after school because Tilda’s busy, or goes to the grocery store with her because the Capistranos have run out of the General’s favourite cereal, he has to fight the temptation to take her hand as they walk. When it’s his turn to choose a movie he always picks something that might scare her enough to grab hold of him. Heads together over a tricky math problem, he smells the peppermint shampoo she uses and wants to put his face in her hair.
And then there was that sudden storm. He’d gone with her to the dentist because she’s afraid of the dentist and didn’t want to go alone, but Tilda is even more afraid of dentists so Josh was the default choice. On the way home the sky suddenly went black and it started to rain as if it meant to wash the planet clean. Jena wasn’t dressed for bad weather. The day had started mild and sunny, and she was wearing a cotton dress and a sweater. They ducked under a tree for shelter. Josh took off his jacket and draped it over their shoulders and heads, just like in a movie. She was as close to him as skin; so close he was sure she could hear the racket his heart was making.
Do something
, he told himself.
Kiss her
. She was looking at him as if maybe he was going to kiss her – as if maybe she might even kiss him back. Or was she? It would have been a good time to be a boy who acted before he thought, but, of course, that boy isn’t Josh. He didn’t act; he thought. He thought that her look might not be saying,
Are you going to kiss me?
It might be saying,
I can tell from your breath what you had for lunch
. The moment passed like all the others.
Nonetheless, he is always on the verge of making a move.
Do it!
He urges himself.
Put your arm around her … hug her … kiss her … for God’s sake, at least tell her you like her a lot…
But those are things he only does in dreams. Some might compare him to Tantalus. In Greek mythology, the gods punished Tantalus by making him spend eternity in a pool of water that receded every time he tried to take a drink, and underneath a tree that moved out of reach every time he tried to pick a piece of fruit. Josh thinks of himself more as someone standing at the door who can’t bring himself to ring the bell.
He doesn’t know what to do. Should he tell her how he feels, or should he keep his mouth shut? Should he rock the ship of friends or should he stay seated with his life jacket on, knowing that if he rocks the ship there’s a high risk of falling into the icy, oceanic waters of used-to-be and drowning?
Josh doesn’t know who to talk to. Who can give him useful advice? He trawls through his mother’s magazines but the agony aunts and unhappy uncles don’t seem to be covering unrequited adolescent love this season. His father is dead; his mother is out as an option. She’s always said that Josh can talk to her about anything, that’s what she’s here for, but he prefers to think that she’s here to make sure he lives to adulthood and knows how to cook and change a washer, not act as a consultant on intimate relationships. They’ve had a few parent–son conversations about sex, girls and STDs – all of them initiated by her, and all of them embarrassing enough to cause him physical pain. He’d sooner talk to Dr Wanneski, the school psychologist, and he’d have to be seriously out of his mind to do that. First choice has to be Carver. Not wanting to add to his mother’s unhappiness, it was Carver Josh went to when his father’s heart gave out in the parking lot of Food World, where he’d stopped for ice cream on his way home from work; Carver who sat up weekend nights watching movies with him and acting as if he didn’t notice Josh’s tears; Carver who went to the funeral and sat on one side of him, Ramona on the other, each holding his hand.
He waits until they’re alone. Carver’s sisters ensure that the Jefferson house is always filled with noise and activity and teetering on the edge of chaos, but in Carver’s
And then there was that sudden storm. He’d gone with her to the dentist because she’s afraid of the dentist and didn’t want to go alone, but Tilda is even more afraid of dentists so Josh was the default choice. On the way home the sky suddenly went black and it started to rain as if it meant to wash the planet clean. Jena wasn’t dressed for bad weather. The day had started mild and sunny, and she was wearing a cotton dress and a sweater. They ducked under a tree for shelter. Josh took off his jacket and draped it over their shoulders and heads, just like in a movie. She was as close to him as skin; so close he was sure she could hear the racket his heart was making.
Do something
, he told himself.
Kiss her
. She was looking at him as if maybe he was going to kiss her – as if maybe she might even kiss him back. Or was she? It would have been a good time to be a boy who acted before he thought, but, of course, that boy isn’t Josh. He didn’t act; he thought. He thought that her look might not be saying,
Are you going to kiss me?
It might be saying,
I can tell from your breath what you had for lunch
. The moment passed like all the others.
Nonetheless, he is always on the verge of making a move.
Do it!
He urges himself.
Put your arm around her … hug her … kiss her … for God’s sake, at least tell her you like her a lot…
But those are things he only does in dreams. Some might compare him to Tantalus. In Greek mythology, the gods punished Tantalus by making him spend eternity in a pool of water that receded every time he tried to take a drink, and underneath a tree that moved out of reach every time he tried to pick a piece of fruit. Josh thinks of himself more as someone standing at the door who can’t bring himself to ring the bell.
He doesn’t know what to do. Should he tell her how he feels, or should he keep his mouth shut? Should he rock the ship of friends or should he stay seated with his life jacket on, knowing that if he rocks the ship there’s a high risk of falling into the icy, oceanic waters of used-to-be and drowning?
Josh doesn’t know who to talk to. Who can give him useful advice? He trawls through his mother’s magazines but the agony aunts and unhappy uncles don’t seem to be covering unrequited adolescent love this season. His father is dead; his mother is out as an option. She’s always said that Josh can talk to her about anything, that’s what she’s here for, but he prefers to think that she’s here to make sure he lives to adulthood and knows how to cook and change a washer, not act as a consultant on intimate relationships. They’ve had a few parent–son conversations about sex, girls and STDs – all of them initiated by her, and all of them embarrassing enough to cause him physical pain. He’d sooner talk to Dr Wanneski, the school psychologist, and he’d have to be seriously out of his mind to do that. First choice has to be Carver. Not wanting to add to his mother’s unhappiness, it was Carver Josh went to when his father’s heart gave out in the parking lot of Food World, where he’d stopped for ice cream on his way home from work; Carver who sat up weekend nights watching movies with him and acting as if he didn’t notice Josh’s tears; Carver who went to the funeral and sat on one side of him, Ramona on the other, each holding his hand.
He waits until they’re alone. Carver’s sisters ensure that the Jefferson house is always filled with noise and activity and teetering on the edge of chaos, but in Carver’s
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