Irretrievable by Theodor Fontane

spoil everything.”
    â€œAh, my dear Julie, you can talk like that because, although you know so much about our life and our home, you still don’t properly understand—you were only saying so yourself a moment ago—you don’t understand what is happening inside me. You know everything and yet not enough. I think that only husbands and wives themselves can ever know what a marriage really is and sometimes even they do not know. An outsider sees every moment of pique and hears every argument, for strangely enough married couples don’t generally hide all their disagreements and quarrels from others, yes, it sometimes seems almost as if others are meant to hear them, as if all the most violent things were intended especially for them. But that gives quite a false picture, because as long as some love still remains, marriage always has another side to it. You see, Julie, when I want to talk to Helmut about something and go and look for him in his room and see that he is writing or working on something, I pick up a book and sit down opposite to him and say: ‘Don’t let me disturb you, Helmut, I can wait.’ And then, while I’m reading or pretending to read, I often look over the top of the book and it makes me so happy to see his dear, kind, face and I want to run over to him and say: ‘My darling husband.’ You see, Julie, that happens as well but no one ever sees or hears it.”
    â€œAh, Christine, I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that out of your own mouth. I have often been worried for you both and for your happiness. But if everything is as you say …”
    â€œIt is, Julie, exactly—and sometimes even in spite of myself. But because it is like that, you are still wrong to advise me always to think nothing but good and sometimes even to close my eyes. If you love someone, that is impossible. And then, Julie dear, you are also wrong or half wrong at least, in what you said about Helmut. He is kind and loyal, the best husband in the world, that’s all quite true, but he is still weak and conceited and Copenhagen is not the sort of place to give strength to a weak character. You see, Julie, I know that you are defending him and that you believe in him, but even you spoke of certain possibilities and it is just these possibilities that are preying on my mind at the moment.”
    Fräulein Dobschütz was endeavouring to reassure her further when Philip brought a letter which had just arrived by messenger from Arnewieck. The countess assumed that it was from her brother but, glancing at the address, she saw that it came from Schwarzkoppen. She read:
    My dear Countess,
    Since our meeting of the day before yesterday, I have been examining in greater detail the question that we were discussing and have been studying the educational institutions that might be suitable for Axel. Some of the best are too strict, not only in their discipline but also in their doctrinal position and I have reached the view that the Pädagogium at Bunzlau corresponds most closely with our requirements. I know the headmaster and would consider it an honour to be allowed to write him a few words of introduction. In addition, Gnadenfrei is relatively near so that brother and sister will be able to see each other quite frequently and travel back together for the holidays.
    I remain, my dear Countess,
Your sincere and devoted,
Schwarzkoppen
    â€œNow Julie, this has come just at the right time. I rely implicitly on our friend in this question and my husband has given me a free hand. What a good thing it is that we now have some definite plans. We must make a list this very day of what each of the children needs. There will be so many things. And then there will be the journey and of course you must come with us. I am looking forward immensely to seeing my beloved Gnadenfrei again and I know that you will enjoy it, too. And when I think how my brother came and fetched me,