in some ways – and stubborn in others – blown about by such passions. But I suppose, unlike most people, you can afford to follow your pleasures. And follow them you do.’
‘Yes. But don’t think I don’t know that there aremore important things to think about – the international political situation, and all.’
My sarcasm silences him.
His children run about. They ask for my boys. I say they are at home. Other children’s voices rise up from nearby gardens. Kids come to the side gate.
If only I could sit here contentedly in the middle of my life as children seem to in theirs, without constantly worrying about the state of things, tomorrow, next week, next year. But since the age of fourteen, when I conspired against my parents, not fleeing as I intended to, but biding my time and preparing, knowing one day I would be ready, I have required the future as a goal. I’ve needed something to happen every day that showed a kind of progress or accumulation. I can’t bear it when things go slack, when there isn’t sufficient intensity. But I would welcome a quiet period. I am hoping for that, in the long run.
He said, ‘You’re very distracted. I know you like to look after yourself, but you haven’t even shaved. Leaving aside your girlfriend’s hair for a moment, your own looks as if you’ve been combing it vertically.’
I laugh but say nothing.
After a time he says, ‘You’ve made up your mind?’
‘I think so.’
‘I don’t want you going to some dismal bedsit. Come here if you want, for a while. I’ll put the children in together.’
‘You are kind, Asif. Thank you. But I couldn’t sit here in the middle of your family life after leaving my own.’
‘It won’t be for long.’
‘Sorry?’
‘After a few days’ reflection, you’ll decide to go back. You are not prepared to miss the children. I don’t think you quite realize what it will feel like … to leave them. It will hurt them, won’t it?’
At that moment my legs almost gave way.
I said, ‘I know I will have to go through that.’
He said, ‘The new girl you called one of the uneducated educated. Susan is spiky but she is intelligent. I’ve always enjoyed talking to her. You must, once, have had good reason for choosing her.’
‘Aren’t I allowed to change my mind? If people are rushing away from one another in droves, it is because they are running towards other people.’
‘All of us yearn for more. We are never satisfied. Wisdom is to know the value of what we have. Every day, if there is some little good fortune, and our children smile at us or for once do what we say, we should consider ourselves lucky.’
‘I am discouraged. An unhappy relationship can’t be a sealed compartment. It seeps into everything else, like a punctured oil can.’ I looked at him. ‘You’ve never considered throwing it all away?’
We both glanced up towards Najma.
‘Why do you ask me this?’ he said exasperatedly. ‘Do you think, one day, that I will give a different answer and your view of things will be confirmed?’
‘Asif, what view of things?’
‘That one doesn’t have responsibilities.’ He sighed and went on, ‘I’m sorry. I suppose what you are doing is the modern way.’
‘I would say that there is a new restlessness about.’
‘Yes, it makes me feel unique for loving the same person continuously for a number of years and not covertly planning an escape. But I do love it here. Every day something is built upon. There is increase. Without it I would be just a man walking down the street with nowhere to go.’
‘At home, for me, there is no movement.’
‘With a real love there is little movement. You are going round and round, but further and further. Don’t you believe in anything? Or is virtue only a last resort for you?’
What could I say here? Young people are full of tedious belief. Why not me? Not many beliefs come spontaneously to mind. We have reached such a state that after two thousand
‘Yes. But don’t think I don’t know that there aremore important things to think about – the international political situation, and all.’
My sarcasm silences him.
His children run about. They ask for my boys. I say they are at home. Other children’s voices rise up from nearby gardens. Kids come to the side gate.
If only I could sit here contentedly in the middle of my life as children seem to in theirs, without constantly worrying about the state of things, tomorrow, next week, next year. But since the age of fourteen, when I conspired against my parents, not fleeing as I intended to, but biding my time and preparing, knowing one day I would be ready, I have required the future as a goal. I’ve needed something to happen every day that showed a kind of progress or accumulation. I can’t bear it when things go slack, when there isn’t sufficient intensity. But I would welcome a quiet period. I am hoping for that, in the long run.
He said, ‘You’re very distracted. I know you like to look after yourself, but you haven’t even shaved. Leaving aside your girlfriend’s hair for a moment, your own looks as if you’ve been combing it vertically.’
I laugh but say nothing.
After a time he says, ‘You’ve made up your mind?’
‘I think so.’
‘I don’t want you going to some dismal bedsit. Come here if you want, for a while. I’ll put the children in together.’
‘You are kind, Asif. Thank you. But I couldn’t sit here in the middle of your family life after leaving my own.’
‘It won’t be for long.’
‘Sorry?’
‘After a few days’ reflection, you’ll decide to go back. You are not prepared to miss the children. I don’t think you quite realize what it will feel like … to leave them. It will hurt them, won’t it?’
At that moment my legs almost gave way.
I said, ‘I know I will have to go through that.’
He said, ‘The new girl you called one of the uneducated educated. Susan is spiky but she is intelligent. I’ve always enjoyed talking to her. You must, once, have had good reason for choosing her.’
‘Aren’t I allowed to change my mind? If people are rushing away from one another in droves, it is because they are running towards other people.’
‘All of us yearn for more. We are never satisfied. Wisdom is to know the value of what we have. Every day, if there is some little good fortune, and our children smile at us or for once do what we say, we should consider ourselves lucky.’
‘I am discouraged. An unhappy relationship can’t be a sealed compartment. It seeps into everything else, like a punctured oil can.’ I looked at him. ‘You’ve never considered throwing it all away?’
We both glanced up towards Najma.
‘Why do you ask me this?’ he said exasperatedly. ‘Do you think, one day, that I will give a different answer and your view of things will be confirmed?’
‘Asif, what view of things?’
‘That one doesn’t have responsibilities.’ He sighed and went on, ‘I’m sorry. I suppose what you are doing is the modern way.’
‘I would say that there is a new restlessness about.’
‘Yes, it makes me feel unique for loving the same person continuously for a number of years and not covertly planning an escape. But I do love it here. Every day something is built upon. There is increase. Without it I would be just a man walking down the street with nowhere to go.’
‘At home, for me, there is no movement.’
‘With a real love there is little movement. You are going round and round, but further and further. Don’t you believe in anything? Or is virtue only a last resort for you?’
What could I say here? Young people are full of tedious belief. Why not me? Not many beliefs come spontaneously to mind. We have reached such a state that after two thousand
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