empress, fancy boats carved from redwood, copper horses, old embroidered draperies. Lion Head said that he hadn’t slept well for days. Something was bothering him. He said, “I need to get my mind together.” He tried not to tell me what was bothering him, but he could not keep his fears to himself. He finally admitted he was afraid of Mr. Han, Jasmine’s father. And it killed our good time. We sat in silence, with Jasmine’s curse upon us.
* * *
I decided to help Katherine adopt a child. I felt that it was a way to atone for my misdeed. I wrote all my relatives and asked them to help me contact orphanages and collect information.
Katherine spoke about her future child with determination. “I imagine her with single-lid slanting eyes, straight black hair, and a little cherry mouth. She will be standing behind a fence waiting for me.”
My parents and my brother couldn’t understand Katherine. “Why carry an extra load when one’s own load is heavy enough?” they asked. I couldn’t explain to them what this meant, that it was way beyond carrying loads. No one in my family knew what happened to me at Elephant Fields. No one would understand that saving a child would help break the spell of bad memories that had been cast over me.
My father had me invite Katherine to the house for tea that Sunday. It surprised me that my father was not afraid of a foreigner. He treated Katherine like a daughter. When she stepped through the door, he pointed to a chair and said, “Sit,” the way he would to me or my brother. He didn’t say please. My mother was nervous and guarded the door to make sure no one was spying on us.
My father asked Katherine whether she was sure the adoption was what she wanted of her life, and whether she had considered the consequences if the child turned out to have birth defects in the future. Katherine told him that one could never really prepare for such things. She was indeed nervous, but determined to go forward.
My father turned to me. “I assume you understand your responsibility?” he asked. I nodded. “Be a wolf,” he said, “when necessary.” I nodded again.
“No, not a wolf,” my mother protested. “How can you ask your child to act like a wolf? She should believe that morality wins in the end.”
“I say be a wolf when you must!” my father said. Pointing afinger at Katherine, he continued, “Zebra will protect you. And I want your heart in one piece when it’s done.”
Katherine couldn’t speak when she left my house. She said she would never forget my father.
On the way back from seeing Katherine off, I thought about my father. I knew he adored me, but he never showed his feelings. He was sent to jail when I was still a child. We never had the chance to be close, so we no longer tried. But today he showed me his love by treating Katherine as his own daughter.
* * *
L ion Head told me that he went to see Jasmine and spoke vicious words to her. He called her a “mad witch.” He told her to stay out of his life. I asked how Jasmine reacted. Lion Head said that she was in a state of terror because he made her destroy the voodoo pictures.
But Jasmine didn’t give up. Her eyes still said, “I love you, Lion Head,” in every class. She stared at him, as if to say, I’ll keep praying. I’ll go on loving you until I die. She couldn’t help it. She accepted the humiliation. She took it on as if it were her fate.
Though Lion Head walked out with coldness, he felt guilty. He believed that no one would ever love him as deeply as Jasmine. But he could not love her back. “I just can’t touch her body,” he’d say to me. Then: “She’ll die for me, she will.”
“What exactly did you tell her?” I asked.
“I told her that I loved differently,” he replied. After a moment he sighed. “What else could I say? ‘Go smell your farts, you bitch’? She would report me to her father and he would strangle my future.”
* * *
K
* * *
I decided to help Katherine adopt a child. I felt that it was a way to atone for my misdeed. I wrote all my relatives and asked them to help me contact orphanages and collect information.
Katherine spoke about her future child with determination. “I imagine her with single-lid slanting eyes, straight black hair, and a little cherry mouth. She will be standing behind a fence waiting for me.”
My parents and my brother couldn’t understand Katherine. “Why carry an extra load when one’s own load is heavy enough?” they asked. I couldn’t explain to them what this meant, that it was way beyond carrying loads. No one in my family knew what happened to me at Elephant Fields. No one would understand that saving a child would help break the spell of bad memories that had been cast over me.
My father had me invite Katherine to the house for tea that Sunday. It surprised me that my father was not afraid of a foreigner. He treated Katherine like a daughter. When she stepped through the door, he pointed to a chair and said, “Sit,” the way he would to me or my brother. He didn’t say please. My mother was nervous and guarded the door to make sure no one was spying on us.
My father asked Katherine whether she was sure the adoption was what she wanted of her life, and whether she had considered the consequences if the child turned out to have birth defects in the future. Katherine told him that one could never really prepare for such things. She was indeed nervous, but determined to go forward.
My father turned to me. “I assume you understand your responsibility?” he asked. I nodded. “Be a wolf,” he said, “when necessary.” I nodded again.
“No, not a wolf,” my mother protested. “How can you ask your child to act like a wolf? She should believe that morality wins in the end.”
“I say be a wolf when you must!” my father said. Pointing afinger at Katherine, he continued, “Zebra will protect you. And I want your heart in one piece when it’s done.”
Katherine couldn’t speak when she left my house. She said she would never forget my father.
On the way back from seeing Katherine off, I thought about my father. I knew he adored me, but he never showed his feelings. He was sent to jail when I was still a child. We never had the chance to be close, so we no longer tried. But today he showed me his love by treating Katherine as his own daughter.
* * *
L ion Head told me that he went to see Jasmine and spoke vicious words to her. He called her a “mad witch.” He told her to stay out of his life. I asked how Jasmine reacted. Lion Head said that she was in a state of terror because he made her destroy the voodoo pictures.
But Jasmine didn’t give up. Her eyes still said, “I love you, Lion Head,” in every class. She stared at him, as if to say, I’ll keep praying. I’ll go on loving you until I die. She couldn’t help it. She accepted the humiliation. She took it on as if it were her fate.
Though Lion Head walked out with coldness, he felt guilty. He believed that no one would ever love him as deeply as Jasmine. But he could not love her back. “I just can’t touch her body,” he’d say to me. Then: “She’ll die for me, she will.”
“What exactly did you tell her?” I asked.
“I told her that I loved differently,” he replied. After a moment he sighed. “What else could I say? ‘Go smell your farts, you bitch’? She would report me to her father and he would strangle my future.”
* * *
K
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