Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship by David Schnarch Page A

next day Robert was still in a black funk. Before long, Robert and Jason were at each other again. Robert lost his temper and called Jason “worthless” several times.
    Sally spent several days berating herself for not speaking up. Fearing she was losing any vestige of self-respect, Sally asked Robert to come to their bedroom. There she took a stand: There would be no further belittling comments from Robert. Not to Jason, and not to her. “When we start treating ourselves and each other with a little respect, then maybe Jason will have some for us.”
    “How dare you talk to me this way?!” Robert flared.
    “Dare? What happens if I don’t dare?” Sally said firmly. “Jason can’t stand us, and he’s right. I can’t stand myself. And I can’t stand you. You’re angry all the time, and I’m always apologizing. I have sex to pacify you.You make Jason obey you because you’re afraid he won’t respect you. We’ll he doesn’t, and neither do I! I don’t even respect myself! This whole thing is so unappealing and unattractive, why on earth would I want sex? The three of us are going down the toilet. And you can forget sex until we get out.”
    This was a powerful “moment of meeting.” Robert mapped out Sally’s mind and knew this wasn’t bluster. She wasn’t kidding. Sally wasn’t looking down apologetically; she looked him squarely in the eye. She seemed scared but determined. Her voice wasn’t shrill or tremulous, which unsettled him. Robert said they would talk about this after he had a chance to think about it.
    For several days Robert didn’t say much, but his withdrawal was different. He wasn’t pounding on Sally emotionally. He seemed preoccupied with his thoughts, considering what to do next. Sally let him stew.
    Four days later Robert came to Sally. He said he’d thought about what she said about not respecting him or herself. His tone was somber and introspective. “I’ve needed you to make me feel like a man, the same way I’ve needed Jason to respect me as a man. I guess I’m needier than I realized. I never imagined it was so obvious.” Robert looked down at the floor. There was clearly more on his mind, but once he stopped he couldn’t bring himself to say anything else. He looked up at Sally, smiled weakly, and quietly said goodnight.
    The next morning, as they ate breakfast, Robert and Jason had another incident. Jason spilled milk on the table. Expecting to be called names, he prepared to spar with Robert. Instead of being concerned with his own feelings, Robert let himself map Jason’s mind. Robert saw his son wasn’t being disrespectful. He just felt stupid in front of his father.
    Robert suddenly saw the situation in an entirely new way. He moved to defuse the situation. He took his toast, mopped up the milk, and ate it. Jason stared in disbelief. For a moment he wasn’t sure if his father was mocking him. Jason kept staring at Robert, trying to map his mind.
    After a moment, Robert said, “It’s not good without milk. It’s too dry.” Then he smiled at Jason.
•
Mind-mapping never ends
     
    In the days that followed, Robert acted better than he usually did when he and Sally didn’t have sex. He didn’t initiate, and she didn’t either. He could have locked in to Jason any number of times, but he didn’t. Robert didn’t push Jason to defer to his authority. To his credit, Jason wasn’t quite so defiant.
    Needless to say, Sally was impressed. She respected Robert for taking a hard look at himself. This, in itself, didn’t resolve things. But Robert didn’t look as weak and small as he had for so long. Sally found herself more interested in sex, and more interested in having it with Robert.
    Ever-vigilant about Sally’s perceptions of him, Robert mapped this. He felt better about himself because Sally seemed to like him. But more importantly, Robert thought he handled himself with Jason pretty well. He chuckled every time he thought back to eating the toast. It