Joke Trap by Richard Glover Page A

I ever invited a friend home from school, he would do it for sure.’
    Ben winced in sympathy, but then he leaned in close. ‘That’s nothing,’ he whispered, ‘my father does something even worse than Dad Jokes. He does Dad Singing.’
    Ben told me that his Dad always puts a CD on when they are driving in his car. Then he sings along. ‘Trouble is,’ Ben said, ‘he doesn’t know any of the tunes. Or any of the right words. He has a favourite song where the words go “Sweet dreams are made of this”, but he sings “Sweet dreams are made of cheese”. And there’s another song that goes, “She’s got a ticket to ride”, but he sings “She’s got a chicken to ride”.’
    ‘But that’s not all. You know the song, “I believe in miracles”? Well, he sings, “I believe in Milkos” — like it’s about the lolly.’

    I was cracking up as Ben told me more of his father’s mangled-up lyrics, but Ben just shook his head. ‘At least your Dad is trying to be funny,’ he said, ‘my dad is funny without even trying.’
    ‘I’m embarrassed just like you,’ he confessed. ‘There’s a guy at school who playsbass guitar and we’ve been talking about becoming a duo. I’d play harmonica and Stevie would be on guitar. But that would mean my dad giving Stevie a lift in our car. And once Dad’s in the car…’
    Ben shook his head. ‘Can you imagine me sitting there next to Stevie with Dad singing, “She’s got a chicken to ride” at the top of his voice?’
    Ben let out a defeated little groan. ‘It’s easier just to give up on the idea of a duo.’

    As the bus started to climb the hill to our local shops, Ben came up with the idea of a pact.
    ‘We’ll join forces,’ he said. ‘We’ll try to cure both dads. No more Dad Jokes. No more Dad Singing. It’ll be a joint project.’
    Ben let out a little whoop of excitement as we stumbled off the bus. All we needed was a great idea for how to go about it.

TWO

    W e swapped embarrassing dad stories as we walked towards Ben’s house.
    Ben grinned. ‘Do you know the song by John Lennon called “Give Peace a Chance”?’ he asked, flinging his bag off his shoulder.
    Ben knows more about most music — especially old music — than I do, but I knew that song pretty well. I sang a line just to prove it, ‘All we are saying is give peace a chance.’
    ‘That’s the one,’ Ben said, picking up his bagagain. ‘Well, Dad was singing it in the car one day and, I’m not kidding, he was singing, “All I am saying is give Jesus pants”.’

    We both started laughing. What did Ben’s dad think was going on in the song? That Jesus normally dresses in a robe, but John Lennon would rather see him wearing pants? That John Lennon had some weird thing about trousers?
    We were still spluttering with laughter when we reached the corner store. We bought a packet of jelly snakes each for the rest of the walk to Ben’s house. As we wandered along, stuffing in handfuls of lollies, I tried to explain the most annoying of my father’s problems — the Joke Mouth.
    ‘Every time my dad’s about to make a Dad Joke,’ I said, ‘he gets this little twitch in his face.

    It’s like he wants to smile but is trying to control it. Then his face goes all serious and he clamps down his mouth, so it makes this tense, straight line. It’s as if he’s fighting himself.
    ‘My mum’s the one who started calling it the Joke Mouth. It’s like an early warning system. I’ll ask Dad a question like, “What’s on the TV?” and straightaway I’ll see the Joke Mouth start to form. As soon as I see it, I make a run for my bedroom.’
    Ben frowned. ‘So then what does your dad do?’

    ‘Oh, he’ll try to get in quick. He’ll fire off his lame joke, and it will follow me like an Exocet missile, “What’s on the TV?” he’ll shout, “a pot plant and a copy of the TV guide, that’s what’s on the TV. “ And then, just in case I don’t get it, he’ll point to the TV