meant any more to me than a … a topcoat. And it has been just as devoid of feeling. It has been like renting a coat. Do you see what I mean?”
“I think I do. You mean it wasn’t like selling yourself, because Barbara wasn’t actually involved?”
“They buy the trimmings, but they don’t buy me. I hide back inside myself and laugh like hell. Once upon a time I got paid for diving into a swimming pool. This isn’t half as hard, and the pay is better. But do you see what you’ve done to me? Now I’m selling too much of myself. Nobody else bought what you just bought, Mr. Morrow. Body and soul and emotions and wanting and …”
“Please, Barbara.”
“I could go on doing this if you hadn’t come along. Now I can’t go on with it. Maybe it seems like a pretty delicate moral point to you, my friend, but it’s important to me. I hate you for it, Teed. And I hate myself worse.”
He lunged quickly, captured her wrist, got the light pull with the other hand. He pulled her roughly back into the bed. She struggled and caught him once across the throat with her nails before he pinned her arms.
“Let—me—go!”
“Stop it! I didn’t buy a damn thing, Barbara. Not a thing. I won’t give you a cent. Whatever you want to think, just keep remembering that it wasn’t a commercial transaction.”
“No matter what you say, whether you pay me or not, you’re just another customer.”
His voice was thick. “Barbara, listen to me. Can’t you remember? We’ve known each other for years. This was a date for a picnic and a moonlight swim. It just got out of control—changed into something else. It could happen to any date.”
“Crap!” she said.
“Have you forgotten old Albert so quickly? And the sleigh ride, and the barn dance?”
“Don’t try to help me. Please don’t try to help me, Teed,” she said, in an entirely different tone.
Suddenly, unaccountably, his eyes were stinging. He said, “What a load of guilt for one human being to try to carry, Barbara! You are a crazy, wonderful, damn-fool girl.”
She freed one hand gently. She said, “Teed, your voice sounds so odd. I don’t know …” He tried to turn his head away, but her fingertips brushed his cheek, just under his eye, brushed the dampness.
“Big baby,” she said huskily, tenderly. “Big baby to bawl over a thing like me.” And then her voice broke and she began to cry again. He held her as he had before. This was a different sort of weeping. After a time she said, “Help me, Teed. For God’s sake, help me.”
His answer was to tighten his arms around her.
When the tears were over, she moved away a bit. “Got a cigarette?”
“On the floor under your side.”
She found them, gave him one. The match flared briefly and he saw her cheeks go hollow as she took the first drag.
“When they’ve asked, I’ve given them a story. A lie every time. No two alike.”
“You don’t have to tell me, Barbara.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I do. I have to tell the truth to somebody. I guess I’ve always known that someday I would have to tell the truth to somebody. I went to the right schools, lived the right way. Got engaged to a boy named Roger. A sweet boy, I thought. I told you how you remind me of him, Teed. We were going to be married. I was a virgin. We started sleeping together. It got … pretty physical. I mean we were good together. It was in my home town. Baltimore. Roger’s boss was a bachelor. We began to see a lot of him. I knew he was a sort of a wolf, but I didn’t have to worry. I was Roger’s, and we were going to be married and have a zillion kids. One night Roger told me his boss was out of town and we could use his boss’s house. I didn’t like the idea very much, but he was insistent. We went out there. Roger kept making drinks for me. The whole world got pretty fuzzy. I went to bed with Roger. When morning came, I found out that I was in bed with his boss. Roger had gone home. Roger got a
“I think I do. You mean it wasn’t like selling yourself, because Barbara wasn’t actually involved?”
“They buy the trimmings, but they don’t buy me. I hide back inside myself and laugh like hell. Once upon a time I got paid for diving into a swimming pool. This isn’t half as hard, and the pay is better. But do you see what you’ve done to me? Now I’m selling too much of myself. Nobody else bought what you just bought, Mr. Morrow. Body and soul and emotions and wanting and …”
“Please, Barbara.”
“I could go on doing this if you hadn’t come along. Now I can’t go on with it. Maybe it seems like a pretty delicate moral point to you, my friend, but it’s important to me. I hate you for it, Teed. And I hate myself worse.”
He lunged quickly, captured her wrist, got the light pull with the other hand. He pulled her roughly back into the bed. She struggled and caught him once across the throat with her nails before he pinned her arms.
“Let—me—go!”
“Stop it! I didn’t buy a damn thing, Barbara. Not a thing. I won’t give you a cent. Whatever you want to think, just keep remembering that it wasn’t a commercial transaction.”
“No matter what you say, whether you pay me or not, you’re just another customer.”
His voice was thick. “Barbara, listen to me. Can’t you remember? We’ve known each other for years. This was a date for a picnic and a moonlight swim. It just got out of control—changed into something else. It could happen to any date.”
“Crap!” she said.
“Have you forgotten old Albert so quickly? And the sleigh ride, and the barn dance?”
“Don’t try to help me. Please don’t try to help me, Teed,” she said, in an entirely different tone.
Suddenly, unaccountably, his eyes were stinging. He said, “What a load of guilt for one human being to try to carry, Barbara! You are a crazy, wonderful, damn-fool girl.”
She freed one hand gently. She said, “Teed, your voice sounds so odd. I don’t know …” He tried to turn his head away, but her fingertips brushed his cheek, just under his eye, brushed the dampness.
“Big baby,” she said huskily, tenderly. “Big baby to bawl over a thing like me.” And then her voice broke and she began to cry again. He held her as he had before. This was a different sort of weeping. After a time she said, “Help me, Teed. For God’s sake, help me.”
His answer was to tighten his arms around her.
When the tears were over, she moved away a bit. “Got a cigarette?”
“On the floor under your side.”
She found them, gave him one. The match flared briefly and he saw her cheeks go hollow as she took the first drag.
“When they’ve asked, I’ve given them a story. A lie every time. No two alike.”
“You don’t have to tell me, Barbara.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I do. I have to tell the truth to somebody. I guess I’ve always known that someday I would have to tell the truth to somebody. I went to the right schools, lived the right way. Got engaged to a boy named Roger. A sweet boy, I thought. I told you how you remind me of him, Teed. We were going to be married. I was a virgin. We started sleeping together. It got … pretty physical. I mean we were good together. It was in my home town. Baltimore. Roger’s boss was a bachelor. We began to see a lot of him. I knew he was a sort of a wolf, but I didn’t have to worry. I was Roger’s, and we were going to be married and have a zillion kids. One night Roger told me his boss was out of town and we could use his boss’s house. I didn’t like the idea very much, but he was insistent. We went out there. Roger kept making drinks for me. The whole world got pretty fuzzy. I went to bed with Roger. When morning came, I found out that I was in bed with his boss. Roger had gone home. Roger got a
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