still dressed. He was probably waiting up for me. Holding my breath and moving as quietly as possible, I make it to our bedroom. Jay splays out restlessly on the bed, the covers on the floor. He’s wearing my T-shirt and boxer shorts, but I don’t care. I strip off and lie down next to him, my arms wrapping around him as I sob into his hair. Groggily he wakes up. He’s such a heavy sleeper. I turn him over so that he’s facing me. I need his arms around me. I need to feel him holding me.
“Christopher?” he whispers worriedly. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head and bury my face in his skinny chest. I feel so bad. I’ve never felt like this.
With surprising strength he rolls me over onto my back. “Where were you last night? I was so worried! Dad was worried.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
He wipes at my tears with his fingers, then squeezes his eyes shut, and holds me tight. But it’s not tight enough to stop me falling apart.
C HAPTER 11
I CURL up on the floor of the shower feeling sore and bruised, holding my genitals.
However hard I try to focus on what happened last night, a blank space yawns open in my memory. I don’t think Finn fucked me, but I just can’t remember anything other than the burning candle wax.
Jay sits on the closed lid of the toilet watching me. He looks exhausted, his eyes red rimmed and wide with concern. After seeing the fading red welt down my spine, he thinks someone beat me up and doesn’t want to leave me on my own. And for once I don’t want to be on my own.
When Dad woke up, he was pissed as hell with me. I don’t think I even responded as he shouted. And now he’s gone out. Whatever he and Liam are up to, it seems to be taking a lot of his time.
The water turns cold—we must be running out of gas. Jay turns the shower off and wraps me in towels, guiding me to the sofa to watch cartoons while he makes me some sugary tea and toast. I start to feel a little better, though the depressed mood I woke up in still stretches out inside me, darkly blanketing everything.
I’m half-asleep, my head in Jay’s lap, when there is a knock on the hatch.
“Stay here.” Jay puts his hand on my arm and gets up. I’ve never seen him look so fiercely protective. I want to hug him.
“Is Chris there?”
It’s Finn.
“Who are you?”
Jay couldn’t sound less welcoming if he tried. I smile despite myself, not used to this weird role reversal.
“A friend.”
“He’s sleeping right now.”
“Trust me, he won’t mind me waking him up.”
“I mind,” Jay says firmly.
I bite my lip. I don’t really want to see Finn, but I should go rescue Jay, even if this is the most assertive I’ve ever heard him be.
Stiffly, I get up and walk over to the galley steps to stand behind Jay.
Finn looks terrible, standing out on the deck in the clothes he probably slept in. His expression turns strained yet hopeful when he sees me.
“Chris.” He swallows nervously. “Things, well, ah, things got a bit out of hand last night. Can I buy you breakfast to say sorry?”
His tone is light, but I can tell he’s afraid he’s fucked things up. And he has. I’m not going to make him feel better about it.
“I’m not hungry,” I say coldly, gently brushing past Jay, who stands frozen to the spot between the top step and the hatch.
“Can I buy you a drink, then?”
“How did I get home this morning?”
“Pixie. She had an early shift at the hospital. I was a bit too out of it to protest. I’m sorry.”
It suddenly hits me this isn’t the best place to be carrying on this conversation. Jay doesn’t know what to make of it, of us. And because I haven’t told him what happened, talking to Finn here like this is hurting him.
“Wait for me at the Tavern over there,” I say to Finn, just to get him off the boat. I know they open early.
My clothes are where I left them on the floor of our room.
“Who is he?”
Jay stands
“Christopher?” he whispers worriedly. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head and bury my face in his skinny chest. I feel so bad. I’ve never felt like this.
With surprising strength he rolls me over onto my back. “Where were you last night? I was so worried! Dad was worried.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
He wipes at my tears with his fingers, then squeezes his eyes shut, and holds me tight. But it’s not tight enough to stop me falling apart.
C HAPTER 11
I CURL up on the floor of the shower feeling sore and bruised, holding my genitals.
However hard I try to focus on what happened last night, a blank space yawns open in my memory. I don’t think Finn fucked me, but I just can’t remember anything other than the burning candle wax.
Jay sits on the closed lid of the toilet watching me. He looks exhausted, his eyes red rimmed and wide with concern. After seeing the fading red welt down my spine, he thinks someone beat me up and doesn’t want to leave me on my own. And for once I don’t want to be on my own.
When Dad woke up, he was pissed as hell with me. I don’t think I even responded as he shouted. And now he’s gone out. Whatever he and Liam are up to, it seems to be taking a lot of his time.
The water turns cold—we must be running out of gas. Jay turns the shower off and wraps me in towels, guiding me to the sofa to watch cartoons while he makes me some sugary tea and toast. I start to feel a little better, though the depressed mood I woke up in still stretches out inside me, darkly blanketing everything.
I’m half-asleep, my head in Jay’s lap, when there is a knock on the hatch.
“Stay here.” Jay puts his hand on my arm and gets up. I’ve never seen him look so fiercely protective. I want to hug him.
“Is Chris there?”
It’s Finn.
“Who are you?”
Jay couldn’t sound less welcoming if he tried. I smile despite myself, not used to this weird role reversal.
“A friend.”
“He’s sleeping right now.”
“Trust me, he won’t mind me waking him up.”
“I mind,” Jay says firmly.
I bite my lip. I don’t really want to see Finn, but I should go rescue Jay, even if this is the most assertive I’ve ever heard him be.
Stiffly, I get up and walk over to the galley steps to stand behind Jay.
Finn looks terrible, standing out on the deck in the clothes he probably slept in. His expression turns strained yet hopeful when he sees me.
“Chris.” He swallows nervously. “Things, well, ah, things got a bit out of hand last night. Can I buy you breakfast to say sorry?”
His tone is light, but I can tell he’s afraid he’s fucked things up. And he has. I’m not going to make him feel better about it.
“I’m not hungry,” I say coldly, gently brushing past Jay, who stands frozen to the spot between the top step and the hatch.
“Can I buy you a drink, then?”
“How did I get home this morning?”
“Pixie. She had an early shift at the hospital. I was a bit too out of it to protest. I’m sorry.”
It suddenly hits me this isn’t the best place to be carrying on this conversation. Jay doesn’t know what to make of it, of us. And because I haven’t told him what happened, talking to Finn here like this is hurting him.
“Wait for me at the Tavern over there,” I say to Finn, just to get him off the boat. I know they open early.
My clothes are where I left them on the floor of our room.
“Who is he?”
Jay stands
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