tea with lemon.
She could call to someone. Someone passing by.
She could jump out of the car and run.
He’d shoot her. He’d shoot before her foot was even out the door. Before she was finished screaming.
He wouldn’t mind a bit.
She wanted to cry. She wanted a gun.
She kept seeing the woman’s death played out in front of her exactly as it had happened, down to the smallest detail. Index finger pumping blood. Eyes squinting shut— see no evil. Woman on her knees, draining out onto the tarmac. Balance sliding away. Slumping. Falling.
Crumpled. The woman a death sack.
My god, that poor young woman.
“Then why not let us out right now then?” Lee was saying. Still trying to talk to him. As though something about him might respond to the rational.
“Let us out right here. Then you go do…whatever it is you want to do.”
Wayne looked at him and shook his head as though Lee were somebody’s idiot brother.
“Company,” he said through a mouthful of hamburger. “Remember, Lee? Company. ‘Member what I said? It’s great having somebody around who knows how you feel. It’s the greatest thing in the world.” He laughed. “Well, almost the greatest.”
“We don’t have the slightest idea how you feel, Wayne.”
“Sure you do.”
He sounded almost shy. Something grotesquely innocent about the man. Like he was really just a little boy caught in some sin he had never comprehended in the first place. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife explained to a three-year-old. Mommy? What’s covet? What’s neighbor?
What’s wife?
Except that he wasn’t a little boy and the word in question here was simple.
The word was murder.
She thought of Howard. She still could almost feel the weight of the rock raised above her.
Simple? Was it really?
Yes, she thought. For her and for Wayne both, when you got right down to it, it was simple. She knew what she did. And so did Wayne. The trouble was he felt nothingbut excitement over it, like a kid starring in his own home movie.
He doesn’t feel.
He hasn’t got a clue.
Listen to him.
“I mean,” he was saying. “I know it’s not the same for everyone. Everybody’s different. I’m not saying you know exactly how I’m coming at this, Lee. I mean, it’s not even necessary. But I kind of like the idea of you guys as witnesses, you know what I mean? In the old-time sense. Bearing witness, you know? That kind of thing. And hell, I couldn’t ask for better witnesses. See, you’ve at least been there. You know what I’m going through to that extent at least.”
She couldn’t help it. Enough, she thought.
“No,” she said. “We don’t. What are you going through, Wayne?”
Her voice sounded every bit as cold and mean to her as she’d meant it to be. He didn’t seem to notice.
“It’s amazing,” he said. “I know you’re still mad at me, Carole. And I don’t blame you because let’s face it, I did, I scared you. But I know you know what I’m talking about even if you won’t admit it because you felt it too, I saw you with that rock and you had to feel it. See, here you are, you’re doing what you were meant to do. Everything’s right. You were meant to get rid of Howard. It felt right to get rid of Howard because Howard was such a son of a bitch, and at the same time it was the most important, most fucking expressive thing you ever did in your life. Am I right? I mean, what do you compare it to? Skiing? Sex? A European vacation?”
He laughed. “It’s ridiculous! There’s no comparison with anything.”
He sat quiet for a moment.
“I think it’s a secret,” he said. “I think it’s just this great big secret they keep from us. That they don’t want us to know about unless maybe there’s a war on or something and then, sure, they want you to know so you’ll line up and do it and go on doing it and enjoy yourself all to hell. But otherwise they keep it from you. It’s their secret. About how fucking good it feels.
She could call to someone. Someone passing by.
She could jump out of the car and run.
He’d shoot her. He’d shoot before her foot was even out the door. Before she was finished screaming.
He wouldn’t mind a bit.
She wanted to cry. She wanted a gun.
She kept seeing the woman’s death played out in front of her exactly as it had happened, down to the smallest detail. Index finger pumping blood. Eyes squinting shut— see no evil. Woman on her knees, draining out onto the tarmac. Balance sliding away. Slumping. Falling.
Crumpled. The woman a death sack.
My god, that poor young woman.
“Then why not let us out right now then?” Lee was saying. Still trying to talk to him. As though something about him might respond to the rational.
“Let us out right here. Then you go do…whatever it is you want to do.”
Wayne looked at him and shook his head as though Lee were somebody’s idiot brother.
“Company,” he said through a mouthful of hamburger. “Remember, Lee? Company. ‘Member what I said? It’s great having somebody around who knows how you feel. It’s the greatest thing in the world.” He laughed. “Well, almost the greatest.”
“We don’t have the slightest idea how you feel, Wayne.”
“Sure you do.”
He sounded almost shy. Something grotesquely innocent about the man. Like he was really just a little boy caught in some sin he had never comprehended in the first place. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife explained to a three-year-old. Mommy? What’s covet? What’s neighbor?
What’s wife?
Except that he wasn’t a little boy and the word in question here was simple.
The word was murder.
She thought of Howard. She still could almost feel the weight of the rock raised above her.
Simple? Was it really?
Yes, she thought. For her and for Wayne both, when you got right down to it, it was simple. She knew what she did. And so did Wayne. The trouble was he felt nothingbut excitement over it, like a kid starring in his own home movie.
He doesn’t feel.
He hasn’t got a clue.
Listen to him.
“I mean,” he was saying. “I know it’s not the same for everyone. Everybody’s different. I’m not saying you know exactly how I’m coming at this, Lee. I mean, it’s not even necessary. But I kind of like the idea of you guys as witnesses, you know what I mean? In the old-time sense. Bearing witness, you know? That kind of thing. And hell, I couldn’t ask for better witnesses. See, you’ve at least been there. You know what I’m going through to that extent at least.”
She couldn’t help it. Enough, she thought.
“No,” she said. “We don’t. What are you going through, Wayne?”
Her voice sounded every bit as cold and mean to her as she’d meant it to be. He didn’t seem to notice.
“It’s amazing,” he said. “I know you’re still mad at me, Carole. And I don’t blame you because let’s face it, I did, I scared you. But I know you know what I’m talking about even if you won’t admit it because you felt it too, I saw you with that rock and you had to feel it. See, here you are, you’re doing what you were meant to do. Everything’s right. You were meant to get rid of Howard. It felt right to get rid of Howard because Howard was such a son of a bitch, and at the same time it was the most important, most fucking expressive thing you ever did in your life. Am I right? I mean, what do you compare it to? Skiing? Sex? A European vacation?”
He laughed. “It’s ridiculous! There’s no comparison with anything.”
He sat quiet for a moment.
“I think it’s a secret,” he said. “I think it’s just this great big secret they keep from us. That they don’t want us to know about unless maybe there’s a war on or something and then, sure, they want you to know so you’ll line up and do it and go on doing it and enjoy yourself all to hell. But otherwise they keep it from you. It’s their secret. About how fucking good it feels.
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