the door. “She just came in.” She holds out the phone for me. “Here. It’s Renée. She wants to talk to you.”
    I shake my head and keep walking right past her down the hall. I go straight into the bathroom, then slam and lock the door behind me. The last thing I’m in the mood for is one of Renée’s excuses. I don’t even wanna hear her voice right now. I can’t deal with it.
    I can’t deal with anything.
    I sit on the side of the bathtub, put my head in my hands, and cry hard without making any sound. My chest feels heavy and full, and it’s hard to breathe. I feel so stupid and disgusted with myself that I can’t keep it inside anymore. I wanna scream.
    What’s the matter with me? Why would I do something like that? I’m not even like that.
    I run the water in the tub, take off my clothes, and make sure not to look in the mirror, because I can’t face myself right now. All I wanna do is wash Nashawn off me, fast, before Nana gets a good look at me. Because the truth is, she been waiting for this, and she’s gonna know what I been up to. She’s gonnaknow that some boy been touching on me. Like, there’s probably fingerprints on my body only she can see.
    Later, while I’m in the bathtub, sitting in the soapy water, Nana knocks on the door. “You okay, Babe?” she asks.
    It takes me a second to answer, to make my voice sound normal. “Um, yeah. I’m fine.”
    “You sure? You been in there a long time now.”
    “I’m coming out in a minute.”
    She knows , I tell myself. She’s not stupid. She has to know something’s up .
    I hear her trying to turn the doorknob. “Is this door locked?”
    “Is it?” I ask. But my voice don’t sound right. It’s too high. She’s gonna know I’m acting weird. I know she is. “Oh, I’m sorry, Nana. I didn’t mean to lock it.” I stand up and step outta the tub. “Hold on.”
    I wipe my eyes and wrap a towel around me. Then I look at myself in the mirror, thinking, Do I look the same? I’m not sure. I can’t tell anymore .
    When I open the door, Nana is standing there with her arms folded. Her eyes don’t look at me. They look into me. Like she’s investigating me, analyzing me. At first she don’t say anything, but the silence is enough to make me nervous, especially since I can’t think of anything to say to her.
    So I turn away from her and pick my clothes up off the floor. With my back turned to her, she asks, “Everything okay?”
    “Yeah,” I say, still not looking at her. “I just needed to take a bath. I felt so—” I almost say dirty . “I felt so sweaty from all the cleaning up we had to do after the show.”
    Nana is quiet, like she’s waiting for me to say