leaning forward with his hands gripping his knees so that his knuckles were pasty and white.
Liam took the wine glass and handed it to me. I took a nervous swallow. It was good wine, sweet, but not sickly so. Probably expensive. But I couldn't bring myself to try and sort through all the little hints within the wine.
"He was always buying me books and magazines about Rome and Italy. He knew I loved it... At the start, his prognosis was good. But then the chemo stopped working... I remember one morning when I saw him, it was like he was a different person. He used to be big and strong but he could barely sit up. His wrists... they were thinner than mine."
Liam held me close again when a sob wracked me.
I'd gotten this far, I had to finish. Somehow, if I could just finish, I could tell that it would feel better. No matter how much it hurt to get it out, it was better than keeping it bottled in. I could tell that, then.
"It was this past February when we all knew he wasn't going to make it. He chose to stay at home for the end... He did always hate hospitals. One day, about a week before... He wanted to talk to me alone. He told me that he'd been setting aside a little bit of money ever since I was little. It was for a trip to Italy."
Liam nodded slightly, as though seeing a difficult puzzle come together. I didn't tell him how the previous semester at school I'd applied to do a semester abroad in Italy and been accepted. All I had to do was pay the exorbitant tuition and travel fees.
That was when I learned that serendipity could be cruel.
I continued, forcing my way through the rest even though it felt like cold fingers had begun closing around my throat. "He smiled at me, thinking I'd be happy. But I wasn't. I wasn't happy at all. It just felt ridiculous and unfair to me, like I was trading his life for a vacation. It was stupid and irrational, I know. But it was how I felt. Then he made me promise I'd take the money and go to Rome with it. He even called my mom in to hear me make the promise. God, I was so angry.
"He must have seen it in my face. It hurt him. I could see how much it hurt him. He thought I'd be happy, and instead I got angry and left. He didn't know I wanted to come here with him, but now he's gone and it's only me. Don't you see? Does that make any sense?" I said, wondering if I was just babbling, rambling on, sounding crazy.
But Liam didn't let go. He didn't say anything either, he just nodded.
"So I got here a couple months ago. Rome. The place I've wanted to visit since I can remember. And I hate it here. And I hate that I hate it. I'm supposed to enjoy myself, have fun, learn. But I can't, not knowing how I could afford to be here. And that makes it worse! Like a spiral... I don't want to be here. It hurts too much. I just want my dad back. I just want my dad..." Then I couldn't say anything else.
Liam held me close again. I did feel lighter, having that weight taken off me. But there was also worry. How would Liam take it?
After my dad had died, the two words I'd heard the most were, "I'm sorry." Everyone said it. And I hated that, too. I hated their pity and I hated their worthless I'm Sorrys. They just said it because that's what you're supposed to say. Like when someone asks you how you're doing and if you say anything other than "Good" they don't know how to react.
I steeled myself, waiting for Liam to say those two meaningless words.
"It doesn't go away," he said instead, "The hurt never goes away. But you will get used to it, as much as you can. I saw you be happy today. Let yourself be happy. I think if you do, you'll really believe that you didn't trade him for this."
"Just hold me," I said. I know it sounds ridiculous, seeing as I was already sat naked next to him in that tub, but I felt as though I'd just been stripped bare. But that's the only way I can describe it.
I'd shown him what was behind my eyes, and he didn't shrink away or retreat. He held me, just like I asked him
Liam took the wine glass and handed it to me. I took a nervous swallow. It was good wine, sweet, but not sickly so. Probably expensive. But I couldn't bring myself to try and sort through all the little hints within the wine.
"He was always buying me books and magazines about Rome and Italy. He knew I loved it... At the start, his prognosis was good. But then the chemo stopped working... I remember one morning when I saw him, it was like he was a different person. He used to be big and strong but he could barely sit up. His wrists... they were thinner than mine."
Liam held me close again when a sob wracked me.
I'd gotten this far, I had to finish. Somehow, if I could just finish, I could tell that it would feel better. No matter how much it hurt to get it out, it was better than keeping it bottled in. I could tell that, then.
"It was this past February when we all knew he wasn't going to make it. He chose to stay at home for the end... He did always hate hospitals. One day, about a week before... He wanted to talk to me alone. He told me that he'd been setting aside a little bit of money ever since I was little. It was for a trip to Italy."
Liam nodded slightly, as though seeing a difficult puzzle come together. I didn't tell him how the previous semester at school I'd applied to do a semester abroad in Italy and been accepted. All I had to do was pay the exorbitant tuition and travel fees.
That was when I learned that serendipity could be cruel.
I continued, forcing my way through the rest even though it felt like cold fingers had begun closing around my throat. "He smiled at me, thinking I'd be happy. But I wasn't. I wasn't happy at all. It just felt ridiculous and unfair to me, like I was trading his life for a vacation. It was stupid and irrational, I know. But it was how I felt. Then he made me promise I'd take the money and go to Rome with it. He even called my mom in to hear me make the promise. God, I was so angry.
"He must have seen it in my face. It hurt him. I could see how much it hurt him. He thought I'd be happy, and instead I got angry and left. He didn't know I wanted to come here with him, but now he's gone and it's only me. Don't you see? Does that make any sense?" I said, wondering if I was just babbling, rambling on, sounding crazy.
But Liam didn't let go. He didn't say anything either, he just nodded.
"So I got here a couple months ago. Rome. The place I've wanted to visit since I can remember. And I hate it here. And I hate that I hate it. I'm supposed to enjoy myself, have fun, learn. But I can't, not knowing how I could afford to be here. And that makes it worse! Like a spiral... I don't want to be here. It hurts too much. I just want my dad back. I just want my dad..." Then I couldn't say anything else.
Liam held me close again. I did feel lighter, having that weight taken off me. But there was also worry. How would Liam take it?
After my dad had died, the two words I'd heard the most were, "I'm sorry." Everyone said it. And I hated that, too. I hated their pity and I hated their worthless I'm Sorrys. They just said it because that's what you're supposed to say. Like when someone asks you how you're doing and if you say anything other than "Good" they don't know how to react.
I steeled myself, waiting for Liam to say those two meaningless words.
"It doesn't go away," he said instead, "The hurt never goes away. But you will get used to it, as much as you can. I saw you be happy today. Let yourself be happy. I think if you do, you'll really believe that you didn't trade him for this."
"Just hold me," I said. I know it sounds ridiculous, seeing as I was already sat naked next to him in that tub, but I felt as though I'd just been stripped bare. But that's the only way I can describe it.
I'd shown him what was behind my eyes, and he didn't shrink away or retreat. He held me, just like I asked him
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