recognize what they meant.
His hand went to my head and he patted it.
“Growing up now. Well, well, I would speak with your mother. Go now. Go to your governess. Leave us…”
I curtsied and went, but on the other side of the door I paused. There was a small ante-room which led into the chamber in which they now were. I slipped into that room. I was going to commit the sin of eavesdropping. I could not restrain myself. So often I had felt I was groping in the dark, and how could I comfort my mother, how could I protect myself, if I did not know fully what against?
Shamelessly I hid myself and listened. The door was slightly ajar, and I could hear every word.
“It is time we discussed this matter which is causing me so much grief,” he said.
“I wish to do so with all my heart,” she replied. “Ah,” he went on. “How well I remember the time we went through the ceremony of marriage. Do you recall it? You were so desolate.”
“Yes, neglected by all…”
“I suffered with you…my brother's widow … unwanted in Spain and no place for you here. I shall never forget.”
“I also have good reason to remember.”
“Unhappy days… until I changed all that.”
“Yes, you changed it.”
“All seemed set fair. We were young. We were in love. I was a romantic boy. I wanted to do what was right. I wanted to help you.”
“You were pleased with my person, I believe.”
“Kate…I have always been pleased with your person. It is this question which they are raising. It gives me sleepless nights. I cannot rest. It is on my mind … on my conscience. I feel a great anger against these probing churchmen who have raised this question. They believe ours is no true marriage. Think what that means, Kate.”
“I do not have to. It is untrue.”
“They quote the scriptures. That cannot be ignored. I vow my desire is to tell them to hold their peace … to leave us … but I cannot do that, Kate. My conscience…it plagues me… night and day it asks me to stop and consider. I am committing a sin in the eyes of God.”
“Your conscience must have been troubling you for some time,” said my mother coldly, “regarding Bessie Blount and Mary Boleyn.”
“Oh come, come, such talk does no good. It was that fellow Tarbes… that monstrous suggestion about our daughter.”
“It is unforgivable.”
“Unforgivable… but is it true, Kate? Think of what has happened to us. We have been denied that which we most desire…a son, Kate. God has made it clear that He is displeased. Every time…every time…”
“We have our dear daughter.”
“Yes…yes… and none dearer…a cherished child, but a girl, Kate. A girl… when the country needs a man to follow me.”
“There have been worthy queens.”
“A queen cannot lead an army.”
“I was your regent while you were in France.”
“My mother did, and a good one, too. Ah, Kate, if only this man had not raised that question! It is too late now for us to get sons. My concern for your health…”
“And your desire for a new wife.”
“You joke. You know that is not my desire… though I could be forced to it… for the people, Kate, for the sake of the country… for the hope of a son.”
“And to satisfy your own desire.”
“For a son, Kate, only for a son. By God's Holy Blood, I would He had granted us a son… just one healthy son… and I would shake my fist at this Tarbes and anyone who dares raise such a question. I would not have it.”
“Yet you will,” said my mother softly.
“If I could quieten my conscience…if I could turn my face from the truth…I would be the happiest man on Earth.”
“You need not concern yourself, for it is lies. I was never Arthur's wife.”
“If I could but ease my conscience…”
I was almost on the point of dashing into the room and shouting at him, “Stop it. Stop talking of your conscience. We know too much. It is not your conscience you must appease but your desire for a new wife.”
I stood
His hand went to my head and he patted it.
“Growing up now. Well, well, I would speak with your mother. Go now. Go to your governess. Leave us…”
I curtsied and went, but on the other side of the door I paused. There was a small ante-room which led into the chamber in which they now were. I slipped into that room. I was going to commit the sin of eavesdropping. I could not restrain myself. So often I had felt I was groping in the dark, and how could I comfort my mother, how could I protect myself, if I did not know fully what against?
Shamelessly I hid myself and listened. The door was slightly ajar, and I could hear every word.
“It is time we discussed this matter which is causing me so much grief,” he said.
“I wish to do so with all my heart,” she replied. “Ah,” he went on. “How well I remember the time we went through the ceremony of marriage. Do you recall it? You were so desolate.”
“Yes, neglected by all…”
“I suffered with you…my brother's widow … unwanted in Spain and no place for you here. I shall never forget.”
“I also have good reason to remember.”
“Unhappy days… until I changed all that.”
“Yes, you changed it.”
“All seemed set fair. We were young. We were in love. I was a romantic boy. I wanted to do what was right. I wanted to help you.”
“You were pleased with my person, I believe.”
“Kate…I have always been pleased with your person. It is this question which they are raising. It gives me sleepless nights. I cannot rest. It is on my mind … on my conscience. I feel a great anger against these probing churchmen who have raised this question. They believe ours is no true marriage. Think what that means, Kate.”
“I do not have to. It is untrue.”
“They quote the scriptures. That cannot be ignored. I vow my desire is to tell them to hold their peace … to leave us … but I cannot do that, Kate. My conscience…it plagues me… night and day it asks me to stop and consider. I am committing a sin in the eyes of God.”
“Your conscience must have been troubling you for some time,” said my mother coldly, “regarding Bessie Blount and Mary Boleyn.”
“Oh come, come, such talk does no good. It was that fellow Tarbes… that monstrous suggestion about our daughter.”
“It is unforgivable.”
“Unforgivable… but is it true, Kate? Think of what has happened to us. We have been denied that which we most desire…a son, Kate. God has made it clear that He is displeased. Every time…every time…”
“We have our dear daughter.”
“Yes…yes… and none dearer…a cherished child, but a girl, Kate. A girl… when the country needs a man to follow me.”
“There have been worthy queens.”
“A queen cannot lead an army.”
“I was your regent while you were in France.”
“My mother did, and a good one, too. Ah, Kate, if only this man had not raised that question! It is too late now for us to get sons. My concern for your health…”
“And your desire for a new wife.”
“You joke. You know that is not my desire… though I could be forced to it… for the people, Kate, for the sake of the country… for the hope of a son.”
“And to satisfy your own desire.”
“For a son, Kate, only for a son. By God's Holy Blood, I would He had granted us a son… just one healthy son… and I would shake my fist at this Tarbes and anyone who dares raise such a question. I would not have it.”
“Yet you will,” said my mother softly.
“If I could quieten my conscience…if I could turn my face from the truth…I would be the happiest man on Earth.”
“You need not concern yourself, for it is lies. I was never Arthur's wife.”
“If I could but ease my conscience…”
I was almost on the point of dashing into the room and shouting at him, “Stop it. Stop talking of your conscience. We know too much. It is not your conscience you must appease but your desire for a new wife.”
I stood
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